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Do all marriages go through this?

(8 Posts)
Cookingongas Sun 06-Dec-15 11:04:36

My dh and I have been together 11 years. We have two dc and work together.

For the last six months all we do is argue. Pointless petty arguments, that leave me feeling hurt and empty. When angry he says cruel things just to hurt me. Apologises after and assures me that's not how he feels but it all sinks in and I'm starting to detach sad

I love him and am confident he loves me but there is just a wedge between us now and I feel lonely, my feelings for him are changing because while i think he loves me I don't think he likes me. I also feel that he thinks I'm lucky to have him, and any apologies he makes are coloured by this feeling he has that he is actually the hard done by hard working loving partner who's harpy wife is making him this way.

It's six months. Out of 11 years ( during which we never really argued. We've always been calm discussion, resolution type people- what changed?) I've spoken to a few people in rl and get the assertion that all marriages go through hard times that this is a phase that I need to just work through it because we love each other. BUT how can we work through it when we are just going round and round arguing over the same things never coming to resolution, resentment building and I'm starting To just feel numb. I've cried so much over the last few weeks, but the last few arguments have left me numb. Last night we argued and mid argument I went to bed. Disrespectful, yes, but I'm done. Couldn't keep going over and over how I was wrong and he was sorry but, and on and on and on.

I don't know why I'm posting really. Just to get it off my chest.

Joysmum Sun 06-Dec-15 11:25:42

Ours did. It took time, effort and change.

A big step was us both saying how much we loved each other and how unhappy we were and wanted things to be better. So we each pucked a couple of things to prioritise changing and quit blaming and just pushed forwards.

Helloitsme15 Sun 06-Dec-15 12:19:39

I think it is fairly common. Stop arguing and start talking about what you can both do to improve things. You have to make a conscious decision to change - if your are both committed to the relationship, you will find a way. Good luck.

2ndSopranosRule Sun 06-Dec-15 20:03:01

It's normal. We've been married for nearly 10 years and do have spates of bickering more and generally not being nice to one another. We'll sit down and work out why together. There's always a reason: dc being particularly challenging; stress at work; just being knackered!

We had a particularly bad dip this summer where I was suffering terrible anxiety and depression and dh was completely unsympathetic. I've turned a corner now but dh's attitude appalled me, and I told him so.

Cookingongas Sun 06-Dec-15 20:07:03

Somewhat comforting that it's normal. Even more comforting that this is mn and nobody has said LTB (yet)wink.

Stress is largely the cause. Working together in a new business and living together has put a lot of pressure on us as a couple. Time to set ground rules perhaps. Thanks

holeinmyheart Sun 06-Dec-15 20:37:59

Try being nice, really nice for a week. Make tea for him, etc. You have tried rowing and that doesn't get you want, so as a strategy it has failed..... So be really nice.

Take deep breaths and be patient and calm and be nice. See what that does. Also I think you should inject some fun into your relationships. Go out and do something together where you laugh and relax.
It is so easy if you are stressed to take it out on each other... DONT.
I have been married for a long time and our marriage has had its ups and downs. I love my DH dearly. He responds to my being nice. Raising my voice just raises the rowing level.

Your DH is probably just as fed up with rowing as you are.

Sunflower1985 Sun 06-Dec-15 20:51:37

are you (both) the type of people that would respond to counselling (relate etc).

Lweji Sun 06-Dec-15 20:59:58

First, he needs to be on board.
Then, you do need something to get out of the habit of arguing a certain way. Counselling if you can, or look up transactional analysis together and practice the exercises.

It's not good that it changed in the last 6 months, though. Sounds like something happened?

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