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High maintanence friend driving me crazy! Is it me??

(63 Posts)
VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 11:58:16

One of my good friends has always been extremely high maintenance (IMO). I just don't know if I can take it anymore and starting wondering if her extreme reactions are justified? Is it me or is she just too much? We have known each other for over 10 years now and are very close but sometimes I just feel suffocated by her reactions to me when I slightly don't behave exactly as she would like me to.

We are both women (30 yr old) and she gets very irate if I don't reply to her messages straight away.
She text me yesterday (a motivational picture quote) At the time I was getting my nails done so couldn't really reply and then it slipped my mind for the rest of the day.
She text me again at 9.30pm at night when I was driving home so I read the message (which she could see I had done) but I couldn't reply again as I was driving and made a mental note to respond once home. Ten minutes later I get a passive aggressive text. Something along the lines of 'ok no worries chat soon'. I apologised and told her sorry it completely slipped my mind to reply earlier and I was driving just now which was why I didn't respond straight away, no big deal type thing.
She replied 'ok shall I respond now or maybe wait a few hours like you do?'. I told her I'm not interested in having this convo and that she's being silly- it was a mistake, that I wasn't intentionally trying to upset her and said I was sorry. And she told me I was being really mean not replying all day so I suggested we talk later when she feels better. The response was 'Yeah but you probably won't respond so what's the point'. I just said 'fine suit yourself but you're being ridiculous' and then I get the 'oh wow thanks for being such a great best friend' etc 'nice to see you're bothered' and other words to that effect. Then blocked me! I despair!
How would you deal with someone like this? We seem to have the same argument over and over again and it's driving me absolutely bonkers! Should I be trying to cater to her needs more or does she need to chill out?? Any words of wisdom on how to deal with someone like this? or AIBU? xx

timeforabrewnow Tue 01-Dec-15 12:03:17

I have words of wisdom. Leave her alone and do not text and get involved. And yes - she is being ridiculous.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Dec-15 12:10:39

OMG, if everyone I didn't respond to straight away was like this my life would an absolute misery.
I rarely reply straight away.
She is not your boss and you don't have to respond within a certain time.
Be glad she has blocked you.
Don't engage any more it's really not worth it.

CheersMedea Tue 01-Dec-15 12:18:16

It sounds like a possible symptom of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD fear abandonment and get highly anxious about any perceived "rejection". It sounds nuts but a failure to respond to an email, facebook post/message or even a text can make such a person feel really rejected. A typical response would be reject them properly before they can abandon me - ie. blocking. Disproportionate responses to perceived incoming abandonment is also typical as I understand it.

If that's her personality type, then either you decide she's worth keeping in your life and take steps to minimise her anxiety or you decide she's not worth it. Bear in mind though that if I'm right, it's a symptom of a mental disorder so cutting her a bit of slack could be a kind thing to do.

Newyearnewbrain Tue 01-Dec-15 12:26:18

Time to let this relationship die a natural death. I think some friendships are only meant to have a short shelf life. It's not being mean but as a grown adult you get to say how you are treated and you are responsible for how you treat others.
At the very least it's time to pull back.

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 12:30:27

Yes last time we had this fight I laid it down that we clearly had different needs and idea of what a friendship is and entails. I don't have this problem with any of my other friends so I know it can't be me. I said this is how I am, if you don't like it then you don't have to stick around. Of course then I get the 'ok nice to see you can so easily give up on a ten year friendship just like that- at least one of us cares enough to fight for it etc' We usually stop talking for a few days and then she comes back and apologies and just says she feels like I don't care etc we make up and then the same thing happens again a month later!

Arfarfanarf Tue 01-Dec-15 12:35:10

How would I deal with it?

I'd walk away.

I am far too old to be bothered with that shit.

She sounds like a petulant child.

ItchyArmpits Tue 01-Dec-15 12:38:53

*then blocked me! I despair!
How would you deal with someone like this?*

By not really caring very much. She's not a friend.

DoreenLethal Tue 01-Dec-15 12:39:43

Gordon Bennett stop being such a needy drama llama!

Is what I would say. But she blocked you anyway so win win.

Sparkletastic Tue 01-Dec-15 12:41:49

I would drop her.

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 12:46:37

The thing is when she's not being crazy she is a good friend. I recently broke up with my BF and she was great and really supportive. Though as soon as I step a foot out of line it gets thrown back in my face. She's like Jekyll and Hyde!

toffeeboffin Tue 01-Dec-15 12:54:53

Good lord, how do you have time for that shit?

Find new mates.

Borninthe60s Tue 01-Dec-15 12:56:34

Remove her from your life and move on.

I tell everyone that a text is like a letter, it may be delivered but not necessarily read and acted upon. If they want an instant response then speak to me! Would that approach help?

lookatmenow Tue 01-Dec-15 13:01:51

Very much in the same way as BORNIN, let her know if she wants instant reply, ring you. Simples wink

Arfarfanarf Tue 01-Dec-15 13:02:51

that's like saying when he isn't smacking me round the face, he's a good husband.

sometimes it just isn't worth it.

she sounds exhausting. Who can be bothered with such drama?

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 13:16:24

Well when you put it like that....

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 13:17:25

Oh I wouldn't even want to suggest that in case god forbid there was a time when I couldn't pick up the phone either!

MummaGiles Tue 01-Dec-15 13:22:38

Turn your read receipts off for your messages

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 13:51:20

Unfortunately you can't do that on whatsapp- or I would! sad

NotQuitePerfect Tue 01-Dec-15 13:59:02

Please, please ignore her! Life is short - your's will be much lighter without her in it, I promise you. Take it from one who knows! x

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 01-Dec-15 14:03:35

I had a friend like this once. She could be a trooper but for the most part she was just draining and exhausting. One day a few years ago I saw she had unfriended me on Facebook so I messaged to ask why. She replied, "You know why." I didn't, and still don't, and nor do any of our mutual friends, but we haven't spoken since and I swear, my life has been so, so, so much better since. I'd have dumped her years previously had I realised what an absolute joysuck she is.

Occasionally someone mentions to me how much her attention-seeking, passive aggressive, negative and moronic Facebook posts are annoying them.

Vagabond Tue 01-Dec-15 14:05:02

She might have been a good friend to you when you split up because she was happy to have more of you to herself.

Personally, I'd want to dump any friend that sent me motivational quotes and expect a reply.

Some friendships are just meant to die a natural death....it's just a symptom of growing up and it looks like you have outgrown this needy heap of insecurity. Friends are supposed to buoy you up, not drag you down with unrealistic expectations and petulance.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Tue 01-Dec-15 14:04:43

I'd leave the friendship there and treat her going off in a blue snit as a gift.

She may be unwell as CheersMedea says, but resuming the friendship means you have to play by her rules or she won't be happy, and I can't see how you can sustain a friendship where you must reply to her immediately, but she can block you and ignore you entirely if you are 'naughty'.

I think that is too unequal for you to remain friends for long, so I'd probably accept her blocking you as the friendship coming to an end, and not try to resume contact.

VIX1307 Tue 01-Dec-15 14:12:32

Yeah I said having a hissy fit at me for not replying to your 'supportive message' kind of defeats the point. Her reply - 'Well you ignoring me kind of defeats the point of friendship' THE DRAMA!

loveyoutothemoon Tue 01-Dec-15 14:39:17

It all depends on how regular it is that you leave it hours before replying? If it's a lot it would frustrate me but if only every now and then she's an irrational bitch!

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