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Think DD has just destroyed relationship with DH her dad. Final straw.

(571 Posts)
Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:12:33

After a long rocky period with DD 17, I thought things were getting better. Again, tonight, DD determined to get her own way. Wanted boyfriend to come over we said no as I had to be away all day and overnight, husband had to leave later as working away. So after I left mid afternoon she has massive argument with poor DH who is already having counselling (partly from previous rocky period as well as other things). She is so unsympathetic and uncaring and verbally very attacking. DH in pieces, DD just continued attack. And flounced off to boyfriends saying would be back for 11. Just arriving back now. Refused lift back and DH couldn't face scene if just went to fetch her. He now has two hour drive and has to be up early. He's broken and I'm fuming with her. She has a brilliant social life. Saw boyfriend 2 or 3 times in week. Nightclub Friday and friend stayed over Saturday. Don't know how this is going to go but we have been on edge of throwing her out before for stunts like this. Is this what we have to do to save DH from total breakdown. When she decides she is doing something there is no compromise, no care of the impact on others. It seems the more understanding and caring we are the more she takes. Someone please give me a plan to change this before she throws away a lovely home and family.

kormachameleon Mon 07-Dec-15 00:15:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvaCrowder Mon 07-Dec-15 00:18:02

What's up with your dh?

Skullyton Mon 07-Dec-15 00:18:31

What exactly was the issue with having her boyfriend over?

Was it worth all this?

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:19:19

She's 17, he's an adult.

It's unlikely he can change her behaviour but he sure as hell can change his. She isn't making him have a breakdown, he is choosing to take what she is doing personally, and choosing to react.

He needs to ignore her attitude, not notice (or at least pretend not to notice) her being unsympathetic.

She's 17 - let her go out. Let her find her own way home.

What does she do the rest of the time? Is she in school/college? Is she drinking/gambling/breaking the law/dealing drugs? If not, pick you battles. And tell your dh to just walk away from arguments unless they really matter.

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:20:31

Husband has to drive to stay where he is working as working away this week.

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:21:30

Why didn't he just go earlier?

I really don't get this. He needs to step away, she can't fight with him if he walks away from the fight confused

mumblechum1 Mon 07-Dec-15 00:22:52

Agree with pps. There must be a backstory as most dads woildn't overreact like that.

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:24:37

There is a pattern here of us saying no to something, she throws massive strop, breaks things, to try and get us to give in. Only other option is to say yes to everything she asks, however inconvenient to us. Boyfriend is a new boyfriend of just over a week, don't know him so didn't want him there when we were away overnight. That is reasonable isn't it?

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:27:35

He did walk away and stayed calm. She followed him, carried on, broke door. He eventually did lose temper and fall apart. There is a backstory, we have had a lot of this, it has nearly broken us both. Thought it was getting better, calming down, and now this.

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:28:09

Yes, it's reasonable to not want someone you don't know in the house. But not reasonable to get so upset about it - realistically, if you are away she didn't need to ask, she could just have brought him in when you had gone.

So you need to either not leave her in the house, or start to trust her.

And either way, your dh making himself ill, or you threatening to throw her out are both ridiculous over-reactions.

Asteria36 Mon 07-Dec-15 00:28:41

I don't understand why he has to drive two hours now? If it is to get her he really shouldn't be bothering at all. If she is going to flounce off then she should be finding her own way back. If she is behaving so badly then why is she allowed friends to stay? Ds is only 13 but if he behaved this badly and was verbally abusive then I would refuse to facilitate his non-essential activities. I certainly wouldn't allow sleepovers or provide a taxi service. Are you financing her social life?

Where would your dd go if you threw her out? Could you discuss it with her? Perhaps saying that if this behaviour doesn't stop then she will have to find somewhere else to live might give her the shock she needs to wind her neck in. You do risk total
alienation from her if she is ejected.

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:35:29

So we should just let her get everything she asks for? We say yes more than 9 times out of 10 and ask her to consider us one night. She can see boyfriend another night. She had only just said goodbye to the friend she had staying over when she started on DH. I would agree with you if it was just one time but this has been going on for nearly four years. We can't make our own plans because if she wants to do something that takes precedence (in her eyes)

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:38:21

To clarify DH was meant to leave in evening to drive two hours to where he has to work in morning. DD eventually came home on last bus.

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:39:14

Some battles are worth fighting.

Few are worth making yourself ill over.

mumblechum1 Mon 07-Dec-15 00:40:05

No, she shouldn't get her own way all the time if that impacts on you, but I don't really see why your husband is being so dramatic and saying their relationship is wrecked forever.
Teenagers can be a nightmare but they do come out the other end sooner or later!
Presumably she's iff to uni in sept, isn't it worth relaxing a bit till then?

mumblechum1 Mon 07-Dec-15 00:40:58

Why didn't he just drive off as planned? She's 17 not 7

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:41:40

Her flouncing off wouldn't be so much of an issue but we both had to be away from home overnight hence for our peace of mind asked her to stay in. Boyfriend request was a last minute thing and we both said no and explained why as I was hurrying to get ready to leave.

BitchPeas Mon 07-Dec-15 00:41:45

She's nearly an adult though. Let her get on with it and stop taking it personally. Being selfobsorbed is completely normal at her age. Take a massive step back and concentrate on yourselves, as long as there is no drugs/alcohol/education problems she'll be fine and it's probably what she needs. Space to make mistakes and make your own decisions are vital in late teens.

zipzap Mon 07-Dec-15 00:51:28

Don't suppose there's any chance that she wanted her boyfriend there as she didn't want to be home alone but didn't want to admit it?

DOn't think I'd want to have been home alone overnight at that age (or even with my younger dsis there) so maybe it was her immature way of panic-ing about being alone (well, without any parents) and feeling like she needs somebody there?

I don't agree with the way she's gone about it if this is the case - but given you said your plans were last minute, maybe that's why the boyfriend plan was last minute too, in reaction to that?

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:51:28

The thing is, if this was one row I would understand him getting pissed off and waiting for her.

But it seems she has a history of this, so him getting angry and waiting around and worrying is just silly.

He needs to take a step back - at 17 he cannot physically stop her doing what she wants. So he has to live his own life, and learn to put whatever she does out of his mind.

Threatening to chuck her out of the house for going out (and coming home on the last bus) is just bonkers.

MsMims Mon 07-Dec-15 00:52:35

Errr, it's not normal and it's not okay.

There's being self absorbed, and there's being abusive to your family.

She sounds utterly selfish. I think actually, asking her to move out, so she has to stand on her own two feet and for the sake of your DH's health would be the best decision.

Facefacts Mon 07-Dec-15 00:55:07

We were asking, for once for her to put us first. For the first time in months. We have done lots of things for her, talked us into buying various things. We've dropped our plans for her convenience, rarely do we ask her to do anything like this and for one night, so we can have a stress free night, not worrying about her or having our evening disrupted by visitors and giving lifts. Just once. She can see boyfriend any day this week. I have given her lifts to his and him lifts home. So just once can she not put her plans on hold for us.

headexplodesbodyfreezes Mon 07-Dec-15 00:56:34

Unknown boyfriend staying over while you are both away - understandable to say no. But telling a 17-yr-old to say in for your peace of mind - that's really not on, is it?

And neither is DH waiting at home for her instead of going to where he needs to be, and then claiming to be 'broken' because she arrives on the last bus. That's really a bit odd.

Maryz Mon 07-Dec-15 00:59:12

Of course it would be nice if she did it. We would all love to have sensible, selfless, helpful teenagers.

But your question was about whether she has completely destroyed her relationship with her dad, and whether you should chuck her out because she is making him ill.

I think he is being very unreasonable getting so upset, and tbh, if this is the worst thing she does you are getting off quite lightly.

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