Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please share your thoughts .im struggling to decide if I can stay marrieda

(12 Posts)
ginorwine Tue 01-Dec-15 13:00:21

Have been married 30 years .i am 50 .
When we first got married I needed a stable supportive man .over time and with his support I have dealt with some very traumatic stuff .

Again over time , I have gained confidence and have sort of retuned to myself .
My husband is a loyal , quiet , loving man .he is very I trovertrd . We were a good match as he liked to listen etc .
I have changed .icare about him vv much but the feeling I have to admit about our relationship in the here and now I can only describe as disappointment .i want to travel etc at w ends he's not intrested etc .i do things with out dd such as hols abroad instead of with friends .he happy with that but it's like my investment in sharing things with him is dwindling .im not the sort of person who turns my back on people - as I said I care about him - we've been to councelling and he agreed to meet me half way by doing stuff and for me to understand what he wanted .- but I m struggling as I'm now not wanting to do things with him and he points out that I'm not really that I trested .he has tried often but then reverted to type .i don't want to keep trying to encourage him to be more out there emotionally etc which is what he asks me to do as I build my hopes - then he just resorts to how was before .
It also feels like I shd not try and change him anymore and that I need to quietly give in .accept ive changed. .- then what ? Feel sad .

ginorwine Tue 01-Dec-15 13:02:50

This going off n on for last ten years or so
Apologies for v poor typing
No specs and upset / rushed in lunch break at work !!!

ginorwine Tue 01-Dec-15 13:07:15

Teens have found out
Eavesdropped !
Feel under pressure
No where to hide in my home - ds keep say. But he's a nice guy mum - I kno that

coffeeisnectar Tue 01-Dec-15 13:15:13

No one should stay in a relationship when they aren't happy. There could be a whole new life where you will feel fulfilled and happy.

However, it doesn't seem like your dh has changed or done anything wrong. In fact you chose him because he was quiet, stable and supportive. Now you have outgrown that and need something else.

I know you've been for counselling together but maybe go on your own. Speak to someone and talk about how you feel.

I presume your husband is happy as things are. If he doesn't want to split it may shatter his world. Your dc may decide to stay with him. There is lots to think about and you can't presume to just walk away without huge emotional fallout and also risk your dc not respecting your decision.

ginorwine Tue 01-Dec-15 22:04:06

Thanks for your reply
I know I have faults and i kno we in tricky water !
He so insular I feel cut off and struggle understand
For eg my family have just help us out to tune 2o k as his job under threat .he not called to say thanks despite promise of do so .that was 6 weeks ago .at 53 he should know these things surley ?

ginorwine Tue 01-Dec-15 22:37:20

Does anyone else have any thoughts please .

timeisnotaline Thu 03-Dec-15 01:23:23

I also think you should go through counselling on your own to try and work out what you really want. You don't sound like you have thought it all through yourself yet. What is it you don't like/appreciate about him now? What is it you do?

Garlick Thu 03-Dec-15 02:16:08

OK, it sounds like you have changed a lot over the years - in ways that you needed to change, and he helped you through this.


But you aren't the same couple that got married. You admit you've been wanting to "make him change", basically into somebody more compatible with who you are now. Of course you can't make another person change. To even try is abusive. It seems you recognise this.

At a guess, this isn't going to end with you holding hands into the sunset of old age. But there's no need to jump screaming over the side, either! DH can't fail to be aware of the problem, even if he prefers to ignore it. Take some time to formulate clearly what you want for the next few decades of your life, what you'll settle for and what compromises you can make. Figure out how to match your life experience more closely with your character. Do it on here if you like, with your friends and with a counsellor if available.

It is possible to be happily separated. It takes time, clarity and communication.

And, yes, he has appalling manners!

APlaceOnTheCouch Thu 03-Dec-15 02:34:40

You sound very unhappy flowers

You don't need our permission to leave. You don't need your DH's permission to leave. You don't need your DCs' permission to leave. If you are unhappy then it's ok to say so and end your marriage but you also have to accept it will have an impact on your relationships with your DCs (it could be positive or negative).

However, there is an undercurrent in your OP that your DH doesn't support you or share your interests but someone else might. I don't think it's a good idea to leave a relationship in the hope of finding a better one. You need to leave knowing you will be happy even if you don't find someone to share your interests. Individual counselling might help you come to terms with what you actually want.

You could also try having some time apart from your DH either an extended break or a longer trial separation.

ginorwine Thu 03-Dec-15 06:44:53

Thank you all very much .
I feel much calmer now .
Have seen a solicitor and know that would be ok financially .
Then spoke to dh last night for a good while .
I've , for my part , decided to see if I want to stay in relationship for me - not my dc etc .its a good idea mentioned to actually address how I wd like rest of years to be - I was thinking of the negatives and fearful dread only and im putting my cards on the table .i so appriciate your support .

Garlick Thu 03-Dec-15 12:28:14

Well done you smile Post back if you need to work things through. Wishing you good luck and a following wind.

Fatherwishmas Thu 03-Dec-15 13:46:44

You sound very considered and caring OP. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Do make sure that your Children know that this isn't anything that they have done, as they have over heard some of this.

Can you plan some adventures? on your own or with a friend?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now