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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why do men do this?!

28 replies

changeoflife · 04/12/2015 07:14

This has been done to death, I realise that but I need to vent....

Chatting to a seemingly nice man from an online dating site. Seems genuine, nothing to suggest anything untoward, all his details seem to add up. Arranged to meet tonight for a first date. He messaged yesterday to say he had to cancel (due to health reasons, he has a health issue which is something he has to live with). I am fine with this as realise life isn't always predictable.... He is really keen to set something up for next week, if I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I reply, a nice message, saying no problem at all, these things happen - these are the days I'm around next week and can sort childcare.

Nothing. Not even the decency to say thanks for being understanding. Just nothing.

What pisses me off is that I didn't put any pressure on him to arrange a date... He cancelled and in that same message, said he really hoped I wouldn't judge him for cancelling, he would understood if I did, but he really hoped I would give him the benefit of the doubt and rearrange something for next week.

Why do that?? Why not just cancel and leave it at that. I'm an intelligent woman, I would have got that he wasn't that into me, and left it at that. Why ask me to set up an alternative date and then just disappear?

He was on Whatsapp last night, as it gives you the date & time. He read my message within a few minutes of me sending it late afternoon.

I just don't get men. Its not like we are children - both mid-40's. Why play these games at our age? It seems men are insistent that they want honesty etc in a relationship but are unwilling to treat others how they want to be treated themselves.

I'm not going to be sobbing into my coffee this morning - I realise he is not worth it. It just pisses me off no end!

End of rant......

OP posts:

Report

IrishDad79 · 04/12/2015 07:21

How many men have done this to you, op?

Optimist1 · 04/12/2015 07:25

Sadly I think there are probably women who employ these tactics, too. Not that I can explain the rationale behind it, though!

Whythehellnot · 04/12/2015 07:51

I don't think it's a tactic. People just change their mind! I've done it myself.

Sometimes it's genuine, sometimes it's an excuse, or they might have met someone else.

What I don't do any more is spend ages chatting. I don't even give my number out because some men would message on whatsapp day and night. It's a complete waste of time.

TooSassy · 04/12/2015 07:58

changeoflife people just do. For tons of reasons.

Next time it happens, your reply should be along the lines of no worries. Ping me if you want to try and rearrange otherwise feel better. You come across as light and breezy and you haven't put yourself out there again.

It's not a game per se, but make the other person work for it. He cancelled. Make him be the one to get in touch and try and rearrange. Make him do the work. (By the way this works both ways. If I cancelled on someone and wanted to see them, it's on me to send the man a message and say. So sorry, please give me some dates that work for you so we can rearrange).

wowis · 04/12/2015 08:50

I really do hear you op.I did internet dating and the amount of times I thought 'why the fuck can't people just be honest and adult about things?!
Even if you've met up and youre not their cup of tea just say! With anyone I met and didnt want to see again id messge them saying was lovely to meet you but just wasn't quite right for me etc.
It gets very frustrating and de motivating.
For me though it was 100 percent worth it. The good ones are out there you just need to wade through the dickheads to find them.
xx

velvety55 · 04/12/2015 09:08

Many married guys use online dating, pretend to be separated or single, set up a date, then cancel due to family commitment, cold feet, etc. This could be what happened.

bodenbiscuit · 04/12/2015 09:09

There are a surprising number of people on OD who are not what they say.

Threefishys · 04/12/2015 10:16

I've done it myself to a guy I've been chatting to for a year in a friendly way. I've also been with my DP for a year. Dp knows I still chat to this guy. He's asked to meet me several times and I always lead him to believe its imminent - why? Because I suppose he is my safety net. Now I've done it one too many times and He's (rightly) stopped talking to me. The truth is I'm not too fussed - unless I find myself at a loose end /split with Dp. So both sexes do it its not exclusive to men, its not even game playing its brass neck I suppose if anything. That's OLD .

changeoflife · 04/12/2015 11:03

irishdad, more than I care to actually think about. Perhaps not exactly the same circumstances but shoddy behaviour towards someone who has shown respect & integrity nonetheless. I'm not arude person and I find this behaviour rude.

OP posts:

bodenbiscuit · 04/12/2015 11:11

Just because a lot of people do it, does not mean it's a decent way to behave though.

Threefishys · 04/12/2015 11:19

Its rude yes but if he has no intentions on seeing you then why would he be overly bothered about being courteous? Not everyone has the same standards of manners and you'd do best to accept that a stranger might not have your best interests at heart. Saves a lot of upset.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 04/12/2015 11:21

threefishys Totally bizarre behaviour. You've been with your Partner for 1 year, and all the while messaging a stranger so that you have a safety net?? That is disgraceful.

OP, this guy is either married, or you are one of many balls (women) he is juggling. Trust me, drop him and move on.

Threefishys · 04/12/2015 11:31

It is what it is. People ask for honesty and then they don't like it. Probably why men are cagey?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 04/12/2015 11:37

If you are messaging other men, your relationship isn't what it should be. So move on. Be a decent person. Simples.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2015 11:37

its not even game playing its brass neck I suppose if anything.

That's not how I'd describe it.

Preciousxbane · 04/12/2015 11:41

I agree with the possibility of a married man.

However I am shocking at replying to texts straight away so do they ever just take a couple of days? Though if people ask for my number I always tell them this and they need to ring my landline.

I would imagine that many people would not want the truth though. My friend did OD and went on a couple of dates and then the bloke announced he had met someone else who was basically just more what he wanted and she had been okay for the time being while he looked around for something better! That was cold but not untrue in his eyes.

Looked autocorrected to poked which sums it up.

Threefishys · 04/12/2015 11:42

Maybe. That's really not what this particular thread is about though so we'll agree to differ. Back to OP. As has been said before, minimal messaging before meeting - and an appropriate amount after and no expectations = no disappointment. Not particularly romantic but pragmatism has a place too as does letting him chase you for longer than a day or two.

Threefishys · 04/12/2015 11:44

I also suspect you may here from him when he knows what day he has free.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/12/2015 12:05

Probably wanted you to express heartbroken disappointment that you wouldn't be able to worship his peen as arranged. Men like that live to be flattered and chased.

changeoflife · 04/12/2015 12:34

I accept that he may have been trying to sort something out. I agree he didn't need to reply immediately. However my message showed concern for his health and I would have thought a simple acknowledgement of that might have been in order.

I wasn't expecting anything more than what it was. I'm not even particularly bothered that he cancelled. I agree either married and playing games or not interested. Either way I won't lose any sleep over it, was just frustrated when he didn't reply at all when he was clearly online. He obviously has more of a life than I do!!

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 04/12/2015 12:47

worship his peen lol.

SecretLocker · 04/12/2015 13:27

It's all too familiar. I've had this a few times and my cynical mind wonders if it's always the same man local to me(!) You hear so much about 'catfishing' and fake accounts these days.
Was his name 'Jon' by any chance?

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changeoflife · 04/12/2015 17:25

No secretlocker it wasn't.

I sent him a message saying all he needed to do was be honest. He'd asked me to do that, so surely I deserved the same. He replied immediately I might add, with the most abusive message I've ever read. Totally uncalled for and totally out of order & proportion. A lucky escape for me!!! Don't think I've ever been called a c**t before in my life!!

I hadn't over invested at all. I'm old enough and wise enough to chalk to down to experience and move on. Some people are just not very nice!!

OP posts:

OhYesToYestyn · 05/12/2015 11:59

what?? I'm speechless - and that's to a person who was sympathetic, reasonable and concerned about his health!

changeoflife · 05/12/2015 15:04

I know ohyes, I was shocked. I actually wondered if it was meant for me, it was so unwarranted! Some people really are just nasty and thank God he did cancel because there is no way I want someone like that in mine or my children's lives!

OP posts:

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