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"shes not disabled"

(32 Posts)
Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 17:53:53

So my dd (who is 3) has lots going on. She was released from hospital last Tuesday after an infection, from an operation she had to stop sleep apnea.

She was born without cranial nerves on one side of her face resulting in facial palsy, she has hyperacusis, hypermobility, severely long sighted and is being assessed for SEN.

She is very high needs but we muddle along. I've done several threads about my family in regards to my daughter.

Anyway, my dsis is supposed to be my best friend and I've always supported her through some rough times but since my ddad made his opinion clear about dd she's been mirroring their opinion.

So dd has been saying she wants to go back to pre school which I completely support, preschool said they would love her back next Monday after a risk assessment and plan of action in regards to her health needs.

Explaining this to dsis and she responds "I'm so glad I can just take my dd to school and not have to faff around like you", I was a bit shocked and said "it's good you don't have a disabled child". She was hmm at me and said dd is not disabled, disabled is in a wheelchair (which I obviously know is also disabled) and therefore dd wasn't and I shouldn't be using that word so loosely.

I just chose to finish the conversation with "there are many versions of disability".

I feel so let down by her, I don't want sympathy but I'd like it if she didn't say things like thank god, iyswim.

I've had people comment on dds face saying this freaky and she looks miserable etc so her comment stung.

If she mentions it again what should I say?

Toffeelatteplease Tue 01-Dec-15 17:56:36

Stop being a twat

(Trying to think of a more sensible answer and failing )

SoWhite Tue 01-Dec-15 17:57:18

Call her thick. Because she is.

And chuck a dictionary or a government/NHS definition her way, if she'd to be proved wrong.

Sirzy Tue 01-Dec-15 17:57:31

My response of choice would be something like "stop being so ignorant"

maybe you could point out to her the amount of para Olympians who aren't in wheelchairs but who are certainly disabled?

Not all disabilities mean someone has to use a wheelchair.

Toffeelatteplease Tue 01-Dec-15 17:58:11

I find comments like that offensive so please can you not make them in either me or DD's presence

SoWhite Tue 01-Dec-15 17:58:42

she'd like to be proved wrong, even.

howtorebuild Tue 01-Dec-15 17:59:09

Give her a look hmm and don't discuss further, give her a wide berth in future.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Tue 01-Dec-15 18:01:46

disabled is in a wheelchair

She doesn't know shit does she?

In your shoes I'd stop thinking of her as quite such a good best friend. I'd also be telling her rather acidly to think for herself, not just parrot your father and to find out the facts and how disabled people define disability. Because she's wrong and she's damn insulting to your daughter, who's had a lot to put up with in her young life.

I don't know if you can be that sharp, though she deserves it. If not, then I still think you're right to say something very firm on the lines of "keep your opinion to yourself".

Btw the disability organisations are usually amazing at info, advice and sometime support.

best of luck esme.

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 18:02:06

I feel alone, my dh has been lovely throughout this with my family so has mil.

Schools, Drs etc etc have been fantastic but they have been wankers. I'd do anything for dsis and just feel shit on.

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 18:04:49

MushroomMama Tue 01-Dec-15 18:04:54

Stop doing stuff for dear sis she's being a complete dick to you when you need support!

I'm disabled I'm not in a wheelchair.

I hope your dd is ok

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 18:14:59

Dd is cool. She feels a lot better than she did a few days ago.

She had her eyes tested again today and needs a bigger perscription, she chose new glasses and sunglasses so she was very happy.

She said she wants to go to pre school and play with her friends, hence why I made arrangements for her to go back before her assessment etc, which nursery were happy to do as well after a risk assessment and plan of action etc.

I just want dd to be happy. I don't use disabled lightly but how else would I describe dds health situation.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Tue 01-Dec-15 18:40:01

Definition of disability under the Equality Act 2010. You're disabled under the Equality Act 2010 if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a 'substantial' and 'long-term' negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities

sounds pretty much like your daughter will fall under this aegis to me, though you'll need perhaps a better assessment than from a stranger on line! Have you got a friendly an knowledgeable health care professional who knows your daughter who could help? Your local council's social work dept might possibly be some help, though they are beyond breaking point generally.

The best idea could be to to could ring some of the disability organisations in the UK to talk about this further, which might be a good idea because you miiight be entitled to some benefits. Its usually a battle to get them, but if you're her carer, which you surely are, then it could help with the finances. eg

Im not familiar any more with the disability organisations in the UK, but perhaps the SN boards here could help?

The disability organisations run by disabled people or who have a heavy presence of disabled people on the board are probably the best ones to talk to.

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Dec-15 18:48:57

I'm disabled and not in a wheelchair. Ditto my son. Ditto probably 95% of disabled people I know.

Your sister is an utter fuckwit.

I have just had a quick flick through your previous threads. Your dad sounds like a horrible, abusive bully. Your sister has probably fallen in line with his opinions through fear of losing his approval.

Sorry you are having to deal with this bullshit on top of your Dd's illness.

These books may help you:
Toxic parents by Susan Forward
If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 19:12:49

Thank you everyone, my dad is currently ignoring me and the kids and mum is pleasant but not saying anything.

Dsis is just being really passive aggressive to me, lots of eye rolling, laying it on thick about parents spending time with her and the kids.

It's all fun and games here. No support at all just lots of hmm dd is sick again *eye roll*

Dh has asked for a transfer to another part of the company and hopefully we can move, although dd gets amazing care here and we love our house sad

YellowTulips Tue 01-Dec-15 19:34:26

In response "however you wish to define the term, my DD does have medical conditions that impact and restrict some activities and thus dis-able her. That said, we will support her to give her the best possible opportunities and access to treatment. I in turn would appreciate your support by not minimising the impact of these conditions on both DD and myself in caring for her. It's extremely hurtful and unnecessary."


"Do you have any fucking idea how insensitive you are being?"

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 20:00:21

Would it be too PA of me to print this thread and tape it to her door?

Dh made a point right now that I hadn't thought of.

Dsis is 25 and has 3dd by two fathers (she's currently in a court battle with the youngests father about visitation and the elder two haven't seen their dad since 1 and the other never) and what she said to me is like me saying "thank god I had kids with the same man and we're still together so I don't have to go through court etc"

He's right, she would be so upset and hurt and they would all hate me (since dsis, ddad and Dm are really into the whole court thing right now)

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 20:00:40

I would never say that FYI because I'm not a wanker

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Tue 01-Dec-15 20:29:17

I wouldnt print this thread out no, but I'd plan on moving away asap. You and your daughter do not need this shit.

Junoandthepeacock Tue 01-Dec-15 20:35:42

Is this the family who are going to report you for having munchausens by proxy?
Just ring a social worker. If you are completely confident in the decisions you have made, they can assess the paperwork and basically give you the 'all clear' to tell your parents to fuck off.

merrymouse Tue 01-Dec-15 20:40:14

Your sister sounds ignorant and not very worldly. Give her 10 years and she might have wised up a bit.

Esmeismyhero Tue 01-Dec-15 20:49:54

juno I haven't heard anything and afaik my dad was just talking out of his Arse because dm or dsis haven't mentioned it again.

I'm waiting on appointments to come through for assessment etc but I think I will give HV another call and see what she says.

greypinkandpurple Tue 01-Dec-15 22:55:40

it's not just your sister confused

A long time ago a "professional " said to my friend as long as you have two hands and two legs you not disabled ...

FarticCircle Wed 02-Dec-15 01:02:44

I don't know.

In a society where being "disabled" is viewed so negatively I can sort of understand why people want to avoid using the label. "Disabled" can be shorthand for drain-on-society or lesser-person or barely-a-person-at-all.

My Friend has cerebral palsy: she works; is a mum; married. It does impact on her health and on parts of her day to day life. But I really struggle to think of her as disabled, just that she has CP.

But you DD does sound lovely, hope she gets back to pre-school soon.

ohtheholidays Wed 02-Dec-15 02:02:47

Esme I'm disabled(should be in a wheelchair all the time but hate it because so many people are Cunt's towards disabled people)and we have 2DC that are disabled(5DC in total)tell your sister from me to fuck off and to stop being an idiot!Your DD is disabled and your parents and sister don't have a clue.

I posted on your other thread about your parents(a few days ago)your little girl sounds lovely,it's great that she'll be going back to school soon.It sounds like your little girl is very lucky as she has such a lovely Mummy and Daddy.

I know it's hard but please don't take any notice of those that try to bring you down they are not worth you or your familys time or consideration they really aren't(un mumsnetty hugs) x

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