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I wish I had someone to love me

(17 Posts)
myfirstandonlylove Fri 04-Dec-15 15:33:14

The title is taken from a song which was one of three I sent to a woman whom I have loved from afar for some time. By way of background I am in my very early 40s but am a shy and very inexperienced man. I had one relationship ten years ago. When she went away she tore the heart out of my chest and broke it into a million pieces. I have spent the last decade picking those pieces up. I have suffered debilitating depression for which I am now having treatment. Anyway this woman is a coworker but she is from a different department. I love her with every fibre of my being and want nothing more than to be able to tell her what I feel. Even if she says "no way" or laughs at me, not that I think she is like that, at least I will find peace then. I think about her all the time and I desire her so much but I am very conflicted as I posted before as these feelings feel somehow wrong and disrespectful. I will see her shortly in a social setting albeit with many others present and I am afraid I will turn scarlet red like a tongue tied teenage boy in her presence. I am at best I tell.myself an average looking man and you would certainly not look at me twice if you passed me in the street. Anyway the idea of the CD I sent her was to make her feel better about some professional difficulties she had recently had. I feel.stupid yet unburdened writing this. I cannot think of a single reason any woman would want to be with me over anyone else and yet these feelings which I have felt and not acted on so many, many times before just will not go away. I am interested to hear what people think about this and I apologise if it sounds badly expressed or too fulsome.

Smorgasboard Fri 04-Dec-15 15:45:02

Sorry but it seems that emotions run away with you somewhat. If you get into a relationship, be careful that your feelings don't make it all about how you feel, rather than how they feel. Nobody healthy wants to be put on a pedestal or overly worshiped.
!0 years to 'get over someone' is an out of proportion long time. TBH if I was the object of your desire, I'd find it a little scary the way you describe the depth of your feelings, for someone, who, after all, you really do not know the warts and all. Love is something that develops over time, what you are describing is more like infatuation.
This says more about your issues than another person's worth.

SongBird16 Fri 04-Dec-15 15:46:05

Have you actually sent the cd?

I don't mean to be unkind, but receiving a cd of songs from a colleague would make me run a mile. It is a very teenage thing to do I think.

If you haven't sent it, please reconsider.

If you have sent it then at least you will have your answer - you have essentially told her how you feel and will be able to tell from her response whether she is interested or not.

If you can't tell whether she's interested, she probably isn't.

I would suggest that, next time you are interested in someone, you don't wait so long to make your move, as you could potentially be wasting a lot of time on a fantasy. In future find a way of subtly showing your interest and if she doesn't respond, back off and move on, knowing that you won't have damaged a professional relationship.

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Dec-15 16:08:53

Please don't declare your love for this woman. Chances are it will make her incredibly uncomfortable. That along with a cd sent randomly could come across really quite stalkerish.

Do by all means use the social situation to chat with her and ask about her interests and so on. Then possible follow up with an invitation to have a drink at some point. This is how people expect to begin relationships, not with Milktray man jumping in with undying love.

Do you have anyone in rl you could talk to about all this? You are fantasising about this woman. You don't love her, that's not what love is. Sure you are infatuated which is very painfu and difficult and needs to be recognised as such, not allowed to continue.

myfirstandonlylove Fri 04-Dec-15 19:15:08

I have reread my post and to be fair it does not sound great. But the words stalkerish and obsession have hurt me. I spoke to this person at postwork drinks earlier tonight and I think she was happy to receive the CD and beyond that I just don't know. I am not a person incapable of mastering my feelings although I accept those reading the first post may feel reason to disagree. Certainly if I am given no reciprocal signals I will gracefully step back and not make her feel uncomfortable. I must admit the process of declaring an interest in someone is a hard, hard one to navigate,for me at least.

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Dec-15 19:24:44

I'm sorry if my words have hurt you, certainly not intended. Great that you've chatted together and she liked your cd. smile Now would be a good time to follow up by saying you enjoyed chatting with her and would she like to come for a drink/ coffee/ whatever you might both enjoy some time?

I just meant that jumping in and declaring love for someone is likely to be off putting. Asking someone out for a drink is fine. Email would be fine IMO if you fear blushing.

Good luck. fsmile

Jw35 Fri 04-Dec-15 20:06:32

I'm sorry but you do sound obsessed. Just ask her out! This is crazy!

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Dec-15 20:10:26

Hello again OP smile Am I right in thinking you were already at the friendly chatting stage with this colleague? I guess you must be if you knew she'd been having a hard time recently. In that case I don't think the CD was stalkerish. If you didn't know her already then it would be over the top.

So now as PPs suggested, ask her out for coffee!

myfirstandonlylove Fri 04-Dec-15 20:28:37

I have indeed been friendly,well work friendly with this person for some time, that is why I knew about the professional issue. We like some of the same music and talk about it sometimes. So hopefully the CD was not too out of the blue. And this person also gave me a not dissimilar gift a little while ago myself so I guess you could say we communicate like this. I am extremely aware of my own relative emotional immaturity which I hope will one day dissipate and be replaced with something more admirable and more enduring. But sincere thanks to pocketsaviour for your kind words and matilda for yours too.

ChippyOik Fri 04-Dec-15 20:40:27

I think you could over whelm her right now.

Can you focus on showing that you are insouciant, content with your life and comfortable in your skin.

ChippyOik Fri 04-Dec-15 20:44:10

I think a long lunch is very non threatening by the way....

If a male friend suggested a long lunch maybe to celebrate something good that happened to you... that makes it seem less intense like there are lots of good things in your life.

myfirstandonlylove Fri 04-Dec-15 21:15:55

Chippy I think a long lunch sounds a lovely thought which I will certainly look into. I have practically got a loyalty card to a certain moderately well known metropolitan restaurant as I spent most of the late 1990s sipping prosecco there. If Olympic medals were handed out for being sexually unthreatening I would be Jesse Owens, Steve Redgrave and Jessica Ennis-Hill combined..seriously there are Benedictine monks on Hokkaido Island with raunchier sex lives than me..but now that the errm somewhat older gay man who manages the place has stopped asking me when I am going to come out and if he can give me a massage yes I may just invite her there..

HPsauciness Fri 04-Dec-15 21:26:53

I would be extremely worried about someone who had fallen in love with me from afar without being in a relationship with me, it is almost destined to fail because you don't say anything about getting any vibes or interest back- I think you need to be looking for signs of interest from her, plus I also think you need to stop with the 'I love her with every fibre of my being' as that's completely daft, you are projecting love onto her and it's not that nice being someone's unrequited love object!

If you see signs of interest on her part, you know/think she's single and so forth, then ask her out, otherwise all you have is infatuation (not love).

ChippyOik Fri 04-Dec-15 23:06:39

yes, from your perspective, if you go out to lunch and start opening up to each other, keep it light, like, you'd like to get to know her better. Make it clear you understand you're only in the process of getting to know each other.

Could you ramp it up a bit, start wearing carpenter jeans, timberland boots?! I'm joking. 90% joking, no really, 20% joking wink Make it clear that you're not gay. I haven't seen you but I've just been reading a really interesting american guy on line (evan katz) and he says that even if we're unique, our situation isn't unique. Ouch. He also said that we all have blind spots. I'm sure that's true. I know you didn't ask for the older gay man to find you attractive but it's not that encouraging!! What is your blind spot. Why do people assume you're gay? (I remember your other thread and posted on it).

I hear you with the monk thing. I'm going to have to be a nun.

myfirstandonlylove Sat 05-Dec-15 00:04:48

I have heard about Evan Katz. I will read some of his stuff at some point. The gay thing started due to me being self conscious about some relatively moderate teenage acne which left no marks on my face but lots on my self esteem. I looked for my good features which are long eyelashes full lips and a pert derriere.Then I started to play them up a bit and even sometimes have borrowed my sister's mascara plus wear seriously tight fitting jeans. So frankly what the hell do I expect. Anyway thanks for all your words whatever their hue. I have a hangover the size of the great wall of China following a visit from an old friend so time for bed.

OhYesToYestyn Sat 05-Dec-15 01:47:36

so may she think that you are a gay colleague who she swaps CDs with? Just ask you to shar coffee or lunch, and don't wear confusing clothes ha, and she may cotton on that you are an interested straight guy. THEN you'll see by her reaction - a new flicker of interest, or otherwise trying to shortne the lunch!

OhYesToYestyn Sat 05-Dec-15 01:48:18

'ask her to share' obviously!

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