I am NC with PIL for what I believe to be a completely valid reason. DH supports it, and although they have said to him that I am invited to dinner etc (They don't want NC and have said that they wish to make amends) I don't want this.
There has been a couple of occasions where he has forgotten to do something and it falls to me to pick up the slack- buy a birthday card for MIL and get DS2 to call MIL on his birthday. I had to get the card (which made me sick) and when DS2 gets home from school I have to call MIL as DH will be working late. I have said I will do this, but can he remember these things in future. He flipped. Told me I don't have to speak to her- just press the buttons and let DS2 speak. That it was unfair on him, he was going through a living hell, he is in an awful position.
I don't want to be accused of dripfeeding but this isn't AIBU so I will explain why I am NC but please do not tell me IABU.
My brother had a heart attack a few months ago. It was late at night and my DH and DM drove to his house (2 hours away). DH called his mum and asked her to come up in the morning to look after DSs so that I could go to be my DB. I then texted her and asked her to give me a call when they were en route (45 mins away) so that I could be ready to go. I didn't hear back but it was late, and to be honest there was no need to respond to that. But perhaps a 'OK, I am sorry to hear about DB. I hope he is OK' or something.
Anyway, sadly my DB didn't make it. It was and still is a huge shock. We were very close and he was a wonderful, incredible guy. My DH called his mum to tell her, and I am unsure of the conversation but she knew. All I know is that she asked us to make sure we came back the following day as she had to pick up here other GKs from school. The next morning I get a reply to my text- "ok". Nothing else.
So they turn up, and say hi but nothing else. We leave pretty soon after (DH had travelled back during the early hours so that I wasn't alone). That night I called to see how the DS's were and she waffled (as she does). Again, didn't ask/say anything relating to my DB or DSIL, DN or DM.
The following day we came home, DM with us. As soon as we walked through the door MIL sprung up and ran to us telling us how DS2 soiled his pants and said I would be angry with him. That was it. We went into the house, sat at the table with them- they were playing a game with DS1- and said nothing. DM made a drink, MIL stayed at the table with DS1 and FIL and they said NOTHING.
They made excuses and went soon after. DM and I were upset, DH was livid. We heard nothing for days and then DH decided to call them. Their reasons were- they didn't want to say anything in front of DS1 (We hadn't told him). So - no text, no call, no cursory touch of a hand, nothing when she ran to the door and DSs were out of earshot, no card?
She didn't think they had to get a card- these people send EASTER cards.
They didn't know what to say- So saying nothing is better?
We didn't say anything so they felt uncomfortable- I don't even know what to say to that.
They didn't call to find out how DS1 was when we told him (DS2 is too young), or to find out how his party went (4 days after. DH asked if they would come up and help out with it and they said they didn't want to be in the way...).
Since this happened they spoke to people about how they will never see they DG again (that was never ever said, much less implied) and they were on the phone straight away to their DD who then told her husband who in turn sent a barrage of abusive texts to DH and then to me. They know we are NC with their daughter and her husband.
About a month ago they spoke to him about how they regret what they did, "but its too late now". And he agrees. So its too late to do anything so I should just ignore it happened and move on? These people are supposed to support me at the very least but also support their son who had lost a great friend. They wish things were different. So DH tells me, and I am struggling hugely with this. They also said they want to get me a Christmas present (strange how there was no birthday present...) but don't want to get it thrown back in their face so could he check with me first. So I will be the bitch if I don't want to accept their olive branch?
So now.
I had to get MIL a birthday card. A bit rich, considering the lack of a condolence card. And now I have to get DS2 to call her so she can wish him a happy birthday.
I don't want to but I said I will. I also asked DH to remember to do these things. And he flipped, saying that this is hard on him too, he is in a living hell, he hates this, it is unfair on him. I have done NOTHING wrong. Nothing. Yet I have agreed to do things for him, for them. They turn on the sob story waterworks and he feels for them. He tells me and I tell him that I am not interested. I get the backlash.
This will break us. I know it will. I am completely heartbroken over the loss of my brother, and I don't have the energy to fight for this. I don't see why I should fight for this.
Can anyone help? I just want my DH to leave all talk of his parents at the door. I want him to remember to do things that involves them without my input. He wants an easy life with them even if it means me feeling unhappy.
I am aware of this mammoth message but I am lost, I really am. I just want NC with them and for DH to understand it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am NC with PIL -affecting relationship with DH
peaz · 02/12/2015 10:29
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