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My husband really dislikes me... and I had no clue

(275 Posts)
VocationalGoat Sat 05-Dec-15 08:22:25

I won't bother NCing here. I'm just sort of in shock really.
Bit of background, DH is a busy, overworked GP, very unhappy in his profession and dreams every day of leaving. Just passed an incredibly stressful CQC inspection. He's partner in a two doctor practice and is beloved by his patients. He's an awesome GP, very compassionate and giving of his time and just says "no" to 10 minute slots, giving his patients as much time as possible. But the current environment combined with the chronic vitriol towards GPs has been soul destroying. He is unhappy. I just thought that 'we' were safe and sort of cocooned from that element of work-related unhappiness.

Last night was his staff Christmas do and he wanted me to go. I was looking forward to going and had a dress to wear, etc. I had planned on going but on the day , yesterday morning, I emailed him (can't ring him at work) and said I wasn't up to going. I'd had food poisoning last weekend which lasted until Tuesday. I've been up all week with our youngest and what he doesn't know is that ever since the food poisoning I've had cramping and rectal bleeding which really kicked in yesterday. I didn't tell him all this because I didn't want to burden him and also, he gets really funny if I am unwell. He gets a bit, well, mean. So I've learned over the years to keep 'unwellness' on the back burner. We're not allowed to be ill.

I just said I was struggling, feeling anti-social and low and worn out from a tough week. I apologised profusely and told him how much I loved him and that I was sorry that I didn't want to go to the do and above all, I knew that my not going might make him feel unsupported, but that was absolutely not the case. I support him and love him. I just didn't feel up to going. I am just exhausted is all.

In return I got a diatribe of anger, almost hatred. His email was a totally critical attack on me as a person, what a letdown I am... I just let everyone down all the time, I have humiliated him in front of his staff (half of whom don't even know me as they just started recently), and worst of all, I am a liar, a chronic liar. He said, "When I first your son"- to whom he is stepfather- "I asked him what mummy was like and he said you were a liar. And that's you... a liar."

There was just so much more... so, so, so much more in that email than I'd like to repeat here. He was so angry at me in his email... so disappointed in me as a person. He had nothing nice to say about me.

I spent the night alone. He came in around 1:30am and slept in another room. But all I could think of was what I could have lied about. Did my son really describe me as that all those years ago? You don't just say all of this stuff without there being some truth in it. I feel so embarrassed, so ashamed, and so certain he probably opened up to colleagues last night. And his description of me as a letdown as a person and telling me I had no hope of ever achieving anything in life because I am a letdown and a liar... well I feel awful about myself. I don't know what to think. I don't know what this is.

Do you know... my heart is just racing. I didn't see this coming. I feel really ashamed today. Somewhere along the line I've upset him- I think just my very existence has upset him. We don't have a sex life and it's something I've learned to live with but today I realise we don't have one because he really must be repelled by me.

I just feel awful as a person.
Sorry to drag on here. Thanks for reading.

VashtaNerada Sat 05-Dec-15 08:28:20

Oh that's awful OP! Are you able to spend some time talking alone this weekend? It sounds like he's taken all the stress about his job out on you. Perhaps he was looking forward to showing you off and is just disappointed? He needs to explain himself and apologise.

Cookiecake Sat 05-Dec-15 08:29:57

He doesn't sound very nice at all. You shouldn't have to play down being ill because he gets mean. The email sounds vile, if he had an issue why would he leave it for an email. I get that he may be disappointed that you weren't going but he went way too far by the sounds of it. Totally unacceptable and undeserved in my opinion.

OneHandFlapping Sat 05-Dec-15 08:30:27

It's not you, it's him. He's so mean when you're ill, that you feel you can't tell him, and when you don't do what he wants he blasts you with a vitriolic diatribe. I'm surprised you actually want to have sex with him tbh.

Having a busy, stressful and emotionally draining job doesn't excuse him.

leaningtoweroflego Sat 05-Dec-15 08:31:20

That must be awful to hear. If I heard that kind of thing from my partner it'd most likely be over. Do you know what you plan to do?

I'm concerned about your health - have you seen your own doctor about the rectal bleeding and cramping?

leaningtoweroflego Sat 05-Dec-15 08:32:24

*to be clear - it'd be over because I'd not want to stay in a relationship where I am hated - and nor should you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 05-Dec-15 08:33:43

Its not you, its him. He is emotionally abusive. No decent sort of H would write to their wife telling them that they are a liar and a letdown as a person; that is really him talking (he is projecting his own abusive crap onto you).

What do you mean when you write he gets funny or mean when you get sick. What happens when he is ill?. Are you expected by him to look after him?. If so, why he is not doing the same for you?. When you also write that "we" are not allowed to be ill does that also apply to your son too?.

Look at his familial background OP as well, what are his parents like?. He learnt a lot from them.

Many such men are quite plausible to those in the outside world; I was not altogether surprised that he goes above and beyond for his patients. You have seen and are again seeing his true nature; he reserves all his abuse for you and you alone.

How old is your son now and what sort of relationship do you have with him these days?. How does he also get on with his stepfather?. I doubt also that your son has ever said any such things about you at all.

Womens Aid can and will also help you here: I would certainly give them a call on 0808 2000 247.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 05-Dec-15 08:34:35

I would also see your own GP asap about this rectal bleeding and cramping.

Gazelda Sat 05-Dec-15 08:37:40

Firstly, go see your own GP about the rectal bleeding. This should. It go unchecked.

Secondly, he is a cruel man. No matter what stress he may be under, what his email said was unforgivable. I'd be telling him to leve for a few days while you both digest what he has written, and then meet somewhere neutral to discuss.

I'm not sure if I could get past this.

ProjectPerfect Sat 05-Dec-15 08:38:27

Alarm bells rang when you described the detailed explanation that you clearly felt compelled to give him for not attending his staff party. It's not normal to have to "apologise profusely" or to have to preempt feelings of his being "unsupported" because you are too ill to attend an event.

It's him not you

AgathaF Sat 05-Dec-15 08:41:53

What a vile man he is. I very much doubt your son described you as a liar. He has invented that. It sounds like you walk over eggshells to present yourself as the wife he wants you to be, to the detriment of yourself. Why should you have to pretend that you're not ill when you are? I guess you don't have sex because he doesn't want it, although you do? Was that his decision and have you ever discussed it in an adult way, or was it a decision he just took on his own?

I think you need to think very carefully about what you actually get from being married to this man, if anything. Think too about what kind of father he is, and if he's presenting a positive image of what a grown man, husband and father should be to your DS/DC.

Be kind to yourself today. You've been treated disgustingly by him.

calzone Sat 05-Dec-15 08:43:19

I would have had my own bag packed and gone away for a couple of nights, leaving him to deal with everything......

Lovelydiscusfish Sat 05-Dec-15 08:45:13

He sounds horribly bullying both in this incident and in the fact that he makes you feel you can't say when you are unwell (he's a doctor, ffs, he better than most people should know that that isn't healthy or fair).
He may be stressed, but this doesn't come close to being an excuse. If he is having a breakdown, then he needs to seek help, not take it out on you.
But from what you've implied, there 's a pattern of long term bullying behaviour from him, although this may have bought it to a head.
Poor OP - really hope you are ok.

Cinnamon2013 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:47:21

He's a bully. The fact that you felt you had to apologise profusely and have to hide illness suggests that while you may not have heard him speak so cruelly to you before, his behaviour had already caused you to modify your own, to become cowed, walk on eggshells. I'd get out. You deserve better.

Chrysanthemum5 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:48:33

I think your DH is what my mum (who was from Shetland) would have called a fireside devil. He only shows his true character in his home. The man who controls you to the point where you're hiding serious medical symptoms from him is the real man not the friendly jovial person his patients see.

I really don't say this often but I think you should LTB if not for your sake then your son 's. Your husband is now including him in this - how long until your child becomes a 'problem'?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:53:25

I am ill at the moment and DH is stressed. He is normally lovely but he was being totally grumpy yesterday. He gets really stressed when I am ill as he needs me to keep it all together..we are under a lot of pressure. He also tends to take things out on me if he is very stressed and say things he doesn't mean. And he is generally an absolutely lovely man, husband and father.

So I can see the whole picture here but it really depends what he is like usually.

And obviously what he did is 100% completely unacceptable. And there is no excuse for it. Also you will always feel in your heart that that is what he thinks even if he says he just said it in a temper. I know this.

But I would talk to him when all is calm. See what he says. If he is generally lovely apart from this that is.

Lilybensmum1 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:55:13

I'm so sorry for our op how awful, I can see how that now makes you feel awful about yourself but as others have said its not you its you dh. Have you spoken to him today? Does he generally treat you like this? Is he not at affectionate towards you?

His attitude towards your illness is awful but I have to say ashamedly I used to be like this with my dh I'm a nurse and I got scared when he was ill as I only saw the worst cases at work, so when I should have cared for him I was angry, no it makes no sense needless to say I have completely changed but it's not acceptable.

Like someone said upthread the fact you had to explain in minute detail why you couldn't go to the party whilst withholding vital facts (rectal bleeding) means you feel scared of his response.

I understand your dh is in a stressful job but that's no excuse, he should be able to relax and unwind at home but sounds like he just uses this pressure as an excuse. You will end up loosing all of your confidence and becoming as bad as him. Do you want to work it out with him? Are there enough good things in this relationship to make it worth saving?

Good luck op update us on how you are doing.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:57:47

I wish posters would stop telling people to leave long term relationships on strength of one post on here. (Not you lilybensmum)

I would suggest as a first step that he needs some time off work (I know not easy) and some counselling for the stress.
People are only human. We don't all act wonderfully when under huge pressure. I couldn't be a GP these days.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 08:58:42

No way should he flip out and take it all out on you bit that doesn't make him innately abusive unless he always does it.

OhBigHairyBollocks Sat 05-Dec-15 08:59:07

Firstly, you need to go and get your symptoms checked out, they don't sound good at all OP, and no doubt the stress of this will not help.

Secondly, (anni don't say this lightly) LTB. It's him, not you. I was also a bit confused at the detailed explanation you gave for not attending. Has this happened before?

TheTigerIsOut Sat 05-Dec-15 08:59:11

Good grief! I'm sorry to break the news that you are not married to a compasssionate over stressed GP but to an absolute bully.

All your post speaks victim of domestic abuse (it may be just emotional, but it is still abuse):

- you have been ill for a week but are afraid to mention you are getting worse not to annoy him. You are afraid of him.
- you are going into extremes to re assure him that you love him to avoid the fall out of disappointing him.
-You have rectal bleeding but he is sulking and making you feel guilty because you cannot go to his party? Where on Earth is that compassion you talk about?

ILiveAtTheBeach Sat 05-Dec-15 09:00:13

He sounds horrid. But (and I hate to say it), you lied about why you didn't go to the event confused Maybe you are lying so as not to make him angry, but he's angry that you lie. Vicious Cycle? Nothing will kill a relationship more than a lack of sex. I think you need to have a big talk. And try to get the sex and intimacy back in to the relationship. He sounds very stressed and unhappy and I'm sure you are too. There are some big lifestyle changes needed here, I think.

DartmoorDoughnut Sat 05-Dec-15 09:00:59

What a horrible twat you are married to sad I told my DH I didn't want to attend his Christmas do as I don't want to leave our DS, no reason really, he's 15mths but doesn't sleep through and only a settles for me but would be fine for one evening with the ILs, in any case! DH didn't bat an eyelid.

Your H has no ability to be nice left once he finishes work, kind of understandable but not livable with at all. Stop saying sorry and demand an apology from him for being an utterly horrible bullying arsehole. If you think it's ok imagine how you would feel if your DS was treating his wife as your H is treating you ...

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 05-Dec-15 09:03:02

It totally depends if he is always like this.

Or just being a tWat at the moment (because yes he is being one just now)

TheTigerIsOut Sat 05-Dec-15 09:03:41

fanjoforthemamaries, what screams abuse is that she is so afraid of disappointing him, had to reassure him thoroughly of her love and he is still telling her how much he dislikes her.

You don't get to that level of conditioning unless you have already been put through a lot of abuse.

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