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Need some honest advice

(6 Posts)
Bluebear123 Sun 06-Dec-15 10:38:32

I need some honest advice, help and feedback as I am really struggling to cope at the moment.

My husband walked out on me and our kids 3 weeks ago. It was completely out of the blue. I am struggling emotional and physically to cope.

Just before he left he become very close to another woman. At the time 2 weeks before he walked out, i mention to him i was concerned over the closeness of their friendship. She is an employee of our joint business. They talked on the phone and messaged all the time, he claimed it was about work and she was having a hard time due to her mum being ill. Went for walks together and meals. He claims nothing happened and she is his best friend helping him to cope.

But since we split within the first week, friends of his asked if he was going to start a relationship with her. He has asked if she feelings for him and that he has feelings for her but claims he doesnt want to jump into a new relationship until after Christmas. But they still go out as friends 3-4 times a weeks. He is also worried as i said i couldnt work with her and she may have to leave.

i know relationships dont just end due to an affair or moving on to someone else, he wasnt happy with me.

i get the relationship is over and it hurts like hell. I just cant get over the way i have been treated. I feel humiliated, disrespected and finding it hard to be at work. After 18 years i thought i would of deserved better treatment and feel like our relationship meant nothing and i meant nothing. I feel also that he is trying to push me out of the business and i have been replaced by her. He prefer i worked from home rather that make her leave the business.

He feels neither or them have done anything wrong and its all me making it about focusing on it as a reason he left and that she shouldnt be made to leave our business. His reason for leaving was he wants a different lifestyle, going out socially more and he said i was boring and different to him.

I feel i am losing my mind. I am being civil and being nice as the kids are my number priority and they really need their dad. I cant cope with their more than friendship and how fast it is all happening.

I dont know how to move forward and this is now affecting me both mental and physically. Any help or advice would really help please.

mintoil Sun 06-Dec-15 10:47:55

Did you post about this situation before OP, it sounds familiar. Anyway, it sounds utter shit for you and I can understand totally why you are feeling so low.

It's one thing to have to adjust to the ending of your relationship, but to have the OW stuck under your nose at work and still have to see him and engage with him would send anyone round the twist.

What's the deal with the business? Long term it probably isn't viable for you to stay in business together so if I were you I would start making plans to end the business relationship by one of you buying out the other or winding it up?

Once you have separation from the day to day knowledge of what is and isn't going on in their relationship it will become much easier. The situation you describe sounds like torture tbh.

He seems to be firmly in control, and what would probably make you feel better is to take a little of the control back. Get some advice about the business - what's your housing situation? Have you seen a solicitor about divorce?

I honestly think that's the only way you will start to slowly recover from this horrible blow - one step at a time, taking control of your life and your future, rather than getting all caught up in his day to day shenanigans.


category12 Sun 06-Dec-15 10:48:12

Um he's quite clearly having at least an emotional affair with this woman, very likely physical too, whatever he says. Of course he doesn't want to be the bad guy and in order to preserve his self image, he's clinging to the 'friendship' angle.

Time to get tough and angry and not listen to any more of his self serving bullshit. Protect your own interests and get legal advice. Get supportive friends around you.

Mermaidhair1 Sun 06-Dec-15 11:04:14

He should be doing whatever will help you deal with the situation.
Is he spending time with his dc?

maras2 Sun 06-Dec-15 12:24:25

So sorry that you're going through this,it must be heartbreaking.No helpful advice I'm afraid but do an advance search for posts by iwashappy She is in a very similar situation to you albeit 12 months on.Again,sorry you're being put through this flowers

RedMapleLeaf Sun 06-Dec-15 12:47:27

Perhaps this is "just" a case of him meeting a new woman and realising that his current life is no longer what he wants or that makes him happy. That's ok. That's life. Things change.

However, if this is the case it means that:

He will be re-writing history. He has fallen out of love with you and instead of being in love and seeing only the good he is now focused on all that is boring and negative about you and your history. It gives him the motivation and excuses to behave selfishly and unkindly.

You are not going crazy. But as long as you continue to look to him for truth and support and validation (as is normal in a long relationship) you won't get it. You need to think on your own now and get reassurance from trusted friends, a counsellor or on here.

You need to think about your future now and focus on what you want. At the moment the obvious solution to you is that she leaves the business. This isn't an option open to you. So what do you want? To be bought out? To step away and become a silent partner? To wind the business up? You need legal advice.

I am so sorry you are going through this flowers I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When I was where you are I wanted to know that I would get through this. I got through it, stronger and happier than I was before. So will you.

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