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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Indeterminably abusive DH

22 replies

FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 00:25

NC because hey, he's not always fucking abusive! And you're all going to tell me to LTB.

He's a good fucking person most of the time, he had the shittest of shit childhoods, really grim and the majority of the time, he deals with it and he's a good man.

Very, very occasionally (tonight) he has too much to drink and turns into an evil cunt, you can see when it's coming and I don't hide from it, I don't modify my behaviour, I not scared of him, I challenge it, but he turns into a different man. I got two backhanders tonight and kicked him out the door.

He needs to get a fucking grip of what happened to him. He can't come back unless he can accept change. I've had enough, there is so much hatred of women there, so much bile.

I suggested counselling to get to grips with his past, but no.

I'm not scared, I'm not abused, I just want better for him.

OP posts:

Report

summerwinterton · 06/12/2015 00:29

you are being abused

IamlovedbyG · 06/12/2015 00:30

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FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 00:32

He's not here, it's ok. My Mum is with me.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 06/12/2015 00:33

You are making excuses for him. A shitty childhood doesn't allow you to break the law.

You are minimising. You gave been abused. He hit you. It is abuse. That's why there is a law against it.

You are saying it's ok, because you are strong and can handle it. Which you can until it gets worse. It will have a long term effect.

You aren't ready to face it yet so I won't say LTB.

What happens once you kick him out? He grovels and is super nice to you awhile so you think that kicking him out worked? Does he do anything himself, like counselling to change it or does he fundamentally think he has an excuse? Not my fault, I had a bad childhood so I'm allowed to beat people? Why does he choose to drink again? It's his convenient excuse to hit you right?

Aussiemum78 · 06/12/2015 00:34

What does your mum say?

IamlovedbyG · 06/12/2015 00:35

This reply has been deleted

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AvaCrowder · 06/12/2015 00:36

Surely you are worth more than excusing him.

What would you advise a friend in the same situation? You are worth the same.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/12/2015 00:37

Don't ltb then.
Phone the police. Let them deal with him.
Perhaps having to deal with the consequences will sober him up in more ways than one.

FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 00:37

She thinks he's a shithead.

He is a shithead.

OP posts:

hesterton · 06/12/2015 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 00:40

Two.

OP posts:

ouryve · 06/12/2015 00:44

Interminably and not always do not describe the same situation.

Even not always abusive is too much abuse, though. No one can tell you how to reliably make that sometimes abuse go away without you getting away from it, yourself.

ouryve · 06/12/2015 00:45

Snd FFS, get your 2 kids away from that shithead.

Do you want them to grow up thinking its normal and OK?

hesterton · 06/12/2015 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/12/2015 00:54

were your children in the house while your husband was being an evil cunt and hitting you? if they were you need to stop this, now. you might not be frightened but they will be.

you want what is best for your husband - but by minimising the abuse, you are setting your kids up for the same thing. this is in no way your fault, however you need to keep your kids and yourself safe.

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/12/2015 00:56

also. whether your kids were there or not, this clearly can't go on. please leave or tell him not to come back. in fact, report the attack to the police and let them tell him.

FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 01:00

He gives very good, 'Hurt man'. He does excellent victim.

I nearly threw him out a couple of weeks ago. He told me I could fuck off if I wanted any money from him.

I am such a fucking idiot.

I haven't protected myself.

He tells me I'm a terrible person and no-one will believe me, because I HAVE done shitty things.

I haven't worked for ten years, I've stayed at home with the DCs, he earns over 100k, but is self employed.

So I AM fucked.

OP posts:

trackrBird · 06/12/2015 01:04

No abuser is abusive all day and every day. If they were, they would never have partners or children.

Don't fall for the 'terrible childhood' excuse: lots of people have those, and don't go on to abuse others. It is a way to keep you trapped, though, especially if you are strong woman and think you can help him. See this video, it may help you

m.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

IamlovedbyG · 06/12/2015 01:11

This reply has been deleted

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FFSNotAgain · 06/12/2015 01:25

Track, that made me cry.

OP posts:

trackrBird · 06/12/2015 01:38

I'm so sorry

It's a tough one, I know. But it's terrible to see good, strong women taking abuse, because they love, and want to help.

GonzoFlyingProducts · 06/12/2015 01:43

From a bloke's point of view who had a "friend" who used to "sometimes lose his temper" with his wife just hear this: One minute you're posting on here, the next you're a corpse on the news. I have no advice for you that you haven't already given yourself. Life is short. Never stay standing in the shit.

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