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Abusive ex driving me nuts(9 Posts)
So I left my abusive ex just after christmas last year. And yes I will be opening a bottle of prosecco on the anniversary date to celebrate! During the marriage he was mainly verbally abusive (extremely so) but also at times physically abusive including when I was pregnant and after we split (in front of my dc- so you can imagine the hell that unleashed for a few months as i reported him). It was a long long time getting to the point where I was able to leave.
Mumsnet has held my hand all way through (I have nc since), through building up to leaving , the actual day i finally broke and walked out the door with dd with nothing but the clothes on our back, to the day he attacked me in front of dd and I had to call the police. I've posted on here each time and been helped more than I can say.
We've come to a point now where we are "amicable" but recently he is really driving me nuts. We are in family home and he refuses to call where he is his "home". He moans and does the whole feel sorry for me thing if I change anything in the house. Recently I moved a photo of him out of the lounge and put it in a less obvious place and he hasn;t let up about how its unfair on on dd and even got her to tell me she was upset - she hadn't mentioned it at all before she saw him. He often starts the childcare he does in the house, although does eventually leave to go to his. It drives me mad as he doesn't really provide her with very good meals. She never really stays at his which is fine with me as I don't want her to spend huge tranches of time with him but it means he puts her to bed here and then hangs around for ages after.
I am going to let him be here xmas day, dd is anxious about it and I am sure we can manage one day. The older she gets ,the easier it will be to not do that. I am not sure I would do it next year, but I've already promised dd.
I was going to wait until she starts secondary school to divorce, as it will mean selling the house and we are in a good catchment. Plus I have approximately zero money to pay for the process. I need to save up.
I am now thinking that I will wait for the 2 years - so another year - but save like crazy so that I can afford to get divorced and get rid of the fecker. If its my own house i just won't give him keys and he can't bloody come in when he collects her from school etc then.
But how to get through the next year? He's said he can;t go on if we divorce, but then he moans all the time about the cost of renting. Recently I;ve been able to disengage completely and I just don't get involved, which is helping me.
I feel really guilty at the idea of moving dd, I should just about be able to stay in catchment area, as long as the divorce isn't mad crazy (I;m thinking waiting 2 years will help on that) and i get 60% (till she;s 18). Not sure.
I think i just needed to get it out really. He's really really driving me nuts. He rings and texts me all the time. Most of the time it;s just friendly, but sometimes he has epic moans about money, housing etc. I just feel that I haven;t completely got rid of him. But I suppose that happens when you have dc. Would love to just be able to turn my back and never see him again.
Do not let him in your home.
Do not have him in your house on Christmas Day. Your dd is anxious? about him being there? Then don't.
He lost the right to play happy families when he abused you. I don't think you should go out of your way to facilitate contact either tbh. It's showing your dd that no matter what an abusive man does, he still gets it all. If your dd is anxious by seeing him, then back and support her to keep her strong and safe.
Do not allow any messages that are not directly related to contact, if you insist on allowing it. He's still running you. He has no right o monopolise your time.
He has left the house. He has no right to access when you've had to call the police in the past and his abuse is documented and witnessed. He can take you to court, but can't see him winning...
You lost your keys remember. Change the locks... And your memory isn't what it once was... You keep forgetting to get keys cut...
You sound lovely, but you really do have to harden your heart. Seriously, I have been there (albeit not with a child). My ex (also abusive) managed to wheedle back in to my life - and the abuse continued. When I left, like you oddly enough, just after Christmas one year he stayed in touch. Fool that I am I even loaned him money (£900 in dribs and drabs - never got it back, that was over 14 years ago...)
Finally, after a very abusive phone message (or 6) which he left whilst I was out for lunch with a friend of mine, I decided enough was enough and I started divorce proceedings. And at that stage I hardened up.
If your child doesn't want him there at Christmas then he shouldn't be there. He'll have a happy day (which he doesn't deserve in comparison to your child) and your child is already edgy. He's still playing happy families. That ended last Christmas.
You need to sort out what is right for your child first, you second and him a very long way back third. Yes he is entitled to see his child but that could be in the local park or at a Beefeater on Boxing Day. it doesn't have to be at your home. Your home. He lives elsewhere. Of course he is having a hard time coming to terms - he has lost control of your life.
You need to be strong for your child - she needs to know that if she doesn't want to see him you will fight her corner. Otherwise it's like saying to her that she has to have the class bully over to play every week including Christmas! you wouldn't do that so you need to find ice in your heart for him. Polite but distant. Don't rock the boat (I know what it's like to walk on eggshells) but at the same time the answer to everything that you or DC don't want to do is a resounding and constant NO! He'll find someone less strong sooner that way and you'll see less of him.
Best thing was when I hardened up. My ex went off with a tail between his legs and the levels changed. Where I had been on the bottom of the scale I actually felt myself rise. Now my ex is the equivalent of dirt on my shoe. I have a DH and a wonderful DS now. But if I hadn't toughened up I know I would still be dreading yet another Christmas with my ex - he was a smooth talker, a liar and a dreamer which sounds like your ex. Do not let him in and don't send confusing messages. Saying you want to divorce then inviting him round for Christmas is confusing. It's too early to play happy ex families. Meetings take place outside your home - in public - not in your living room.
I'm not explained myself well - no dd does want him over xmas, she's worried about not seeing him, iyswim. That;s the only reason I've allowed xmas day.
I've woken up today to dd telling me how he was in tears last night with her over everything, and then a loooonnnnng email from him, well , you can imagine.
I've replied saying if he can't cope with me changing the house then better he doesn't come in, and doesn't see dd here, and that in turn will make her less anxious when i make changes. I've also said we need to proceed with a divorce next year because obviously he needs his money out of the house, so he can stop renting (and moaning on about his lack of money). I can see now that every day we're not divorced keeps me tied to him.
Phone is off, not checking email. I've also said that he can still come for xmas day but absolutely only if he can remain calm and not emotional.
What is about these men that make them feel they have to tell you everything that is wrong with you - when he has physically attacked me and got a caution! Apparently Im a control freak with Stalinist tendencies.
See, driving me nuts.
Problem is i can't afford a divorce. Is it possible to pay the lawyer on settlement? I can probably manage the court costs etc and do all of it myself aside from the financial settlement (which he will fight tooth and nail over).
I wouldn't allow him in. He is likely to make it dreadful anyway. And if he doesn't see your DD it's his doing. Not yours.
Meanwhile, even if it's his house, look into residency and keeping him out legally. You'd have to apply to court but I'd say totally worth it.
Yes to keeping him at arm's length - I wouldn't have him there for christmas, it's just asking for emotional blackmail and bullying
He needs to grow up, and you need to get some boundaries in place, or let him take you to court for access - he's attacked you and received a caution, so admitted the offence??? I wouldn't have him near my house, sorry
"Problem is I can't afford a divorce. Is it possible to pay the lawyer on settlement?"
Yes, it is. Many solicitors will accept those terms.
He is abusing your dd.
He tears etc are designed to manipulate her.
That is why she's anxious about seeing him on Christmas Day. Because he's guilted her.
Beware this abuser. You think it's just you he hates as a woman? Or have you realised how far he will go to hurt you?
Your dd is collateral damage here, she doesn't matter to him, just as a way of getting at you.
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