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Do most longer relationships deteriorate?

(15 Posts)
Snowglobe18 Thu 03-Dec-15 21:21:59

I won't be able to check any responses until tomorrow, but I'd appreciate anyone wanting to share.

How is your experience of the state of a relationship that's ten/twelve years old?

I ask because today is a significant wedding anniversary for me, and neither of us has really acknowledged it. We know what day it is, that's it. Up until now we've made a token effort but I just can't be bothered. I'm in the relationship because we both want to be here to parent our children. The only thing it has going for it beyond that is nostalgia.

What's normal? Thanks.

Blushingm Thu 03-Dec-15 21:24:34

I don't know but we are pretty much the same

Shodan Thu 03-Dec-15 22:36:25

There will be those whose relationships are strong and loving still, there will be those whose relationships are floundering on the rocks and then there will be all levels in between. All are 'normal', I'd say, because it depends on the individuals.

For my own- sometimes I think longingly of divorce, a cottage of my own with no smelly snoring males, no huge meals to cook... and other times I love my husband to bits. We've both forgotten anniversaries, but it doesn't matter-^to us^. There are 'dry' periods (no sex for a few weeks, a lack of 'connection') and then there are stretches of time when we click again. There have also been times when I've felt no physical attraction for him-and then it's come back.

But throughout it all, we've talked. Whatever has cropped up, we've talked about it. We still laugh like drains with each other. And recently, when I was going through a bad patch, the one person I wanted to be with, to have around, was him. And those are the times I work hard to remember when we're having a down period.

I don't know if that helps-only you know whether your relationship is over, or just having a lull.

Patchworkrainbow123 Fri 04-Dec-15 00:08:26

Our relationship has changed. It's not better or worse just different.

Canyouforgiveher Fri 04-Dec-15 00:30:19

23 years together. We often forget anniversaries. there have also been a few spectacular birthday fails along the way. I don't count those things.

We are happy together, like being together, enjoy each other's company, have a similar sense of humour, share the same values/goals, trust each other completely.

I will say that having children makes it very very hard. At the 12 year stage, we were both a bit exhausted, not a whole lot of money, constant on for the kids - made it hard to really connect. Now we have teens and we have more money and the hands on stuff is not that hard (now that I've discovered books on cd so the incessant driving isn't so bad) but the worries are bigger and all-consuming - still hard.

I really wouldn't judge the state of your relationship by acknowledging an anniversary. But if you are not talking ever, if you don't look forward to a half hour alone with him, etc then maybe try to start reconnecting if you can.

My advice on this is to start thinking positively about your partner wherever possible (as in say "please don't give coke to ds before bed, he goes loopy and I'll leave you to deal with it" but try not to think "you stupid fucker why are you deliberately giving sugar to our son just to make my life hard". There is a difference and at the stage of our marriage you are at now, adjusting this mindset helped me and dh enormously.

Also around the stage, I decided to prioritise sex. I figured it was the only thing that was exclusive to us so therefore it was important. I also felt very close to my partner for a good while after sex and he was the same so it was a pretty enjoyable way to create an intimacy. I'm not talking about twice a day here but more being open to the idea when it presented

All of this advice is based on the idea that you are married to a good decent man. If you are not, none of this applies.

AlwaysBeYourself Fri 04-Dec-15 02:01:29

Have never missed our anniversary. To us they are a special day and my DH always takes me to the restaurant where we used to go when we were courting. We do cards and presents too. Birthdays and Christmas are big deals to us as well. We have been together 31 years and married for 29.

Preciousxbane Fri 04-Dec-15 03:30:20

We have never been arsed with Anniversaries and neither of us is very sentimental.

We have been together 20 years next year and while we are not at it hammer and tongs nor tripping the light fantastic like we used to and it's more hot chocolate and slippers now I love DH more than ever. I agree with a poster above that it is just different long term. The good thing we have is we are not bored of each other, we have been called natural eccentrics and odd by people. The only people weird enough for each other to quote a Friend, we do just fit together well.

Sounds like you need to start talking to each other.

LionHeartedWoman Fri 04-Dec-15 07:45:07

I'm in the relationship because we both want to be here to parent our children. The only thing it has going for it beyond that is nostalgia....You don't need to be in a relationship with each other to parent your children.

Are you happy in yourself? Do you feel adequately cared for, respected and listened to within your relationship? Do you feel that you and your partner are a couple/a team? Do you choose to spend time together?

Joysmum Fri 04-Dec-15 07:59:44

I'm not interest in 'normal for others' and 'most other relationships'. I'm only interested in my own!

Ours is good because we make the effort to appreciate each other everyday.

Anniversaries are always celebrated expensively, but they are remembered and nothing beats looking into each other's eyes and expressing the love and gratitude you have for each other.

I feel sorry for those who don't bother to make a little effort to keep their relationships strong and fresh.

Joysmum Fri 04-Dec-15 09:11:27

not always celebrated expensively blush

Marilynsbigsister Fri 04-Dec-15 09:47:06

Second marriage 11 yrs in. Adore him as he does me. Many children but crucially none together. Mine were quite mature before before we got together. His only around EOW. Children are the best thing in the world but a hand- grenade in a relationship. Not having that has made it all so much easier. Now everyone is older we are even more focussed on making each other happy and planning our lives ahead.

Drew64 Fri 04-Dec-15 10:59:47

Do most longer relationships deteriorate?

Quite the opposite, even after 17yrs of marriage

ouryve Fri 04-Dec-15 11:08:30

I divorced my ex after 10 years of unhappy marriage. It had been shit for a long time, though.

Been with dh for as long, now. We have definite ups and downs, which is not unexpected given that we have 2 kids with sn but the overall trend is not down.

Snowglobe18 Fri 04-Dec-15 11:08:55

Thanks guys, food for thought here, much appreciated x

Jan45 Fri 04-Dec-15 12:09:34

14 years and still very good and considerate towards each other - I couldn't stay in a loveless relationship, regardless of children, there's always a way out.

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