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What to do if you're way more into the relationship than the other person?

(65 Posts)
MyGastIsFlabbered Fri 04-Dec-15 21:45:29

Been seeing a guy for 6 months now, we're both relatively recently single (no crossover though) with kids and it's going well, except I can't shake the feeling that I'm more into it than him. We haven't discussed 'feelings' and I'm not sure I want to in case it scares him off, but on the other hand I'm not sure I want to go on not knowing either. I hate the fact that so much of whether I'm in a good mood or not depends on whether I've heard from him or not.

Part of me thinks I should end it and work on being happy in myself, but I do really like him.

Has anyone experienced similar and what was the outcome?

springydaffs Sat 05-Dec-15 00:59:18

Act cooler for a bit and see what happens?

LucyBabs Sat 05-Dec-15 01:08:03

Hmmm mygast I've felt the same. I was in a 5 year relationship where I was definitely more into him obsessive he wouldn't commit but I kept pushing it because he was the love of my lifehmm

I met my now exdp, we have two dc, 10 years ago, right from the start he was more into me than i was him. I fancied him, loved him but he was head over heals for almost all of our relationship.
I think my exdp was so desperate to be loved and wanted and we worked,he thought I was the one iyswim?

Anyway after rambling yes work on yourself first I'm currently doing that and hope i won't ever feel that awful desperation I felt when I was younger. Good luck flowers

OhYesToYestyn Sat 05-Dec-15 01:30:00

did you let him go, Lucy? that sounds sad as you said you did love him - did his neediness put you off in the end?

AlwaysBeYourself Sat 05-Dec-15 01:35:03

If he doesn't seem totally into you then he most probably isn't. Try pulling back some yourself and get busy with your own life and friends and interests more so that he has to work harder to see you. That way you don't have to give him up, you get to work on yourself and you get to see how keen he really is. If he doesn't bother much then you will have your answer.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 06-Dec-15 14:21:33

Me again! I think part of my problem is that I assume other people act the same way I do, for example no matter how busy I am I can always find time to send a text if I want to, so if he doesn't text me I immediately assume he doesn't want to contact me, rather than just thinking he's busy confused

I wish I could just go with the flow & enjoy it rather than question everything. Trouble is, I don't know quite how I feel about him, I don't know how he feels about me, and I'm not even sure I know how I want him to feel about me. I can't stop dwelling on this, rather than relax about it.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 06-Dec-15 16:33:12

But now he's cancelled tonight on me and I'm bitterly disappointed. I've had a terrible falling out with most of my friends so I don't have much of a social life apart from him.

I just don't know if I'm up to having a relationship at all at the moment.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 06-Dec-15 16:39:44

Put more effort into friends for a while , if that's the real problem.

designerPixie Sun 06-Dec-15 17:57:47

Hi Flabby - think we met once before on the MH threads. I too struggle with keeping friends and often find they ignore me, and just seem to 'go off me' after a short time. I never have any idea why though, but I might be a bit loud in certain social situations on reflection. Anyway, this is about you, not me, Is it same for you? really not trying to steal your thread.

I totally agree with other posters who say you should try to get back in touch with your friends again though. Is that something you might be able to face doing? Are they likely to be receptive?

Have they met your boyfriend? Do they all like him and support your relationship with him? Anyway, enough questions, just sending you a virtual hug and kisses. You take good care of you now.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sun 06-Dec-15 18:38:15

Sounds incredibly unhealthy. Your happiness is dependent on whether you've heard from him? Really? That's teenage-dependancy level. Between that and falling out with your friends, you need to work on your own mental stability - how on earth can you consider this dynamic sustainable?

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 06-Dec-15 19:38:34

I've realised I'm not feeling at all healthy right now. I don't know whether to call OOH or speak to my GP tomorrow. I'm in the midst of a massive anxiety attack that won't seem to quit.

I've tried contacting my friends and asking them what's wrong, but they say nothing but then continue to avoid me. I just don't know what else to do. The idea of just upping sticks and starting somewhere else seems really appealing right now, although I realise wherever I go I'll still be me with all my problems.

springydaffs Sun 06-Dec-15 20:01:55

Get on the MH board darling, spell out how you're feeling there flowers

Meanwhile, keep an eye on your breathing: keep it deep, into your stomach, not your shoulders; big sigh when you think of it xx

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 07-Dec-15 21:44:52

Well today I got an 'it's not you it's me' e-mail but he didn't actually say it was over. I've asked him where we go from here but haven't heard back, if I don't hear by tomorrow I'll call time myself.

I'm going to work on myself before attempting dating again, I promise.

darlingish Mon 07-Dec-15 22:28:45

Hey I'm in a very similar situation .
Honestly don't be so hasty .
You VE only known the man 6 monyhs and he's Prob feeling pressure to commit more .
My advice would've to do like others have said . Love yourself first . Become more independent of your own happiness . Write down what makes you happy and aim for it .
I found mediation ( headspace app ) really helped me . Taught me to focus on other things .
If you are more independent , happy , see your friends more , follow your own hobbies you will be far more attractive anyway .
In thee anyone let him come look for you and if he doesn't uou k ow your answer x

AlwaysBeYourself Mon 07-Dec-15 22:28:57

Please stop contacting him. He is not interested. That is what he is saying to you. You sound like you have invested your life in him. Wanting him to make you feel worthwhile and happy. That is not his or any other man/friends job. That is for you to do and until you have done that for yourself, you are not in a position to have a healthy relationship with another.

Morganly Mon 07-Dec-15 22:59:47

I'm not clear what happened with your friends. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but think about this. Was it a "terrible falling out" as you said first? Did something specific happen? In a subsequent post you seem to be saying, it's more of a low key cooling off and when you've asked you've been fobbed off? Is there one person who you think may be more honest or sympathetic who you could ask?

If it looks like you aren't going to get anywhere with old friends, you need to be thinking about how to build new friendships. If you are having mental health difficulties (and it's sadly not unknown for friends to tire of people who are going through mental health difficulties and avoid socialising with them), there are support groups for people with similar difficulties who could be an excellent source of new friends. GP is a good place to start.

Are you working? Is there any scope there for developing friendships? How about joining some clubs or activity groups? I know that is a total cliche but I have made friends at a book group and at an exercise class, so it can work.

You are expecting a romantic partner to meet all your social and emotional needs and it's possible that at some point in the future you will meet that man, but you will scare off most in the early stages if you are so obviously needy and lacking in self-reliance.

You can move if you want to. Sometimes a change is invigorating but friendships and romance won't fall into your lap, you will still need to think and plan how to achieve what you want for yourself.

MyGastIsFlabbered Tue 08-Dec-15 07:01:29

Re my friends, I did have a falling out with one friend, and since then I feel as if other mutual friends have been avoiding me. If I ask them about it, they just make excuses not to see me and say nothing's wrong. I've tried to make amends with the original friend I fell out with but so far have been ignored. I don't really know what else to do.

I've only been at work for 3 months so it's too early to make real friends there, plus with 2 small children it's hard to pursue other interests.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment so will just concentrate on that for the time being.

josephwrightofderby Tue 08-Dec-15 07:59:06

The thing that rings alarm bells for me here isn't the doubt 'Am I more into him than he's into me?' but the fact that you say your mood is utterly dependent on contact with him. It sounds to me like a problem with co-dependency! I wonder if you tend to get embroiled in relationships that are quite one-sided, where you are the one doing all the giving, and then to resent the one-sidedness until you eventually explode?

This is quite a common problem with giving people. Often it means you need a bit more space to focus on your own dreams and ambitions. I realise that this might sound like the last thing you need with two small children, but is there any way of creating some more time for yourself?

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Tue 08-Dec-15 09:09:17

What caused the falling out? Maybe we can help you find a way to work on your friendships, if you feel that is the heart of why you are suctioning yourself to one person so fiercely.

Also remember that some friendship groups... Well, it's just like school sometimes isn't it.

MyGastIsFlabbered Wed 09-Dec-15 20:07:43

So I haven't heard from him and I haven't contacted him, but it hurts. I hadn't realised quite how much a part of my support network he was.

Please tell me it gets easier. I keep telling myself it's for the best, but I still keep hoping he'll get in contact and tell me he's changed his mind.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Wed 09-Dec-15 20:29:12

"Please tell me it gets easier." Didn't you break up with your husband this year?

RedMapleLeaf Wed 09-Dec-15 20:29:30

It gets easier. Don't confuse love with your needs around loneliness, boredom, insecurity etc. Look to build support systems that don't rely on a man for dealing with these (including, sometimes, just accepting that these are part of everyday life). flowers and write here rather than contact him.

MyGastIsFlabbered Wed 09-Dec-15 21:19:10

Yes I did, but I'd fallen out of love with him a long time ago.
I don't think I loved this man, but I enjoyed his company, and he made me feel a damn sight better about myself than my shitty ex did, and now I've lost that again.

Sorry, I feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity, but this has knocked me for six.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 09-Dec-15 21:52:29

Taking time to lick your wounds is not a bad thing. You've just got to work on taking responsibility for your own happiness. That way, when a person (friend, boyfriend etc) leaves your life you don't lose your happiness.

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 10-Dec-15 15:53:35

Me again. I've realised the main reason I'm devastated by this isn't because he's the love of my life, it's because he'd become a huge part of my support network and without warning that's been taken away from me.

I keep telling myself it's for the best and I can work on myself, but it's still hard and I keep sobbing. I've had my meds increased and I hope they begin to help soon.

There's still part of me hoping he gets back in contact as I really miss him, but I accept it's probably best if he doesn't.

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