Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Finding it difficult to move past this(14 Posts)
I've been with my husband for six years and we have recently had our first child, he's just over six months old now. We generally have a very good relationship - we disagree sometimes but tend to discuss rather than argue, we laugh and joke together. He is an excellent husband and father - does his share of parenting and housework despite working full time, makes sure I get a break when I need it, will happily embarrass himself by singing terribly in public if it's required to stop ds crying etc. I adore him and he tells me and shows me that he feels the same. We're currently lucky to be a very happy family.
About two weeks after the birth, when I was exhausted and hormonal and still recovering from a third degree tear and the associated stitches and other problems I initiated sex with my husband. Looking back it was clearly too early but I think I missed the closeness that the newborn baby had completely interrupted. It was 100% my idea. Just after a gentle start the baby monitor lit up and we heard ds start to wake up. DH then went for the 'speed finish' and hurt me. I didn't say anything, I didn't ask him to stop. I am 100% clear in my mind that if I had said something he would have stopped immediately, no questions asked. I have no idea why I kept quiet, I just wasn't myself in those first few months after the birth.
Fast forward to now and I can't stand the thought of resuming a physical relationship with my husband. I still adore him and I find him attractive but I'm frightened to have sex. We have discussed this and he's horrified, he has apologised and shown me nothing but love and understanding. There's no pressure at all from him to resume things but I know that he would like to eventually when I'm ready.
Any advice? I can see we're both responsible for this situation - probably me more than him! I just don't know how to move forwards.
You have my empathy having experienced the 3rd degree tear also. 2 weeks though, wow! No wonder you were sore, I couldn't walk without discomfort for 6 weeks, no way would I have tried that. Lets assume you were both a little naive to the damage a baby can cause, and optimistic with healing time. Somehow, you didn't say it hurt at the time, and he was thoughtless to your needs.
It's not all down to you, but it's also not always helpful to divvy up the share of the blame. Just accept that you both made a mistake, it's good that he is horrified, he should be. Now move on, slowly, he has some fixing to do, after all " a quick finish", was all about his needs wasn't it? I think you are reacting to him being so focused on himself at the time. It's now down to him to reassure you. I hope he is working on that, as ignoring it and hoping how you feel will go on its own will solve nothing.
Tell him how you feel, say you need some very gentle care, if you both open up and talk it through it will not turn into the elephant in the room.
If he is caring and thoughtful to your needs usually, you should find a way through. I hope this is an isolated incidence of his thoughtlessness and there is no general tendency to be selfishly loving.
You're right of course - it was madness to even try. There's no way I was physically ready for it! I think I just wanted to know that our pre-baby relationship was still there and went looking for it in the wrong way.
Your perspective has been really helpful, you're right about him being selfish and not thinking about me, it's completely out of character thank goodness.
I think most woman are worried about resuming sex after birth - especially if there was any kind of trauma. I know I was. At six months, I think you will find it much less traumatic if you try again. Have a glass of wine or such to help you relax. It sounds like your H is very regretful of hurting you and will be much more attentive to any discomfort he may cause you next time. Agree between you both to take it very slowly. From what you write, I think you're just frightened of getting hurt again but I think you just have to do it to get past your fear. It will be ok.
He sounds lovely and like he made a big mistake that he regrets bitterly. He sounds worth really trying to forgive. I am with a big glass of wine and lots of lube. I had an op that left me very scared and very tense and a big glass of white wine and lots of lubs made me relax first time. DH was more scared than me
I'm going to be honest with you
A intelligent caring person would not agree to have intercurse two weeks after such a sirious damage and definitely would not go for speed finish . .
A loving caring intelligent person would know straight away you are in discomfort
And would rather stop than continue! !
I disagree. Many men do not have a clue about tears and how it actually feels. He may have just panicked and thought get it over with asap- especially as she instigated the sex. I would not damn him on that one thing.
DH and I had sex 3 weeks after DS was born. There was no discomfort but he was scared to hurt me. I kept saying it was fine and he was really quick because he was scared.
I also don't think he'd have known how it physically felt for you without you telling him.
Personally i'd go for counseling (by yourself) if you can afford it. I've found it really really helpful for dealing with events in my life that i'ce struggled to move on from.
I think you were torn between pleasing your dh, and your DC, at that precise monent, and now feel guilty?
Is your issue that you put your dh first? I doubt very much you're the first woman to have stop proceedings as it were. I remember asking my ex dh to stop and he wouldn't, whuch is very different and not why you are upset. Am done of the reasons we are now divorced.
You and your dh sound on the surface to be happy, so what is it - you have to be honest what is really bothering you. A minute can seem like hours if you're not having fun. Were you having fun and suddenly not? Did he notice?
Perhaps, you need to have some time, you and your dh need to have gentle time, chatting and enjoying the trials of being a parent.
Lots to think about here, thank you! Unfortunately private counselling isn't financially viable at the moment whilst on maternity leave (and what else is mumsnet for?!)
I think lulu is right that he kind of panicked and was his a bit clueless really. I just need to have a glass
bottle of wine and get over it! I feel like I've forgiven him in my head but not in my heart. Or something.
How about you take the time to reconnect and get him to focus entirely on your needs? If you can find enough time for a massage (him massaging you) for example which might leave you sleepy and not up for sex, so that's how it ends, or might leave you very turned on, but relaxed. Agree beforehand that you will tell him what you would like, how fast, what to do. Test him if you like - saying stop, or moving your body and seeing if he can pick up the cues about what you want (and telling him if he doesn't, so he can learn).
It may take a few times of doing this and you'd need to talk beforehand about this being a way to regain trust and reconnect. Given that you've already talked about what happened, that sounds like something you could talk about openly. If he's willing to get this sorted he will be willing to let you take your time. Do NOT feel selfish if it means you are the only one whose needs are prioritised for a while. Once you feel more comfortable you can reciprocate or you may be in a better place to resume normal relations without the focus being all on you.
Are you still having a sexual relationship in other ways? If not, maybe that's a place to start, lots of cuddles/ massage/ sexual contact other than piv until you feel ready to give it another go. Can be hard to find the time/ energy with a 6 month old though I know, even without the anxiety!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.