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DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

(501 Posts)
TheCunnyFunt Tue 01-Dec-15 13:48:14

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

Vagabond Tue 01-Dec-15 13:56:46

Oh, how awful. What a terrible thing this woman did to your family.

I think the best thing you can do is stand by your marriage, stay strong and be a united front against this woman. Yes, of course you can be pissed off with you DH; I think that's natural.

Your husband made a big mistake and, in my opinion, he has paid a huge price for it in terms of the torment he has been through. He now has to make it up to you.

If it were me, I would forgive the infidelity because its not worth splitting up over.

You are going to get a lot of LTB comments though. Good luck. Your ex friend has obviously had such a troubled youth that she doesn't know right from wrong, despite the kindnesses you have shown her.

Joysmum Tue 01-Dec-15 14:09:22

Nothing could more than make up for a persons decision to cheat confused

Ugandandiscussions Tue 01-Dec-15 14:18:09

Poor you OP. This sounds horrible for you.

Why did she do it? Because she was jealous of you and your life. Because she thought - because she's come from a place where the closest people did not love her enough - that once you opened your doors to her, your own mother and your life, that she had a right to everything in that life too, including your DH. She probably thought that if she became more like you then she could cancel out some of the self hate her mother instilled in her.

Then when you cast her out of your life (she is an ex friend although you haven't said how she became an ex friend - I am assuming) she felt rejected all over again like she did with her mother and sought to have power again by using blackmail. Desperate measures.

You can get over this if you and your DH can come to some agreement over the reasons why he slept with her and if those reasons resound with you.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Tue 01-Dec-15 14:27:13

So not only does he fuck another woman, he pays her to keep schtum about it.
Did you go with him to the police?
How come she stopped being your best friend?

123Jump Tue 01-Dec-15 14:30:12

This may have all happened years ago,but you have just found out about it. Your Dh (DP at the time?) cheated on you. Just because it was years ago doesn't mean you have to get over it because it was so long ago.
You will still need time to absorb it. That may mean some time alone. I wouldn't allow anyone to make you brush this under the carpet. Only with time will you know how you feel, with regards to your DH and the future.

123Jump Tue 01-Dec-15 14:33:39

Just to add, the fact he has 'suffered' all these years is down to his own actions and cowardice. Don't let a belief that he has suffered for you for so long diminish his actions.
He cheated on you with your best friend,more than once, lied repeatedly, and has shown some serious flaws in his nature. They are facts, I wouldn't be feeling too much pity for him. And you don't have to either.

CheesyNachos Tue 01-Dec-15 14:34:29

Wow. Oh OP. thanks

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 01-Dec-15 14:36:26

I might have been able to forgive the affair, maybe, with time. But he's lied to you for years, he's spent family money concealing this from you. Other people knew. He has made a joke of your entire marriage. I wouldn't be able to forgive him for the lies or the affair. I'd feel sad that he was blackmailed, but if he hadn't had an affair with your best friend and then paid her off to be quiet, he wouldn't have been.

You will need to be an exceptionally strong person to forgive this and I don't believe you could have a good marriage again. Not really. You'd always wonder if he was lying again. Best of luck if you want to try it, though.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 01-Dec-15 14:36:35

I'm so sorry you've been out in this position. My gut feeling is not to react too quickly. You've had a lot of shocks.

CloakAndJagger Tue 01-Dec-15 14:36:41

If not automatically stand by my man. He cheated on you and has been giving money out of your marital joint finances to another woman for years. What a cowardly cheating crap baggage he is.

Vagabond, of course shagging your wife's best friend and then forking out to keep her quiet is worth splitting over. How low are your standards?

OP this is a lot to take in and maybe your first thoughts are to unite with your DH against this woman. But once you've got over the shock, you need to look into whether you still feel the way about him. Can you forgive and move on? Does it make it better that it's years ago, or does a deception lasting a decade make it worse?

Do you have anyone in RL that you can go and cry on about this?

ovenchips Tue 01-Dec-15 14:38:13

shock What a horrendous situation. Especially for you, as you were unaware of any aspects of it and so have the terrible shock too.

I'm so sorry both your DH and your best friend (at that time) have betrayed you. That's enough to knock the stuffing out of you.

My advice, FWIW, is that the different and hurtful aspects of this situation are going to hit you at different points. For now, it sounds like the blackmail and betrayal by your friend is what has shocked you to core (as it would me). I think you have to prepare yourself that at some point you are probably going to get incandescently angry at your DH for creating this situation and his 'part' in it.

So first I think you have to simply feel all your feelings for as long as they keep coming, and from whatever direction they come from. Weather this feelings 'storm' however rough it gets, and then see where you are at the end of it.

I would be expecting my husband to be dealing with all the practical aspects of the blackmail (dealing with police and anyone else). I wouldn't make or accept any promises to/ from him at the moment about the future.

As for your friend, and why she did it, I don't have an answer other than she obviously is a very, very damaged person who doesn't even seem able to not direct her terrible behaviour at those who have helped her most. If I was an amateur psychologist, I'd say there's probably an element of jealousy and revenge to her actions.

Best of luck to you OP and I hope you are able to be look after yourself first and foremost.

shinynewusername Tue 01-Dec-15 14:38:34

Ignore all the LTB comments that you are going to get. MN orthodoxy is that infidelity is unforgivable. In the real world, many relationships survive it. Do what you feel will make you happy. You have every right to dump his stuff in the streets and change the locks but do not feel pressured to do so if it is not what you want.

Vagabond Tue 01-Dec-15 14:40:12

CloakAndJagger.....well, when you put it THAT way! smile

BastardGoDarkly Tue 01-Dec-15 14:41:13

Fucking hell op, you must be reeling flowers

I dare say you'll be going through every emotion in the rainbow in the coming days/weeks. They're all valid, don't let him try to minimise what he actually did in the first place, were you married/together a long time? Has he said why?

I don't think you'd get any satisfactory answers from your old best friend, even if you asked her.

The only thing you can do is sort this out with your husband.

I feel for you, honestly, this must be such a shock.

Needaninsight Tue 01-Dec-15 14:42:09

I think he's already paid a hefty price.

Take some time. You will get nearly everyone telling you to LTB. Personally, I think you should try to work through this.

What a shock. So sorry.

Hoppinggreen Tue 01-Dec-15 14:44:02

I don't think you should allow any "sympathy" for him to diminish what he did.
Ask yourself if he had slept with this woman and NOT been blackmailed what your reaction would have been and then go with that.
Also, bear in mind that he didn't confess until he couid afford to pay her.
I'm not saying LTB necessarily but don't let the issue of the infidelity become sidelined by the blackmail

shinynewusername Tue 01-Dec-15 14:44:25

He has made a joke of your entire marriage

What a cruel and unhelpful comment.

The DH made one extremely stupid and selfish choice. He has spent 9 years paying for it - quite literally. That certainly doesn't mean the OP should necessarily forgive him, but nor does it mean that her marriage was a joke.

Everythinggettingbigger Tue 01-Dec-15 14:44:38

I haven't been in your situation (I don't think...I hope not) of being cheated on, so I cant really comment as I think unless you have been in that situation you don't really know what you would feel but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you flowers

this woman sounds awful, and yes your husband has been through a lot to keep her quiet but that doesn't excuse what he did. I would like to think if it was I wouldn't throw our whole life away for something he did years ago I could probably forgive but I would never forget which would always be a problem.

sending hugs and hoping for a positive outcome.

Whythehellnot Tue 01-Dec-15 14:45:00

I would make sure you have the full facts before making any decisions.

Is it possible that he has been seeing her up until recently? The fact she is still blackmailing him suggests it didn't end years ago. He will be underplaying this, whatever he has told you. I don't think you have the full story.

ThomasRichard Tue 01-Dec-15 14:45:39

You don't need to make any decisions right now.

Whatever torment your DH has been through over the past 7 years, he's had 7 years to deal with it. You've only just found out, with no warning, that two people very close to you have betrayed your trust in a horrible way.

rainbowstardrops Tue 01-Dec-15 14:46:28

Blimey, what a shock for you!
Personally, I wouldn't be able to feel any compassion for DH. Not only did he cheat on you with your BEST FRIEND but he has spent years living a lie with you AND he has been spending the family money trying to cover it up!
Yes your 'friend' was despicable but it was your DH that cheated on you.
I wouldn't be able to overcome that level of deceit.
Sorry op flowers

Goingtobeawesome Tue 01-Dec-15 14:47:05

Having a troubled upbringing does not excuse bad behaviour. I'm sick of it being a get out of jail card for bad choices.

diddl Tue 01-Dec-15 14:47:57

I'm a cold hearted bitch I think when I read this sort of thing.

You feel pity for him?

It's a situation completely of his own making!

It would be too big a betrayal for me.

TheCunnyFunt Tue 01-Dec-15 14:49:11

The reason we stopped being friends is that we simply drifted apart. Stopped calling and texting so much, stopped seeing each other as often and eventually the friendship fizzled out until it was nothing. Mind you, that's what I assumed, it may have been because she felt guilty about what she was doing but clearly not guilty enough to stop it.

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