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I think she going to leave for her ex

(440 Posts)
pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 17:43:09

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 03-Dec-15 17:51:28

Help her pack. She treating you terribly.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 17:55:12

Christ, don't be a mug.

She is already sleeping with him. She knows what she is going to lose and is doing it anyway.

Tell her to leave.

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:07:25

they are definitely not sleeping together, i know that as he lives 2.5 hours away, but she was texting him

i know i should tell here to leave, i have said if she wants to go i want her to ASAP but shes adamant that she doesnt want to go til after christmas, which is odd as the kids will be with him and it will be us on our own for a week!?

Sansoora Thu 03-Dec-15 18:10:24

Dear God, please summon up the strength to let her go and dont let the door hit her on the arse on her way out!

ChippyOik Thu 03-Dec-15 18:11:02

Well, if she wanted to leave would you accept that?

I am not defending her for texting her X, she shouldn't do that, but if she is detaching herself from the relationship is that because she has nowhere to go and no money when she gets there?

If she did tell you, you're right, I'm detached, we need to split up, would you support that or would you fight that ?

Your generalisation about women, "women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together'' is kind of an odd thing to say. Has this happened to you more than once? And if so, did you accept it then? Or did you fight it?

Basically if I were you I'd ask her if she wants to split up with you and if the answer is yes, then I'd advise you to accept that and help with the practicalities.

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:21:55

the trouble is shes threatened it before, wanting me to go, but after a few days/weeks shes back to normal. but never said she was going to go back to where he lives.

this time shes told her son that they are going to live with daddy but to keep it a secret, who does that.

to answer your question, yeah unfortunately a previous partner had an affair for months behind my back and detached from the relationship completely before leaving, i accepted it, it hurt, but i knew we were finished.

she says she wants to split up, but acts normal, sleeping in our bed, for the time being at least (we have spare beds in the house) so its pretty mixed signals, i'm going to assume we are splitting up and when the time comes of course i'll do what i can to make it easier for the kids, but i dont even have a rough date, just 'after christmas'

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 18:33:04

Why are you letting her dictate the time scale here ?

If she says her relationship with you is at an end then she is simply waiting until she can hop from your bed to his

Why should you facilitate that ? And if it "fizzles out" and she stays put you will know you are nothing more than second best

Her involving the kids in unforgiveable, tbh

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:37:08

i guess i'm too soft, my sister certainly thinks so!

when her son told me it broke my heart, i was so annoyed that she would do that but didn't want to say he had told me, i don't want to break his trust.

spanisharmada Thu 03-Dec-15 18:38:44

I'd assume the bit about waiting til after Christmas to be his idea rather than hers to be honest.
'lets just wait and see' doesn't exactly sound keen.

TempusEedjit Thu 03-Dec-15 18:40:48

Looking at the age of her youngest DC and how long you've been together do you think you may have been a rebound relationship?

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 18:40:57

Neither of you should be putting this little boy in the position of being "middle man".

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:48:50

i didnt ask him, he told me he was going to miss me and i asked him why, i didnt pry any more than that, it wouldnt be fair on him

rebound? yeah quite possibly, she said they weren't happy for a long time, but she wanted another child as she was approaching 40, we met when she was down this way for a concert and started talking, texting and eventually she moved in, so yeah it was pretty quick.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 18:50:43

But now you are keeping his "secret". He shouldn't be in that position.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 18:53:17

Anyway, sorry, that isn't the biggest issue here

If my H told me he wanted to be elsewhere... elsewhere he would be

And if elsewhere wasn't quite ready to receive him yet, I would not consider that to be my problem. If this is about stability for the kids, tell her to fuck off and leave them with you in their own home.

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:53:26

i know, but its difficult, i assume you think i should tell her that hes said it all be it accidentally?

Lweji Thu 03-Dec-15 18:54:34

It sounds like she's edging her bets and he sounds non-committal, but do you want this type of relationship? Are you that afraid of being alone?

AnyFucker Thu 03-Dec-15 18:56:05

Cross posted. I would tell her, yes. Because now the little lad is involved in grown up stuff he shouldn't be. She was totally out of order there.

We all have the right to end a relationship for any reason we deem fit. She is, however, taking the piss and it looks like you are letting her.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 03-Dec-15 18:56:35

Her child is 3 and you've been together 3 years? Were you the rebound do you think? 1 year from meeting to marriage when you both have kids was surprisingly fast and it seems she's not over him. Sad but you have to let her go.

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 18:56:39

i don't get why she cant go when the school closes for christmas. my sis said i should give her that ultimatum, thats a few weeks to sort stuff out then bye, but like i said i'm a soft touch and i really love those kids sad

ijustwannadance Thu 03-Dec-15 18:56:54

Does seem odd that ex's reply wasn't along the lines of "can't wait blah blah" rather than "lets wait and see". Sounds like he is non committal and fobbing her off.

Maybe it's him that said lets wait until after xmas to see if she changes her mind.

You really need to tell her to go. Her heart is clearly not in your relationship so I would get out and find someone who actually wants to be with you. Why be someones back up? Second choice?

pocketsaviour Thu 03-Dec-15 18:57:23

I think you have to tell her that you know. I think you should avoid saying her son told you if you can, because I would be concerned that she would punish him.

What is the housing situation? Do you rent or jointly own?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 03-Dec-15 18:57:53

Is her ex in a relationship?

Me and my now husband split up for over two years when my eldest was one. I ended it. He rushed into another relationship and moved in with her really quickly. He continued to text me for most of the time we were apart saying he only loved me, no one would replace me. Id reply wait and see how things go with x. What I meant was, I did maybe want him back in the future but not at that moment as I was having too much fun.

I think either her ex isn't interested and it's just placating her because he doesn't know how to tell her he doesn't feel the same as he cares for her feeling. Or, he's planning on getting back with her in the future but not right now.

If he wanted her back right now, shed be gone. Sorry. You are her second option, I think. She will stay with you till/when her ex what's her back.

I'd tell her she's to go now.

ijustwannadance Thu 03-Dec-15 19:01:19

So after leaving the father of her 2vkids and marrying you very quickly, will she now take half of your assets?

pirate13 Thu 03-Dec-15 19:02:33

we rent, so its not going to be too bad her leaving, at least thats one good thing!

hes not in a relationship, hasnt had one since she left him

i think your all right.
its time to let her go, i'm going to have a go at talking tonight when she gets home form work, wish me luck!

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