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MIL and H

(12 Posts)
schlong Thu 03-Dec-15 08:50:43

I have a flu ridden 5yo and a 1 yo to look after so apologies if I'm brief and to the point. My H was basically cut off by his M 3 years ago after he asked about his real father(he'd been brought up by a step father who he believed was his real father til he was 14). She implied she'd been raped but then backtracked and denied ever having said it. She has history of this and was routinely nasty to me then would deny it etc. When he queried her on this point again she said she wished she'd had an abortion and he'd never been born and hung up on him. Fast forward 3 years to his bday on Saturday and out of the blue she texts him saying simply happy birthday my treasure.a kiss to your children. (Since being NC with her we've had a DD that she must have found out about. We live same city but far apart.). There's too much to go into here but before he'd summoned the courage (at 36!) to ask her about his real dad I'd already decided to go NC after she treated me horrendously when pregnant and after the indifference to our son was made blatant. (ILs have two other GC by their biological daughter who my H is NC with and their treatment of the "real" grandkids was markedly more favorable).

Sorry kids woken..H went slightly ape after receiving the text and was aggressive to our DS and is now withdrawn and sullen. He has a history of depression which he ascribes to his upbringing. His stepfather was always distant and unaffectionate with him and H had to maintain the fiction he was his real father. He didn't reply to her text but has taken it out on us. Any advice? I apologize if I can't reply promptly. He's utterly blocked and unassertive with his family of origin.

To be clear she is a Catholic Italian who got pregnant with him at 18,was kicked out by her father and had to turn to the church for help so probably had to imply she was forced to have sex. My H's uncle - who knew the man - said it was her bf. The rape insinuation was thrown in casually by her my H told me at the end of their conversation about his biological father.

I'm asking for advice on how to deal with H's mental fall out after this text. Why did she send it? Why didn't he reply and bottle up his anger only to project it onto our son?

April2013 Thu 03-Dec-15 09:15:24

She is obviously a total nightmare and should be blocked etc, she shouldnt be able to send any more texts, is there a way to find the identity of his father through other channels? I think you need to explain to him that you understand this is very upsetting but he must not repeat her behaviour and take this out on your children and should he get help for this? Sounds like he could do with counselling about his mother and unknown father, especially if he is keen to find out about his biological father which may or may not end well. He needs to get to a position where his family can't damage him as much and I think counselling would help with that, he needs to learn to feel he can look after himself in a way they should have done but didn't. How aggressive was he? I guess the strength of your response to him depends on how bad his behaviour was. Hope they get well soon x

schlong Thu 03-Dec-15 09:59:00

He states he wants help but won't make that call. He absolutely disbelieves her insinuation she was raped but she placed that seed of doubt in his head then walked away. He refuses to acknowledge how abusive this is as has been conditioned to see her as the arch victim. He was very aggressive to our DS. Our boy was dashing round his room making it tricky to dress him so H basically grabbed him and bit his sleeve in a deranged way. He left teeth marks in the fabric but didn't bite the skin. He then mouthed to our son to fuck off. And showed him both middle fingers. I'm still apoplectic with him and it's a deal breaker. He replied vicariously to his M via our son. It was HER he should've told to fuck off. I'm livid still and so upset. He's very impatient with our son at the best of times.

I'm thinking separation tbh as he will not face up to those demons. He expresses disinterest in finding his real dad. I said I'd help him.

His M told him in a pizzeria when he was 14 that his step father wasn't his biological father but to carry on as before and pretend he was. At no point did his SF have a conversation with him. They actually bumped into each other in a supermarket a few weeks ago and blanked each other. Wtf. I cannot broach these issues with H easily as he shuts down and minimizes. Only to take it out on our son or me.

I posted on another thread fuck the ILs but if they impact on you relationship it's impossible. I'm at a loss.

Fatherwishmas Thu 03-Dec-15 12:34:08

This bit jumped out me; I'm thinking separation tbh as he will not face up to those demons. He expresses disinterest in finding his real dad. I said I'd help him.

Why do think that him finding his real Dad will fix things?

schlong Thu 03-Dec-15 12:58:40

Err I don't. I think him being able to articulate the hurt and pain he's suffered (to his M?)will help to fix things instead of sublimating and shutting down only to blow up at DS. I offered to help him trace his real dad after he'd expressed an interest in doing so. He later backtracked and has lapsed into disinterest.

April2013 Thu 03-Dec-15 16:52:30

It sounds like either separation or he gets counselling, I hope he makes that call OP, is there anyone you can talk to about this so that you get some support? A health visitor or GP?

April2013 Thu 03-Dec-15 16:59:23

I think the main issue here is how he is treating your son, not his issues with his family, perhaps that is where you should focus, it sounds very worrying and if I was you I might have already left or kicked him out if he wasn't totally remorseful and committed to fixing it, but even then I don't think I'd be leaving him unattended with him.

SSargassoSea Thu 03-Dec-15 17:09:21

I'm not sure that speaking to DM will get him anywhere or make him feel better but speaking and opening up to a counsellor might help.

That would be first step I think but he is being awful to his DS - repeating history. And will damage his son too.

pocketsaviour Thu 03-Dec-15 19:16:52

He has taken out his feelings on your and /or DS because that's what he's been taught to do all his life - mother's feelings must be protected at all costs, she is the victim, so turn that anger and pain inwards like a good son.

Toxic In-Laws might be a good read for you, but ultimately you may have to give him the ultimatum of seeking counselling for himself to work through things, or you and DS are off. Your instinct to protect your DS is spot on. As long as your H leaves this childhood wound unresolved, he is in danger of repeating history with his own children.

Leelu6 Thu 03-Dec-15 19:43:26

I can't imagine how upsetting that must be to your son. I hope that at 5 he didn't understand the mouthed words and obscene gesture but he would have understood the aggression.

Has your H acknowledged what an awful thing he did?

Cabrinha Thu 03-Dec-15 19:55:51


I wouldn't bother reading books about toxic in laws. I'd just get you and your kids the hell away from the nasty bully angry

schlong Thu 03-Dec-15 21:12:30

He bit his sleeve cabrinha If he'd bitten his skin I wouldn't still be sharing a living space with him. He's now in sheepish mode. Our DS has the flu and H seems chastened. I live in Italy - H is Italian so no health visitors or enlightened GPs here to turn .

She's trained him so well not to react to her bullshit I'm fighting a losing battle. DS will not be his scape goat for the fact he can't stand up to his M.

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