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How do I get DP to understand...

(5 Posts)
tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 10:08:41

I've thought about making a post like this for a while, but I just don't know where to start. This might will be long.
I've been with DP for nearly 1.5 years and we have a 4mo DD (I know we had a DC too soon, not much I can do now and I wouldn't be without DD for anything in the world).
DP is always talking about everything being "equal" but I really don't feel like it is. I do majority of the childcare, he works, I don't mind that in itself I want to be home with DD, but he acts like when he's home he shares responsibility equally which just isn't the case. We've had discussions about it, he's done his part for a week or two then it goes back to normal. At one point I cleaned the whole flat at midnight whilst he was sleeping because the next day he was off work so I knew he'd get up before me, tidy everything and then say "I did the whole flat, nothings ever good enough for you" despite having barely lifted a finger the whole of the week.
He never ever does a night shift with DD (she's ff), even on weekends. He seems completely clueless about taking care of DD, which wouldn't bother me but he was a SAHD with his DD from a previous relationship so I know he knows how to take care of a baby.
The reason I'm bringing all this up now is that the last couple of days I've had a bad cold and have been feeling like crap. Sunday he told me "make yourself a coffee" like he was being super nice. Last night I asked him to put the pizzas in the oven for dinner as I was settling DD who was being a bit of a fusspot. You would have thought I'd demanded a three course meal. He didn't say anything, but huffed and puffed the entire time and when I brought him up on it he says "I'm tired of people asking me to do things"... Yet if I didn't do what I did without being asked, we'd all starve! Basically he did less than half of what I do in an evening and then wanted me to be grateful.
Idk if I'm just being silly and I have a lot of self doubt as I was raised in an EA home and he seems to be able to pick up on that and make me think I'm not being grateful enough.
I really don't want this to be too long, but I also don't want to drip feed (probably will as I cant include everything in one post) - when we discuss money he says that the money he earns is our money, then within a couple of days, or even the same day, he'll complain that he has to pay for everything... Even last night when I said he didn't really help, he just told me to do the washing up in the morning like he was being super helpful, he said he couldn't help me because he was "worrying about the bills which is more important"...
Maybe IABU (different section I know) but I just want him to understand that things can be tough for me too and that when I ask him for help, or pick him up on stuff that I'm not just being difficult or ungrateful, I just need a hand sometimes.
Holy shit this is long, I'm sorry sad

Sighing Tue 01-Dec-15 10:23:13

You don't "need a hand" sometimes. He is also a parent also lives in the house. It's just as much his responsibility as yours. He sounds like he doesn't recognise what you're doing nor what needs doing.

Threefishys Tue 01-Dec-15 10:31:05

Is this a case of a year and half being a really short time to see if you are compatible with someone and throw a baby into the mix that ties you whether you are compatible or not and the resentment and nitpicking starts. I feel for you OP. This kind of tit for tat stuff is usually reserved for way down the line. What are you going to do? Your situation won't change on its own you need to make material changes. Go out to work and half the bills so he has to do half the work at home too maybe?.

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 10:34:27

I don't think he understands either, he just gets to the weekend and then says the flat is a "shit-hole" and cleans everything. Last weekend he said "you really need to be doing this sometimes too you know"
I cant even go to the loo without him saying he cant handle DD "whinging all the time" (she's 4mo and a wonderfully behaved baby who only cries when something is wrong/she's tired)

tuilamum Tue 01-Dec-15 10:39:03

I do feel like going back to work sometimes but DD is too young for me to feel comfortable leaving her with anyone (personal choice)
I've said I'd like to go back to uni, starting with home study then maybe going to the local uni. He agrees with me verbally, but looks like he's just eaten a lemon and looks at me like I'm abandoning DD to go and "be a student" (I put that in quotation marks because he has very specific ideas of what that means aka getting pissed every night etc)

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