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Relationships

Am I the only woman who feels like this?

41 replies

makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 19:27

Not sure where to start, been with DH for 25 yrs, married 15. 2 DCs.
I've been a SAHM for 2 years, DH runs his own business (with a partner).

He works very long hours in a highly stressful job. Most of the time I cope with more or less being an SP until it gets to the point where I feel he's taking the piss and everything erupts (usually about every 6 months).

Well I'm sick of playing this game. What's really sent me off the scale this time is that he forgot to turn up tonight to the Xmas lights turn on in our village. No biggee but its a family tradition we do every year. When DS phoned him when we got home, apparently it was my fault for "not emailing" him to remind him!! WTAF?? The DCs were gutted he wasn't there and I really had to bite my tongue.

This was after he almost forgot to pick up DS from a football training session Wed evening (something he is expected to do every week). I'd just got home after dropping DS off and had a nagging thought that DH would forget about DS. So I rang him 5 mins before end of training and sure enough he'd forgotten Angry. He couldn't understand why I was so livid - never mind DS would have been left waiting on a dark, freezing cold pitch.

I've just had enough; he seems incapable of putting his family first. Everything involving the DCs has to be organised by me and its a given that I should be DHs PA if I require his involvement. The usual arguments swirl around "you take me for granted/you dont care about me or DCs (me); you don't understand how busy/stressful work is; I cant be expected to remember everything"(him) - round and round and round.

In his more conciliatory moments he is mortified that I think he doesn't care and when I'm feeling more generous I realise how hard he works and that he cant be expected to remember all our family engagements. BUT when I have to remind him time after time, it feels more like I'm dealing with a 3rd child than a grown man and actually I start to worry about what would happen if I wasn't around to double/triple remind him of engagements. Its like because I'm the SAHM he absolves all responsibility for taking control.

Dont know what to do anymore; not even sure I love him. Sure as hell feels like he doesn't give a shit about me.

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Handywoman · 04/12/2015 20:01

You are absolutely not the only woman who feels like this!! What an utter pisstake.

Not sure what you can do though. Maybe take a leaf out of his book and stop washing his pants, state you are too busy to think of everything

Presumably if he runs a business he has ways of remembering tasks? You know, like, giving a shit

Sounds like a very entrenched pattern. And is probably eroding the love for him. YANBU to feel like this.

Book yourself a week on holiday? Take a job so you are not so obviously at his neck and call (how old are your dc?) ?

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pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 20:12

Has this been the pattern throughout your marriage, or has it only started since he started this business?

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:18

Handy - yes you've hit the nail on the head. He's "eroding" my love for him.

He's literally just walked in the door, no apology for missing the lights, collapsed in a chair saying he's exhausted. In big strop because I haven't done his dinner (would've had fish and chips if he'd been at lights!)

DCs are 8 & 10. Yes I know I could go back to work now to 'teach him a lesson' but I think the whole house of cards would collapse if I did.

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:21

Pocket; thought hard about how long this has been going on and it started when the business was set up about 8 years ago.

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StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2015 20:23

Have you asked him how he manages to remember work appointments? Unless he has a secretary he just needs to do the same!

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:28

Stealth, says he remembers work appointments because they're in his calendar - plus I bet he gets reminders from colleague.

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Handywoman · 04/12/2015 20:30

TBH I know this is blunt and I'll prob get flamed for it but - it might be worth pointing out that if he really just can't be part of family life except for his financial contribution then he may as well live elsewhere and pay maintenance.

No?

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Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 20:31

Well yes, that is the solution. ! You say yourself that he works really hard. It's a huge stress to be the only breadwinner for the whole family. I think you have two choices, (well you could always LTB but that so that would be three) the first is to accept that with two older children at school all day, you could agree to be his PA for an hour a day. Make it official. Send him emails, organise his time and make sure he is where he should be . The second choice is to relieve some of the financial burden by returning to work either full or part time, that way he wouldn't need to work so much, leaving him free to engage more fully with family life. If you return full time, then he will need to take on half of the child-run around and housework or you both employ a cleaner from your wages. However I do not think it very fair for him to have all the stress of providing for the whole family whilst you are a sahm to two school age children and complaining that he is too busy to engage. !

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Handywoman · 04/12/2015 20:32

When he got in a strip how did you not rip his head off and shout in his face that this is not the 1950s??????? I would be Angry

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Handywoman · 04/12/2015 20:33

Haha strop (re no dinner) not strip

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:35

Haha Handy - only reason I didn't lose it was because DS was in room

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amitha · 04/12/2015 20:38

There is one thing being forgetful and another letting you down. Can he not set reminders in his calendar/phone? I can understAnd you don't want to support him when he is not supporting you, but maybe you need to sit down and make some arrangements. So go over the weeks plans, work out who is doing what, work out ways to remember, agree what you will do to support him. Could you help out in the business to take a bit of pressure off? I know when dh and i are busy with work we do lose track of things. Hope you find a way through together.

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StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2015 20:40

I use mu work calendar for most personal appointments. I can't be in two places at once so that makes sense to me

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TendonQueen · 04/12/2015 20:41

Ask how he's going to feel when the kids tell their teachers 'Daddy forgot to pick me up' as one day they will. And ask if his business partner also tries to blame his slip ups on others, or if he behaves like an adult and takes responsibility for them himself.

I would look for at least part time work.

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:43

Marilyn - firstly he seems to conveniently forget a lot of emails I send. For instance this morning I sent 2 reminding him of tonight. Said I should've phoned him! So adding PA to my list of duties wouldn't help.

Secondly this was a joint decision that I became a SAHM - ironically with the intention to make his and family life easier. I used to travel a lot for work and when he started up the business it gradually became clear that something had to give. TBH I didn't mind at he time as rather naively thought it would be an equal division of our labour. I do not sit on my backside all day doing nothing - As well as taking care of kids and home I am a carer for my disabled mother and help out a lot at school.

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Orangesarenot · 04/12/2015 20:44

I send my DH calendar appointments, including travel time. I've got a personal Gmail calendar, and so I make an appointment (with autoset reminders) and send his work email a calendar request to that appointment, and he accepts it. We use it for everything - weekends away, people visiting, his turn to clean the house, things he needs to get from supermarket... I'm sure if his boss ever sees his calendar he'll think we're barking, but it works really well for us. I'm so used to doing it for myself, it doesn't even take an extra 30 secs to do his appointments too. He has no idea how much is in my calendar, so he gets extra chores to make up for the time I spend organising him Xmas Grin

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Handywoman · 04/12/2015 20:44

Obviously he is working lots in a stressful job. But.... the crux is he wasn't contrite or disappointed (in himself or for the dc) re missing the lights or forgetting to pickup the df he just blamed his social secretary mother wife for it.

It's very revealing about where he sees his role and yours, OP.

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 20:49

Thing is, even if I start putting stuff directly into his calendar I'm quite sure if something kicked off at work, personal/family commitments would fly out the window. Intentionally or unintentionally he gets caught up in the moment.

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StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2015 20:56

Well that's an entirely different thing. He doesn't prioritise these things.

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Marilynsbigsister · 04/12/2015 21:05

Then you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your roles and expectations. I am assuming that your joint decision for you to be a SAHM to free up time for him to concentrate on the business and you to organise the family has been taken as exactly that by your DH. If you feel that he should be having more input with family, then you need to tell him - but be prepared that less input from him into business will have a commensurate effect on your standard of living.
Running your own business , one that supports a whole family ( probably two families as you mentioned a partner) is hugely stressful and time consuming, it is not like just working 9-5. If you don't put in the work the whole thing can come tumbling down, that is a lot of pressure on one person who is responsible for the welfare of 3 others.
It sounds to me like he could do with more support from you. Either financially to relieve the pressure or time-wise. If you are finding yourself short of time to do what you have said yourself was the reason for being a SAHM, perhaps you need to drop some of the helping out a lot at school.

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 21:12

Marilyn, it's not that I'm running out of time to do things, its that he NEEDs to be involved in certain activities as a father and husband ( and trust me I filter out the dross).

There is nothing I can do to make that any simpler for him whether I become a lady of leisure or a corporate Wonder Woman. Some things are his responsibility.

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 04/12/2015 21:14

I had this in my marriage, except that I worked full time as well, albeit in a less high powered job that H's.As you say doing everything for everyone is exhausting and having it taken for granted that you will do so is even more so.I resented DH badly (to be fair to him when the babies were very small he was working his way up including some evenings at college) be sure I had to juggle two under two, a demanding job and the house, with not much help from him.we fell into that being the pattern, and it became the norm Nd h couldn't get his head round the facts that I needed help, and also that actuAlly although my job pays less I still wanted the chance to do it well (and to keep it couldn't be taking time off every time a kid was poorly or whatever). This was the big breaker in our marriage in the end really, amongst some other things-it wasn't the sole cause. Ironically the dad's now see their dad more as he has now arranged to finish work early (by which he means on time at 5) two nights a week so he can have them.the split is amicable largely....last weekend be made a roast dinner for us all-something he never did when we were married! His relationship with the girls is much better now actually-such a shame it took us splitting up for him to realise he needed to put them first a little bit more.
Your H needs to wake up a bit really Op before you go the same way we did.better to be poorer and happier with your family than wealthy because yor business is booming but paying a lot of child maintenance!

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 04/12/2015 21:15

Sorry about typo's.ruddy phone!

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timelytess · 04/12/2015 21:15

Go back to work. You'll need it when you finally kick the lazy ass out of your life.

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makemineasnowball · 04/12/2015 21:21

Conkers - yes that has come up before that if I were to leave he would be forced to step up and 'be there' if he wanted a relationship with his DCs!

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