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A problem with controlling people

(7 Posts)
Raigo Tue 01-Dec-15 07:46:17

Hi, I was hoping for a little advice. I am not sure how to deal with controlling people but it's always been a problem. I am a fairly shy person but I am confident in myself. Unfortunately so many women judge my shyness as needing them to take over and I don't know how to stop them without being rude so I end up bottling it up. I don't really have any friends any more as all my friends where controlling and making me miserable, but I would really like to meet some new friends.
Now I have a little boy who is 20 months old I am finding those same types are telling me how I should be with him and it's annoying me a lot because I never ask for this advice. I have started a group and really like the lady that runs it. She is really nice but I have noticed a few times that she has told me how to be with my son and I would like to know ways to stopping this without confrontation. I have tried the smile and carry on technique but this doesn't work.
I am not a loud aggressive person and wouldn't like to jump down anyones throat but when my sons trousers are falling down and I go to pull them up and the lady says loudly to me in front of everyone, no leave him alone to play, what can you say to that?? I said I am pulling his trousers up, but in all honesty she shouldn't be telling me not to do anything with my son!
I am becoming more and more isolated by this. This lady is well liked, she isn't a bad person, but I just want her to know in as nice a way as possible that I don't want her to do that.
Any advice would be really appreciated
Thank you

pallasathena Tue 01-Dec-15 09:56:59

I'd say, 'I'd appreciate it if you didn't undermine my parenting in front of my son,' and leave it at that. You must learn to be assertive now otherwise your child will emulate your behaviour and could become a future target for bullies. Suggest an assertiveness training course or buy some assertiveness books off amazon - highly recommended. First step is asking for advice next step - get assertive. Its very liberating. I used to be just like you.

NoodleNuts Tue 01-Dec-15 14:01:15

I agree, I don't think any of these people are being controlling particularly, I think you need to be more assertive with them. It isn't being rude, just tell people firmly that you are fine and don't need any help. they will soon get the message!

FinallyHere Tue 01-Dec-15 14:15:57

I find that the comment 'thank you for sharing that with me' does the trick. It saves me from getting defensive and makes it quite clear that, while i value their concern, what they are suggesting is just not relevant to me.

Hope that helps.

Raigo Tue 01-Dec-15 20:43:20

I should explain that I have no problem standing up to bullies, like i said I am quite a confident person, I am not walked over and have never been bullied. What I am talking about are people that mean well but end up trying to take over all the time.
I think the first comment is a little strong for this lady as she is really nice and only means well, but I just want to stop it before it starts because I have let these things slide before and then its ruined a friendship because it goes too far.
I think that comment from finallyhere is a good one if said politely and then you carry on doing what you doing then that is a more polite but strong way to say I don't need your advice.
Thank you for all your replies, your thoughts are very appreciated

Buttercup443 Tue 01-Dec-15 21:09:10

Just say "I'm good, thanks."

OP, I have been in your shoes, still am a bit non confrontational but grown more ballsy as with four kids I trust my judgement a lot more and I am happy to do what I do and be who I am. I had very controlling parents and I can see my eldest being very like me as a child. I'm trying every day to be a good role model for her.

Wishing you much strength!!

Raigo Tue 01-Dec-15 21:52:12

Thanks Buttercup443, that's a really good one. I can me ballsy if needed (not that I like to be), but I just didn't know how to nip it in the bud at the beginning. My mum was a little like that when we were growing up, but mainly my eldest sister, way too controlling, but its hard because she has no idea she is being like that and she means it with love. She's had so many run ins with people and is genuinely hurt and shocked when they blow there stack at her as she thinks she is helping. I remember my ex fiance being horrified at how she talked to me. I think my little boy is shy like me too so I am also doing all I can now to be a good role model & learn all I can to help him be confident, I removed all the negative controlling friends. But keen to make sure it stops from now on.
Good luck to you too sweetie, big strength to you as well, but you sound like you are doing brilliantly smile

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