A lie, or just me being oversensitive?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Because I'm not really sure...

I'm working a sleep in shift at work tonight. Messaging my bf throughout the evening. Nothing exciting, just your standard stuff. Suddenly a message comes through that clearly wasn't in my bf style. I was really confused, and asked what was going on?

Bf then admitted that he'd gone out drinking with an ex work colleague. He said he hadn't wanted to tell me as he thought I might be upset. Mainly due to him being between jobs and not having much money right now. He also said he didn't want to "upset me" when I'm at work all night. His friend had stolen his phone off him and sent the weird message...allegedly anyway!

Now I feel really off about it. I should add that I am always encouraging him to spend time with friends and go out more. I'm definitely not the controlling type. Is it bizarre behaviour, or should I just take it for what it is? Although I'm not sure what that actually is right now...

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

What did the message say?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Just some daft comment about a work colleague of mine I'd been discussing with my bf.

It was utterly sackless tbh and I can only assume is friend is about 12 years old

[pocketsaviour]

Why would your BF's work colleague send you a comment about someone he'd never met??

This doesn't make sense.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

Where is the lie?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I have no idea pocketsaviour. We were discussing a work colleague of mine (nothing bad btw; just saying how much my boss annoys him. Then a message came through saying "by the way...I hate (insert name of my work colleague) Then my bf sent a message saying he was out with an ex work colleague, and he had taken his phone and sent that message

I don't know if there is a lie Backinthereal world. I just feel really weird about it, and don't know if I should or not?

[ThatsNiceDear]

Is this person female? And was it just the two of them? It's very, very odd to go out for the evening, and be messaging but deliberately hide the fact you're out with someone. Bit odd to go out just the two of them as well. How long have you been together?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

No, not a female. A male ex work colleague who he has mentioned before. Not that that makes me feel much better as my bf is bi (no judgements on that please)

We've been together a year. He said he didn't tell me because I was doing a night shift at work, and he thought I might be upset he'd gone out.

Like I said though...I'm not the jealous, controlling type, so no need to hide it from me. He's saying he would have told me afterwards, but I can't help feeling that he would say that wouldn't he?

It just doesn't sit right with me somehow. Really not sure how to react to be honest.

[caroldecker]

Do you talk about him spending money?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Not really caroldecker. His job situation is sometimes an issue between us though; which he might have interpreted as me not wanting him to spend his money.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind though tbh. I'm not his mum! I'm always encouraging him to go out more.

[Outcomesthebunnyofdeath]

Could it not be that ex male work colleague is the person out for drinks with your BF ? Only explanation i can think of that makes sense with the message that was sent ?

[Outcomesthebunnyofdeath]

Sorry, your work colleague ?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

No, my bf was out for a drink with an ex work colleague of his.

It was a college of mine that we were discussing via text though.

I'm even confusing myself now!

[Samaritan1]

So the other person read your messages that you sent to your bf? Maybe he left his phone unlocked while he went to the loo? Seems childish, but not unheard of!

[whostheJohnsonnow]

He said he left it on the table and it was unlocked, so the other guy stole it and messaged me.

It's plausible, but I've never known my bf to leave his phone unattended like that. Plus I know his phone locks after a few minutes.

I guess I'm never going to know though really. I might just stop giving it headspace. Hopefully its all totally innocent. Xx

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Well, there's something there that doesn't sit right with you. It's ok to follow the thought. Talk to your bf about it when you see him.

It's almost as if whoever your bf was out with wanted you to know. It could just be silly drunk daftness of course but I'd feel weird about it too - that your bf hadn't just told you he was out in the first place.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

That's just what I thought to be honest. That the person he was with wanted me to know.

Plus I only have his word for it who that person was. In all fairness it could have been anyone!

[LineyReborn]

How would your boyfriend's former work colleague even know the name of a work colleague of yours? That's the bit I don't get. Seems an odd topic fir them to be discussing.

Or had you been texting about your colleague and your bf's former colleague read the texts?

[LobsterQuadrille]

I could be way out here .... but this happened to me once in my drinking days (I am a recovering alcoholic but kept it fairly contained aside from the odd relapse). I was drinking one night and sent my then bf a couple of out of character/odd messages - was very embarrassed immediately afterwards and pretended that a friend of mine was with me and had sent the messages. I'm not saying this is what happened necessarily, but it could be that your bf sent the message, regretted it and was covering his tracks in the only way he could think of.

[WickedWax]

I don't like the lie by omission (not telling you).

And then the reason for the lie being that he's decided how you would respond to the truth (which he's decided would "upset you").

The message thing is just weird.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I'd never even considered that lobster. I guess it's a possibility? Although all the messages before and after it were perfectly sane and sensible.

WickedWax. You've hit the nail on the head there. I'm really upset that he's saying he didn't tell me he was going out because I would be pissed off. Therefore basically putting the responsibility on me for his actions. Which annoys me even more given the fact that in reality I'm always telling him to go out more.

He's now acting like everything is fine, but I'm still really about it. All I know that whenever I've overlooked a mans odd behaviour in the past it always backfires on me.

[Duckdeamon]

Lying by omission would not be OK with me; and nor would him seeking to justify it by implying it was because you could be controlling or unreasonable if he told you.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I know Duckdeamon. It makes me really uncomfortable. If he can be dishonest about this; then what else does he think it's OK to omit telling me?

Really feeling quite depressed about it all now. It's making me feel quite sick the more I think about it.

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Is this a one time occurence OP or does he have form for white lies?

I ask because it would alter my response really. If it's a one off, I would be annoyed by the lie but probably shrug it off as just a stupid decision on his part.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

He does have a bit of form for white lies. That's mainly the reason I'm feeling so unsettled by it.

[Duckdeamon]

It's not a white lie in this case, he thought you might react a certain way and decided it'd be easiest for him to lie to you.

I too would wonder what else he wasn't mentioning.