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Married to a distant man

(4 Posts)
Hyacinthusbucketus Tue 01-Dec-15 08:07:40

Having found an interesting article on this subject
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201307/ten-surprising-ways-connect-distant-partner, i just wonder if other people find themselves in this position.

Having spent the weekend in the hospital with my daughter (not seriously ill but needing a drip as she was dehydrated from being sick). My dh was visiting his mother (FIL died a yr ago) and he is trying to support her. I had two children to care for, organise friends (thankfully) to take other one on sunday and the to school monday as she could not stay at the hospital, etc. It has been an exhausting weekend and I felt my husband was just totally unsupportive. He comes back today and we Skyped last night when the children had gone to bed and all I hear about is how good it was to be with his mother and complaining about this and that, but nothing about how I must be tired (daughter had been ill from thursday night), no care for me. He did thank me for not making a fuss that he visits his mother and thanked me for looking after our daughter, but nothing about me.

If I were to say anything to him, I would be told I was being needy. He has a lot of compassion for his mother, I understand that and shows lots of affection for the children. He comes back today and I know the best thing to do is put on a happy face but sometimes it justs gets too much.

Hyacinthusbucketus Tue 01-Dec-15 09:31:16

Hoping someone will come along....

Smorgasboard Tue 01-Dec-15 10:13:25

Can only try to get the point to him by communication, giving up and saying nothing will get you nowhere, and the resentment in you will grow, damaging your relationship. Could you try a mix of pointing out the positives, and giving him some facts ?
"It's great that you support your mother, and you are very caring with the children, I don't feel that you care for me, however, and if I continue to feel that you don't care about me, then there will be no point for me to continue in this relationship". That's quite simple and hopefully will lead to ways he can support you. If he says you are being 'needy', you could make the point that clearly he is not able to give you what you need, which makes you incompatible, so perhaps it would be better for you to be free to find support elsewhere. Either it will shake him up, or really, he does not care enough about you - in which case, do your own thing, don't be supportive of him anymore.

Hyacinthusbucketus Tue 01-Dec-15 10:25:18

Thank you Smorgasboard. i am not seen as having anything to complain about though. obviously his mother has had a very tough time but what problems do I have? These issues predate his father's death and I would be seen (maybe rightly ) to be selfish to bring all of this up. He would only come back with answers like "you took care if it all didn't you" "it is the sort of thing my mother took care of on her own, what do you want, a medal or something"?

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