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Divorce petition, the next step. I'm frightened.

(18 Posts)
Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 19:34:05

Today my solicitor drew up the divorce petition which will be sent to my STBXH in the new year. She has emailed me a copy, but I haven't reread it yet because I'm so bloody frightened.

Key words - violence so frequent petitioner can't say how many times, PTSD, constant criticism, not allowing petitioner personal development, extremely controlling, petitioner still afraid of him. Well, I'm sure you get the idea. Lots more which I won't go into now and which isn't in the petition, such as repeated infidelities, stuff still being disclosed, stuff I'm just realising - such as repeatedly being raped.

Anyway, we've been apart for 9 months. He's begged to come back, over and over, but I've refused. I've somehow found it in me to find a great job, in an area I love. Very steep learning curve, practically vertical, but I've done it. I wasn't "allowed" to work for 20 years, any attempts were met with threats, violence or sabotage. I've coped with the death of a parent, dealt with all the practicalities alone. I loved this parent very much. There's been more in this year.

But I decided the best revenge is living well and that's been my focus. I've done bloody well. Now, though, it's the next step and I'm afraid. He's going to be furious, hurt (!), raging, humiliated. Oh fuck, in his eyes I'll be the worst person ever. Nothing in the petition is exaggerated or sensational, it's just a spare, minimum statement of fact.

I need, I must, take this next step. Where do I find the courage? Why the fuck can't I be angry at this bastard? He's been a monster to me. Why can't my pathetically small fury outweigh my fear?

I will go through with it. I'm holding off until the new year so everyone's Christmas isn't ruined by his dramas. Why can't I value myself enough to see this is what he's brought on himself?

TheTigerIsOut Tue 01-Dec-15 19:39:43

You can't be angry with him for long because you have taken care of him for such a long time.

Wait until he does something really really awful and then you will see all those protective feeling evaporating and keaving a huge sense of relief instead.

Best of luck.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 01-Dec-15 19:42:45

Read it now!!! Don't have it hanging over you at Christmas. You can do it. You've done the rest. You can do this bit. Go on, do it now!

FinallyHere Tue 01-Dec-15 20:17:24

Whether you would like a {{{hug}}} or a friendly hand on your shoulder, please consider it done.

Your post moved me to tears, how can someone have treated you like that and then turn on the waterworks when its finally all caught up with him. I'm angry on your behalf. PM me, if you would like me to ring you and talk through it with you. Gosh, just reading this has made me really angry on your behalf.

I'm just trying to think, how best to get you in touch with what even a stranger would feel, having heard about this. Could you 'turn on a video camera in your head' and watch what happens next? How he will try out different responses, to try and find the one that keeps you in his thrall. Watching what happens as if it were a film, could that help you? What you you think, if this were a film you were watching? Would you think 'thats not realistic, she would never let him get away with that'?

I soo hope you find what works for you. xx

Followtheyellowsicktoad Tue 01-Dec-15 21:18:48

I've got no sensible advice but I really want to say that you are moving in the right direction, and to get this far means that you are already incredibly brave.


ifyouregoingthroughhell Tue 01-Dec-15 21:32:16

You've been through so much for so many years. You have made the decision not to send this to him until the new year as you want a well deserved, peaceful Christmas.
Having lived with his abuse for years, you must have it in you to put this "in a box "until then. You must have needed to do this in the past, just to get by.
Abusive people always find ways to ruin everyone's Christmas. Don't let him ruin this one.
If you dwell on this, he is still controlling you.
Concentrate on your first Christmas without him, and many more to come.
Good luck, and stay strong. You've done great so far !

mineofuselessinformation Tue 01-Dec-15 21:45:57

'I've done bloody well.'
Yes, you have. Hold this thought to your bosom (!) Reflect on it. Treasure it. Remember all of the shitty times, and how you're not going to tolerate them any more.
Play music that keeps you strong, watch films that make you laugh.
You've got through the worst. The rest, whilst seeming scary, won't be. You just have to keep going.
He can bluster all he likes... It doesn't change things - he's still an arse, and you know it.
Good luck.

Kr1stina Tue 01-Dec-15 21:51:02

How and why are you still in contact with him? Do you have young children together ?

Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 21:51:36

Thank you everyone. I think, as some of you have realised, I've squashed my feelings so much, for so long, I struggle to recognise them. It's probably a way of protecting myself.

I get regular texts about how sorry he is, how wrong he was, how unhappy he is. It's all about him though. When my lovely parent died within days of STBXH walking out to be with OW, I was told " That's not a good enough reason for me to come back.".

I actually didn't want him to come back, but I daren't let him see that then. As usual, I had to hide my real feelings to keep safe. It was a great relief, the OW did me a great favour, I can't thank her enough. Seriously.

Finally, he's tied himself in knots trying to get me back in his thrall, longing for him to "love" me. He killed the love I had, stomped it to death.

It was a bit of a shock, seeing it in black and white today. I partly feel like this experience has made me a "person apart", someone outside the norm and not in a good way.

Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 21:59:48

BTW it didn't work out with OW, which is why he wants to come back.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 01-Dec-15 22:04:45

So you have a good grasp of what's going on - keep reminding yourself of that.

Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 22:05:03

We had no children together, thank god. Still in touch, well because he keeps in touch mostly. I only ever get in touch if it is unavoidable, practical stuff. I also only answer very, very few of his calls and texts.

He hates it, but can't do anything about it.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 01-Dec-15 22:06:03

And, block his number.
Let him direct everything to your solicitor.

Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 22:09:54

mine I do hold it well and truly close to my bosom. Two decades of him telling me I am useless, lazy, unemployable, nothing without him, bad and wrong. But I found a decent job within a few months of him leaving, have koko, while he has plunged into depression and dysfunction.

I guess it was wasn't a great and terrible wizard behind the curtain, (oz reference) just a weak bully.

SassyPasty Tue 01-Dec-15 22:11:42

Please don't be frightened - you are amazing! Any further contact from him can be replied to with 'all communications will be through our solicitor'. If you have children add 'unless specifically and only to arrange contact dates'. Don't be drawn into discussion or blame no matter how he tries to push your buttons or how much you want to defend yourself against blame. It can be done (I have that particular t shirt!) Stay strong flowers

Justdisappointed Tue 01-Dec-15 22:28:47

What an inspiration you are - my goodness, you keep posting; I am awestruck by what you are achieving. You may be frightened Silver but look how strong you are! Stronger than your pathetic bully of an ex that's for sure.

Silversea01 Tue 01-Dec-15 22:31:18

He does try to constantly engage me Sassy, he wants to keep re-hashing things. He is also used to me managing his emotions, can't do it himself. This is something that has only been apparent since he left.

Kr1stina Wed 02-Dec-15 11:03:02

Please block his number . His feelings are not you problem . You don't need this stress in your life

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