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Thinking we're near the end of the road...and not particularly upset

(7 Posts)
Cake0rdeath Tue 01-Dec-15 21:33:40

DH and I are flailing amd it's getting to the stage that I think there's no coming back from it.

Bit of background. DH and I together 10 years, married for 4 and DS born two years ago. Since DS there has been little to no physical intimacy. We've maybe dtd three -four times in the past 3 years. During the pregnancy I had spd and after I had severe pnd so there wasn't much opportunity but DH was still affectionate. I could always get a hug and a hand-hold if needed.
Things have settled down on the home front-we're both really busy with work, DS and I'm at uni studying on top of working FT so we're both shattered. That's fine-I'm not particularly highly sexed and he clearly isn't that bothered as hasn't made any effort at all.
I really just miss the intimacy. He no longer hugs or kisses me-he pisses about on his phone. I'm just as bad as I spend most evenings after work continuing to work or study.
We've spoken about it and he's vowed to make more of an effort but I'm still waiting. I get the distinct impression that he loves me now as the mum of his child and would find someone else if ot wasn't so much effort/mean losing time with DS.

It's horrible to think that we're just floating along, not entirely unhappily, but just more like housemates instead of husband and wife.

I don't want to be ungrateful; he's a good man, loves DS to bits and isn't a total shithead but I can't keep going on like this.

Thing is, if he turned around tomorrow and said that it was over I'd be sad, but I'd just get on with it. We'd be fine, DS would be fine and life would go on. My worry is that we potter on and he strays-I'm not sure he would as he's not the type but it would make a split acrimonious.

As I see it, there are my options:
1) potter on and hope for the best. We're busy, have a young child and are(hopefully) just going through a bad patch. We're not miserable-why rock the boat when it might get better.
2) call it a day and sort things out quickly. It's potentially throwing away a decent relationship because of one (big) thing. There are worst things than no intimacy-i Can always get a hug from DS or my mum.

Suggestions on a postcard.

Blueberrymuffin26 Tue 01-Dec-15 21:44:55

No suggestions, but I feel very similar. We're coasting at the moment, not truly happy, but not unhappy. If my marriage ended, I'd be sad but not devastated. Hoping it's a blip.

All0vertheplace Tue 01-Dec-15 21:45:46

Have you considered Relate?

Cake0rdeath Tue 01-Dec-15 21:57:14

Can counselling help if there's nothing really wrong? We both acknowledge that the lack of intimacy is a problem-what else can they help us with if the issue is so easily identified?
Thanks for the suggestion though-keep em' coming.

Cake0rdeath Tue 01-Dec-15 21:59:17

Sorry to hear you're going through the same blueberry. How long does a blip usually last? We've been in the baby fog for so long it's only just now that I'm thinking that two years goes beyond a blip...

Norest Tue 01-Dec-15 22:29:23

I really think it can take at least until they are at preschool to recover some of where you were before you had them tbh. If you both still love each other, I think it is worth looking for ways to work on it and in time recapture the intimacy.

You say you are still waiting for him to be intimate..but are you also doing anything from your end? Are you sitting waiting for a hug and upset when it doesn't come? If so, why are you not initiating as well?

Norest Tue 01-Dec-15 22:30:49

Also intimacy doesn't have to mean sex, or even physical contact. It can mean having a laugh together, fun, doing stuff together. When was the last time you both sat down and giggled like a pair of muppets around one another? Things like that really bring you closer.

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