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How can I leave respectfully?

(15 Posts)
Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 17:30:27

I've been with DP for a long time. 21 now. We have a home together (in his name so no ties to that), and I'm really in love with him. He is the same with me. Everything about the relationship is great, apart from our different life goals.

I've just got through my second miscarriage both parties weren't planning a baby so both pregnancies weren't planned. Of course, irresponsible for both parties, but I wanted those babies 100% and I mourn them. DP admits he was slightly emotional about the second and doesn't really see the pregnancies as babies.

I've known for a long time that he wanted different things from me. He's adamant he wants to travel, for a good year or 2 but not for another few years yet because he wants to save. I'll admit that I never really adored the idea, but supported it somewhat because although I wanted to settle down and have a family relatively young, I was prepared to put these feelings on the back burner until he was ready, I love him.

I think things have changed for both of us now, though. I really want to try again, I'm happy in my job and would be really gutted to leave it in time to do what he wants, although I support his decision. He doesn't want children now and it's out of the question until very late 20's/30's.

What do I do, Mumsnet? I love him heart and sole but I'm thinking I should leave and set myself free from disappointed at my expense, all in the name of seeing him happy. Of course, I respect his wishes to see the world, there's no resentment there at all on my part.

I know if I spoke to him about this openly and worded it as if he didn't go, I'd stay, that he'd stay because he loves me and wants to see me happy. But, I can't do this to him. I want him to be happy and live his life like he planned to, and should do. Even if it means living it without me.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Dec-15 17:37:36

Just to be clear, you are both 21 years old, not 21 years together, right?

If you've been together a long time, you started dating in your mid teens?

People change an incredible amount between 14 and 24. It is therefore very unusual for any of us to be with the same person at 16 as 21 because we ourselves are not the same people. We grow up.

I think you are right. Cut him loose or he will resent you forever and vice versa.

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 17:38:45

Run haha no not 21 years. We've been together since 19 so not a very long time

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 17:41:52

To me it's like loosing a big part of myself. I just don't know what to do sad

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Dec-15 17:44:47

I think one of the biggest responsibilities we have as adults is to aim to have children that are wanted by both the mother and the father. That means taking full responsibility for contraception and not fooling another person into parenthood.

You've twenty years or more to have children and you will never have those childfree, carefree years again. Why rush it? Most men that age are a couple of years behind women in terms of their maturity; it's very unlikely you'll have a responsible man of 21 who is dying to have children this minute. He is behaving as a very typical man of his age - don't rush him into something he's not ready for.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Dec-15 17:46:14

Just tell him that you want different things from life than him. Neither of you are wrong. Their is nothing wrong with what either of you want. For you to each find a matching partner, you will have to first stop being with each other.

I had a boyfriend who was like you when I was a little younger than you. I am like your BF. We broke up.

He eventually got his young family, in the home town near his mum with a like minded woman and continued in his nice job that suited him just fine. I moved to London via New York and other exotic places, built a full on corporate career, had DC in my late 30s.

Ultimately we both got our perfect lives. It would never have happened together.

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 17:48:13

Imperial I'm not, that's why I'm thinking of leaving, despite my love for him.

I'm not rushing, I'm doing what I really want to do, which is most important. My interests in life are completely different to his. Not to mention loosing children makes you hope for another anyway. Why do you think the only way a lot of people cope with pregnancy loss is trying again?

Akire Wed 02-Dec-15 17:50:05

what was his reaction when you got pregnant twice accidentally? What if it happens ago? Would he stick by you or would he still go traveling etc

I agree no rush at this minute what are your plans? What sort of job are you after? Even if you did have baby now and stayed home till it was 14 you would still have a 35y working life ahead of you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Dec-15 17:50:56

FFS. I cannot do none grammar tonight. Neither of you is wrong. There is nothing wrong with what either of you want

Oh, and, yes, sort out your contraception. If you are not responsible enough to manage that properly you are probably not responsible enough to be a mum yet.

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 17:53:16

Run I was on the pill first time round, I fell pregnant because of a vomiting issue. Second time round, I wanted another baby and because he knew I wasn't using anything and either was he, we both went with the flow. He was fine about both pregnancies but gutted about future prospects.

I have a coil fitted, so little chance of anything happening again.

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 19:04:49


toffeeboffin Wed 02-Dec-15 19:10:40

OK - I thought you'd been together 21 years too!

You're only 21?!

Leave him. He's on a different page to you, life is too short and you are so young!

Jw35 Wed 02-Dec-15 20:29:30

Wait! Don't leave yet!

You are 21 and had 2 miscarriages. That's hard and you are probably feeling emotional right now.

If you leave him it could still be some years before you find the right man to have children with. You love your partner. You want different things at the moment but he's not going travelling anytime soon and at 21 you could wait at least a year or 2 before having a baby.

Give everything at least 6 months. Don't even talk about babies for a while just enjoy being with the person you love. If you still feel the same in 6 months have another think about it all.

2 years together is nothing, even though at 21 it feels like forever!

Ohokay Wed 02-Dec-15 21:00:26

Jw35 thank you for your post, I'm taking your advice on board smile

Congrats on your 5 week pregnancy thanks

Littlef00t Wed 02-Dec-15 21:35:12

Hmmm, I guess it depends how desperately you want children now. I had my first at 27 and do regret not doing more travelling and things while I had the chance.

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