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Indeterminably abusive DH

(23 Posts)
FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 00:25:59

NC because hey, he's not always fucking abusive! And you're all going to tell me to LTB.

He's a good fucking person most of the time, he had the shittest of shit childhoods, really grim and the majority of the time, he deals with it and he's a good man.

Very, very occasionally (tonight) he has too much to drink and turns into an evil cunt, you can see when it's coming and I don't hide from it, I don't modify my behaviour, I not scared of him, I challenge it, but he turns into a different man. I got two backhanders tonight and kicked him out the door.

He needs to get a fucking grip of what happened to him. He can't come back unless he can accept change. I've had enough, there is so much hatred of women there, so much bile.

I suggested counselling to get to grips with his past, but no.

I'm not scared, I'm not abused, I just want better for him.

summerwinterton Sun 06-Dec-15 00:29:33

you are being abused

IamlovedbyG Sun 06-Dec-15 00:30:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 00:32:01

He's not here, it's ok. My Mum is with me.

Aussiemum78 Sun 06-Dec-15 00:33:26

You are making excuses for him. A shitty childhood doesn't allow you to break the law.

You are minimising. You gave been abused. He hit you. It is abuse. That's why there is a law against it.

You are saying it's ok, because you are strong and can handle it. Which you can until it gets worse. It will have a long term effect.

You aren't ready to face it yet so I won't say LTB.

What happens once you kick him out? He grovels and is super nice to you awhile so you think that kicking him out worked? Does he do anything himself, like counselling to change it or does he fundamentally think he has an excuse? Not my fault, I had a bad childhood so I'm allowed to beat people? Why does he choose to drink again? It's his convenient excuse to hit you right?

Aussiemum78 Sun 06-Dec-15 00:34:22

What does your mum say?

IamlovedbyG Sun 06-Dec-15 00:35:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AvaCrowder Sun 06-Dec-15 00:36:41

Surely you are worth more than excusing him.

What would you advise a friend in the same situation? You are worth the same.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sun 06-Dec-15 00:37:26

Don't ltb then.
Phone the police. Let them deal with him.
Perhaps having to deal with the consequences will sober him up in more ways than one.

FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 00:37:56

She thinks he's a shithead.

He is a shithead.

hesterton Sun 06-Dec-15 00:39:30

Do you have dc?

FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 00:40:30

Two.

ouryve Sun 06-Dec-15 00:44:03

Interminably and not always do not describe the same situation.

Even not always abusive is too much abuse, though. No one can tell you how to reliably make that sometimes abuse go away without you getting away from it, yourself.

ouryve Sun 06-Dec-15 00:45:32

Snd FFS, get your 2 kids away from that shithead.

Do you want them to grow up thinking its normal and OK?

hesterton Sun 06-Dec-15 00:46:43

It's time to move him on then. You can't have your dc seeing, hearing or knowing their mum is being knocked about. That's a bit shit for them.

Though you should be doing it for you really.

flowers

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 06-Dec-15 00:54:26

were your children in the house while your husband was being an evil cunt and hitting you? if they were you need to stop this, now. you might not be frightened but they will be.

you want what is best for your husband - but by minimising the abuse, you are setting your kids up for the same thing. this is in no way your fault, however you need to keep your kids and yourself safe.

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 06-Dec-15 00:56:32

also. whether your kids were there or not, this clearly can't go on. please leave or tell him not to come back. in fact, report the attack to the police and let them tell him.

FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 01:00:03

He gives very good, 'Hurt man'. He does excellent victim.

I nearly threw him out a couple of weeks ago. He told me I could fuck off if I wanted any money from him.

I am such a fucking idiot.

I haven't protected myself.

He tells me I'm a terrible person and no-one will believe me, because I HAVE done shitty things.

I haven't worked for ten years, I've stayed at home with the DCs, he earns over 100k, but is self employed.

So I AM fucked.

trackrBird Sun 06-Dec-15 01:04:42

No abuser is abusive all day and every day. If they were, they would never have partners or children.

Don't fall for the 'terrible childhood' excuse: lots of people have those, and don't go on to abuse others. It is a way to keep you trapped, though, especially if you are strong woman and think you can help him. See this video, it may help you

m.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

IamlovedbyG Sun 06-Dec-15 01:11:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FFSNotAgain Sun 06-Dec-15 01:25:19

Track, that made me cry.

trackrBird Sun 06-Dec-15 01:38:04

I'm so sorry flowers

It's a tough one, I know. But it's terrible to see good, strong women taking abuse, because they love, and want to help.

GonzoFlyingProducts Sun 06-Dec-15 01:43:40

From a bloke's point of view who had a "friend" who used to "sometimes lose his temper" with his wife just hear this: One minute you're posting on here, the next you're a corpse on the news. I have no advice for you that you haven't already given yourself. Life is short. Never stay standing in the shit.

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