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Would you offer an organ or even be tested?.

(23 Posts)
laughingatweather Sun 06-Dec-15 19:35:16

Very strange situation. I'm an adult almost in middle age.

My parents split up before I was a teen and my Dad met another woman shortly afterwards and they married when I was 18. I was thrilled for them.

Step- Mum and me were always close for years and years. I sent her Mother's day cards for the last 10 years or so (her and Dad have been married for 20+ years) so it was completely my decision and a reflection of how much I loved her and how close we were.

She's always been a bit needy and sensitive which I understood and accepted and there were reasons why so I went along with it because I understood. She often 'falls out' with her siblings etc but 'my' family (my Dad and my Mum having huge families that are close) that never affected me.

A couple of years ago she got upset with me for no reason IMO but I understand it upset her. I tried to talk to her after that and she refused to talk to me.

I'm not a weepy person but she was so rude when I tried to talk about it I cried while talking to my Dad (she answered the phone and was rude so my Dad took the 'phone after ). They live hundreds of miles away so that's why I'm trying to talk on the 'phone.

So I haven't seen my Dad for over a year because of this (I'd love to see not just Dad but her too if she'd agree anyway!). Me and Step Mum spoke every week for years before this so it's not just not seeing Dad, its her too.

My Dad is weak when it comes to his wife (I know posters will see he should visit on his own and that's true) but I know he doesn't want to upset her because she's been seriously ill for all this time.

To the point that she'll die at some point in the semi - near future (5 year max guess) without an organ transplant. She and my Dad are early 60s. My Dad isn't an organ match.

I haven't been asked to have a test to see if I'm a potential match. I don't know if I want to offer or if I should. Five years ago I'd have offered anything for her but now I think 'you've hurt me for no reason so why should I?'.

But then I think if it could save you I'd do it because I love you and I love my Dad who loves you and it doesn't matter if you're a bitch sometimes.

But I might not be a match and I don't want her to think she has to be nice because I'd have a test to try.

Or I'd be a match and it would be a huge operation for me and that would make her have to be grateful?.

I don't know what to do. Right now I think I wouldn't even offer to be tested because she's hurt me so much and affected my contact with my Dad.

But then I think it isn't about me and it's about the woman I loved a lot and who my Dad is devoted to.

SweepTheHalls Sun 06-Dec-15 19:37:30

I would without any hesitation. I'm on the organ donation and bone marrow register for strangers, do why on earth not for someone I knew?

laughingatweather Sun 06-Dec-15 19:45:19

Because in this situation I'd be saying 'you don't even want to talk to me on the 'phone anymore but I'm offering an organ that you'd have to be always know was mine'.

There are numerous emotional layers that are present with a known doner that aren't when it's a stranger.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 06-Dec-15 19:45:48

Live organ donation is hugely different to donating after death, the only people I would do it for are my children.

laughingatweather Sun 06-Dec-15 19:50:59

Donor not doner!.

LetGoOrBeDragged Sun 06-Dec-15 19:53:42

I wouldn't tbh. Both she and your dad have failed you as parents, by essentially cutting you out for no reason. You don't owe this to her. I think they've got a bloody cheek asking - you reap as you sow and she has behaved badly and now you are under no obligation to behave like a daughter!

Besides, (and I know it is extremely unlikely) whit if one of your dc needed organ donation and you'd wasted yours on this woman?

LineyReborn Sun 06-Dec-15 19:55:42

What exactly would be the health implications for you?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 06-Dec-15 20:05:27

Do you have children? Because IMO my number one, absolute primary responsibility is to them. Is Putting myself at (even small) risk to save someone else in their best interests?

A loving, reliable, present granny - maybe. Someone who hasn't been in their lives (because of some silly strop) for the last few years so they don't remember her - no.

Plus - as another poster said - what if they needed a transplant in the future and I'd given "their" organ away?

MatildaTheCat Sun 06-Dec-15 20:11:34

Actually I believe there are stringent physical and psychological checks before live organ donation. Even if, and surely it's quite a small if, you were a close tissue match, your relationship breakdown would mean the match would not be considered ethical.

For example, what if you died and she did well? Or vice virca? What about your father and his altered relationship with either of you.

Rest easy, OP and don't consider this one.

wannaBe Sun 06-Dec-15 20:12:22

no. Live organ donation is not without risk. It is major surgery which carries all the associated risks of any kind of surgery.

There are people who do altruistically donate organs to strangers, and others who do it for relatives, I have a friend who donated a kidney to a mutual friend. For me though I could only ever donate my organs to my dc and would do so without question. I certainly wouldn't donate an organ to someone who refused to speak to me apparently for no reason at all.

Hoppinggreen Sun 06-Dec-15 20:17:30

No, only for my children.
A friend of mine was tested for her brother and when she asked my opinion I told her I didn't think she should as she had a 2 year old at the time but she went ahead anyway. Her sister was a better match and she did donate a kidney and the brother is doing well years later but they are all very very close.
I wouldn't even consider it apart from for my dc

HermioneWeasley Sun 06-Dec-15 20:21:14

I don't understand why you would? I assume it's a kidney. You might need it - your husband or kids might need it. I wouldn't give a kidney to anyone older than me, and that includes my parents.

Crankycunt Sun 06-Dec-15 20:24:42

I too have an organ donor card, however they can put my organs into whomever they wish once I'm dead.

Live donation is a different kettle of fish, I would only donate to my children or husband. I wouldn't risk not being able to do that if I donated to someone else.

lljkk Sun 06-Dec-15 20:26:49

No, sorry, but it's a big deal & I'd have to care a lot about the person to go to that length.
I admire people who can donate to strangers. I'm not that wonderful a person.
I'd donate blood sure enough, but not donate something in a procedure that carries substantial risks to me... and honestly, especially if it was a person I didn't much like.

There was a good interview on R5 the other day, where sons tested to donate to their dad (one son donated parted of his liver). The dad was a medical doctor & knew the stats off by heart what risks his sons were taking, they weren't small risks. In a sense the dad accepted the donation partly because his sons wouldn't be happy otherwise.

originalusernamefail Sun 06-Dec-15 20:32:51

If you are considering it you need to fully research the risks and long term consequences for yourself. Do you have young children? If you want more children would a pregnancy be safe following surgery? Have you ever had an operation under anaesthesia? What are possible adverse effects? Personally for myself I don't think I could take the risk. I donate blood and anyone could have anything from me after death, but selfishly I would only risk my own health/ life for my children.

expatinscotland Sun 06-Dec-15 20:41:09

No way. Live donation carries a lot of risks. I'd do it for my spouse or children or nieces and that's it.

Live donation IS about you and could seriously damage your health or jeopardise your life.

Don't do this.

Jux Sun 06-Dec-15 23:07:56

Can you write her a letter, saying how much you love her, how much you miss her and how sad you are at this estrangement?

Worry about possible donation when you've had a reply.

coconutpie Mon 07-Dec-15 01:18:13

No way, definitely not.

mintjuice Mon 07-Dec-15 01:36:11

I wouldn't in this situation or for any other, including my children. I value my own life too much to put it at risk for anyone else.

laughingatweather Mon 07-Dec-15 06:52:01

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Lweji Mon 07-Dec-15 06:59:27

There is also the risk that her body would reject it anyway. And not being your mother the chances of a match are slim, particularly as your dad isn't a match.

At this stage her possible death is 5 years in the future. She's not that bad. In that time she may find another donor, her life expectancy can get better, etc.
Think about it again when she really needs it, if it comes to that.

SelfLoathing Mon 07-Dec-15 08:30:38


I would without any hesitation. I'm on the organ donation and bone marrow register for strangers, do why on earth not for someone I knew?

Organ donation register is for after your death!!! OP is talking about (I assume) a live kidney donation - giving up one healthy organ whilst still alive.

Or are you offering your organs around to strangers while still alive???

OP - I wouldn't do it if I were you. You are in a relationship breakdown situation with your step mother and the risk to you is very high long term. Why would you do this for someone not biologically or strongly emotionally connected to you?

Parents, children and siblings only I'd say - and only then if there is a strong emotional bond and the benefit outweigh the costs (in terms of likely life time prognosis).

Penfold007 Mon 07-Dec-15 08:37:26

If they wanted you to consider live organ donation they would ask you. They haven't so no issue.

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