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Horrible ex being arsey - general rant.(11 Posts)
Just a vent/rant really. Split up with my ex a while back. He was emotionally abusive. He still has some belongings and some money of mine and we were supposed to be making arrangements for these to be returned to me. Up until Wednesday he was being reasonable, and approachable. We then had a phone conversation that went awry and since then he's been a total arsehole. Why I'm surprised?? It's just shaken me up after having been away from him and 'safe' for a while.
He is now being utterly nasty and unreasonable. Awkward, and clearly simply attempting to play power games. I will not engage. He had led me to believe that he would bring my belongings round (he has a car, I don't), and I said he could bring them whenever was convenient for him. He responded with a comment about him doing the "donkey work". I have now told him I will collect my belongings at a time convenient for him. And I will, because I just want it all to be over. Even if he demands I'm there at 4.30 am - I'll make it!
I just find it incredible that he is being so utterly, utterly arsey when he didn't want to lose me. Just recently, we met and got onto a more level footing. You think he'd want this to continue, but apparently not. He is making this so difficult and it's so scary for me. He really does frighten me. I always thought that at least, in regard to my money, he would be reasonable, and actually, he was up until lately. Just having to engage in text with him is frightening. I live in fear of the next 'ping' and what it will say
I don't know what I really want from this, I just needed to put it all down. I guess the only positive I can take from this is that the more unpleasant he is, the more I realise how lucky I am to be away from him now.
Thanks for reading - I realise it's trivial compared to what many people are going through.
I just find it incredible that he is being so utterly, utterly arsey when he didn't want to lose me.
That's exactly why he's being a cunt - because he's lost you. Your belongings represent the only bit of power he's got left over you, and he doesn't want to let go of that control.
Can you take a friend with you when you go to collect your things? Don't tell him you will, though. Just turn up with company.
I agree with the getting a friend or family member involved scenario - except I was going to say is there someone that could just communicate with him directly to go and get the stuff for you so that you don't have to have any interaction with him at all?
Maybe he'd be more straight and just set up a time for a quick exchange with someone other than you.
Anyway - sorry this is happening, hope you can get your belongings back asap and then never have to speak with him again!
Thank you for your replies. Yes, as it happens I have a friend who would go with me for support. Today though, he's changed his tune four times - firstly it's up to me, then it's up to him. To get it over with quickly, I said I could collect the things tomorrow, he immediately said no, it's not convenient (I hadn't specified a time!).
Eventually, I said that I'd fit round him. Even that (and you can't be more reasonable that that, can you??) brought an reply that didn't even make sense! Something like "I said in my last text I'd sort it so I don't need any help at all..." In fact, he hadn't said anything of the sort!! Dear god, he's a total knob.
I've been crying my eyes out here, for so many reasons, not least that he's proving to be a bully and that's something he often was. And because I wish I could tell him to stuff the money, I'm willing to give it up just to get him out of my life.
My mum just offered to ring him and see if he'd be more reasonable with her! That made me cry. She's 84, bless her. BUt you know, if he carries on in this view, I'll ask him to let her know when he's ready and yes, he can take it round there. Of course, this will merit another arsey text along the lines of "So I have to do the donkey work after all then?" or "How old are you that you have to get your mum involved?" (I'm 46 by the way!)
Bollocks to it all. I would never have treated him like this. I loathe him now, I really do. How quickly it can turn from love to hate.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it's SO appreciated right now
Oh dear i've just posted something quite similar. My ex is the same , we are generally ok but then he'll go and be a complete and utter arse , just like in our marriage actually. I identify with the frustration of having to have the feeling of anger towards someone in your life. arghhh
piperchapman - why do they do that? It really does lull us into a false sense of security, doesn't it? And does it just come out of the blue with your ex? I'm just counting the days until I can cease contact altogether!
Id be tempted to show up on his doorstep, with a large male friend, and ask for it there and then. Are these large items? how much money? Tbh you may need to assume you wont get them back and move on if you can afford to do so. Otherwise it will need a solicitor. Holding on to them his control. He wont want to give that control up. Id guess he would throw it all away before giving it you back.
I've been throught this recently too. Personal belongings plus money etc. don't show him how upset you are, he sounds like a control freak. Block his calls and go through a third party/solicitor if you can afford.
Caleigh - good idea re the male friend! But as it is, he's bringing it round on Monday. You're right re the control - though I know he's really upset about us splitting up, what I can't grasp is how nasty he can be. He can really lash out. Through hurt, partly, I'm sure, but it's so childish and he's making it far worse than it needs to be.
expectantmum - no, I won't show him how upset I am. I know from experience that that doesn't move him either, so there's no point. It's so hard for me to be cold and practical, and I'm sure that makes him worse (when he doesn't get an emotional reaction) but it's the only way.
It's all so ridiculous.
He isnt upset about you splitting up. He is annoyed he has lost his control of you
He has. A lesson learnt/learned (never know which way is correct) anyway. Will be so much more cautious in the future.
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