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He's just not that into me..help me not care please?

(18 Posts)
Whattodoeh Mon 30-Nov-15 16:12:13

I have changed my name for this as I don't want to out myself.

My marriage ended a year ago but for several reasons, H and I continued to share a house until a month ago. DS is 8. It was all very amicable and continues to be that way.

During the year I realised I was attracted to a work colleague and he told me he felt the same. Nothing happened between us as, even though H and I had decided our marriage was over, it didn't feel right to be dabbling elsewhere. There was a lot of texting and flirting, and an occasional snog but nothing more than that.

I really like him. I enjoy his company, fancy him and would like to pursue a 'relationship' and see what happens. I'm under no illusions that it's love's young dream (I am 45 and he is 42) but you don't know until you try.

However in recent weeks, he's cooled off considerably. The texting has all but stopped, he's very nice to me in work but only as a friend. There is no flirting any more and when I asked him about 'us' he said he needed to focus all his energies on work at the moment (he's been ill).

I'm not stupid, I can see that now I'm available he's not interested. But how do I stop caring about the situation and him? I have got myself a new job which I start in January so I will be away from him, I am keeping myself busy (I work full time, have DS and play a lot of sport) but I just can't get him out of my head. And I just keep hanging on to the glimmer of hope that, because he hasn't actually said he doesn't want me, he really does.

Any tips?

wintersocks Mon 30-Nov-15 17:21:26

Well you can't force yourself to stop thinking about him, just accept that you will for a while, but that it will gradually get easier -especially when you change jobs.
He's your rebound man and it hurts when it ends, but there'll be other men and in the meantime you can take some time out to heal from the end of your marriage. Just plan a few fun things eg get friends over, start a new book/box set, etc and keep going as you are, in 6 months it will all be different flowers

TooSassy Mon 30-Nov-15 17:30:00

Yes.

Go into work and be fabulous. It's Christmas season, be happy!

There are many many many lovely men out there, especially over Christmas. Go have fun. Do you really want to go from one LTR into something else serious?

Of course you think about him, but he's your rebound guy so that's bound to happen. Find another one or two to lust after and it will soon put pay to thinking about him!

Cabrinha Mon 30-Nov-15 17:31:31

I actually found "He's Just Not That Into You" a useful read at a similar point for me. It was like bludgeoning myself with the cruel to be kind stick, but it made me VERY clear in my mind that it was hopeless to moon around hoping (I have form for that!)
It was like having read The Truth I was too embarrassed to let my mind wander over "if only..."

Whattodoeh Mon 30-Nov-15 20:34:18

Thank you.

I've picked up a few good pieces of advice from here today so I need to focus on me now. And every time that thought comes into my head I need to beat it away.

I'm not really sad about it. Just a bit meh really. Wish I'd shagged him now grin

noclueses Tue 01-Dec-15 11:44:35

but OP, maybe he really is recovering from being ill and needs to focus on work! If it's only been a couple of weeks of cooling off - surely this can happen to anyone, why not relax and do other things and he may get back on track.
I'm sorry, but it is a MYTH that there are lots and lots of lovely, single AND interested in you, men out there when in your 40s! They seriously are like gold dust as anyone lovely around this age tends to be partnered or not interested in relationships. Yes there are some nice divorced guys but you also need to like, fancy him, have compatible lifestyles etc - and it becomes a needle in a haystack. I've been divorced for 7yrs, OP, and I can't find a suitable single guy for love nor money so to speak, and I'm in the attractive camp - hence interest from some married men.
Maybe controversial but if you see someone you really like and he showed interested, give him a chance, even work for it a little by being patient, it can well be worth it. I don't mean chase him openly, but wait a little more. We are all human and can be affected by mood/illness/stress temporarily, many couples went through a temp blips, they don't always share this!

honeyroar Tue 01-Dec-15 17:16:46

You've been through a lot emotionally over the last few years. You probably don't really even want him, he's just a someone and you're subconsciously feeling a bit lonely. I went through a stage like that when I first broke up with my ex. Hold your head up. Try and get out and have a good time with friends over Xmas. Focus on that new job. Don't let yourself be walked over by the first man you've shown an interest in since your split. And there are men out there to be found, I did. I just had to stop chasing the no hopers and concentrate on myself, get myself happy and stop looking for a man to do that for me, if you see what I mean. Someone once sent me a poem that said " don't wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden", it was good advice. Chin up OP.x

marzipanmaggie Tue 01-Dec-15 23:35:42

noclueses sorry but that's one of the worst bits of advice I've ever read on relationships. Telling someone she needs to hang around, simpering in the background for someone who's clearly at best half in, when her confidence is probably shot to bits is a fast-track to terrible self-esteem.

OP, take control of the situation. Don't be a bitch to him but don't hang about waiting for him to make his mind up. Get back in touch with yourself and do what you need to move your life forward. If he's interested he will be attracted to your self confidence, if he's not he's not worth bothering with anyway. Sure, there's a chance he's genuinely having a bad time at work and preoccupied. But whatever is the case, hanging about staking your hopes on him is not going to make him want you.

Cabrinha Wed 02-Dec-15 07:56:17

Noclueses what an apt name!
Terrible advice, as PP has explained well.

I wanted to add though - you say you're attractive and that's why you get attention from married men...
No, married men who try it on with other women are just arsehole chancers and how attractive you are doesn't come into it. They're just after a hole, your attractiveness or otherwise really isn't the main feature - just whether you have no boundaries. Good for you that you do!

Whattodoeh Wed 02-Dec-15 14:20:32

Thank you, lots to think about.

I am trying to go down the 'be confident and let him see what he's missing' route and am mostly doing ok with it. Am having eyelash extensions on Friday (vain I know but I have stubby eyelashes) and I've booked to go away for a few days with a friend after Christmas.

He's not being horrible to me, just very aloof and almost nonplussed. So if that's the way he wants to play it then fine, I can do that too. Who knows I may like myself more that way. I'm not hugely upset, as in I'm not sobbing and moping about. I'm just a bit pissed off that he's changed so much.

I love the quote about the flowers too. flowers

noclueses Wed 02-Dec-15 18:01:40

eh, Cabrinha? I didn't say I welcome interest from married men, I was complaining about it! I mentioned attarctiveness from the point of view that it's very hard to meet a single lovely man (as a poster said above there aer many about) when you aer in your 40s, even if attarctive (OP is attarctive too no doubt, but it doesn;t make it easier!) So before being rude, make sure you understood the post! I didn't go on one date with a married man, I'm not interested in flings, but like OP, want a relationship.
Also, marzipan and Cabrinha, I never said she should simper - what exactly had he dome wrong though? it's only been two weeks or so when after he was ill and busy at work - I was saying, give him a BIT of time, not simper. Because if they like each other, and he didn't state otherwise, it's worth a try. Read the many threads on MN from single 40s women, and what hel on earth it is to find a good single man out there. I think misleading OP into some fantasy isn't helpful - but I never said she must follow my advice, she can make her own decision. I'm allowed to advise based on MY own experience, and other women's I know/hear from.

noclueses Wed 02-Dec-15 18:04:39

ha and yes you do become a 'no clues' person after trying to date with a view of LTR in your 40s!

Whattodoeh Thu 10-Dec-15 11:35:22

No sure if anyone's still arround, but I think I've worked out the real reason for his ambivalence. The pretty, 22 year old graduate in our team.

I have noticed he's been paying her a lot of attention recently and she seems flattered by it.

I feel sad and annoyed in equal measures and I plan to challeneg him at some point and make him tell me he doesn't want to be with me any more. Right or wrong but I need some closure. Less than two weeks and I'm out of this team and away from all of them.

FredaMayor Thu 10-Dec-15 12:00:17

he doesn't want to be with me any more

Were you ever in a relationship with this man, OP? It seems you may have had an obsession with him that was unrequited, and if you are leaving - as you imply in your last post - it could be a good thing.

FluffyPersian Thu 10-Dec-15 12:22:54

I wouldn't challenge him... that's hardly acting like you don't care and will totally boost his ego. Plus, whether you challenge him or not, nothing will change and unfortunately he still won't reciprocate how you feel - therefore you can either act with dignity, leave it.. and get on with things, or 'confront him', in which case you run the risk of looking jealous and potentially obsessed with him....

I can understand why you feel both sad and annoyed (maybe a bit jealous?) and that's fair enough... but I don't think confronting him will be a good idea - Closure should be the fact that he has changed how he has been acting and you KNOW he's 'not that into you' any more..

Whattodoeh Thu 10-Dec-15 13:38:56

Yes you're right. I need to just forget about him and move on. But it hurts.

Annarose2014 Thu 10-Dec-15 13:57:48

Of course it bloody hurts! He was the first guy you snogged other than your ex in years!

I'd be well indignant too tbh. BUT I would also recognize that it was probably a bit irrational of me to be indignant given that he never promised me jack shit and is a single man.

If its any consolation he'll probably not get anywhere with the 22 yr old. He's twice her age. But its a good thing you're leaving work as if/when he got nowhere with her he may have suddenly started paying attention to you again and that would have wrecked your head.

BornToFolk Thu 10-Dec-15 14:05:28

Oh, I really feel for you! Nothing worse than being ignored by someone who you thought was interested in you. And while "forgetting and moving on" is the right thing to do, it's not easy and yeah, it hurts.

My advice might be a bit controversial so please take with a pinch of salt..but have you tried any online dating sites? I use a fair few (Tinder, POF, OKCupid...all free ones) and I'm generally finding it good fun and it's really helped me to get over a breakup. I haven't actually managed to secure any real life dates but I've "met" lots of nice, interesting men and it's a massive confidence boost to have flirty conversations and just generally have people interested in you. You do need a fairly thick skin though, as it can be a bit tough (people stopping talking to you after exchanging several messages, the occasional offensive message etc)

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