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What to do?

(37 Posts)
tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 16:11:40

I'm posting this on behalf of my Sister because she can't, she's having trouble with her DH and she doesn't know what to do.

Basically all their arguments come down to sex. Every few weeks he gets in a mood with her and she eventually gets it out of him that it's because of sex. The recurring thing is that when they moved into their house it needed a lot of renovation, during this time she didn't initiate sex and because of that he thinks she needs to make it up to him 10 years later.

They argued today because he says she never makes an effort sexually. Previous arguments have been because her underwear wasn't sexy enough on a weekend away, she wears a dressing gown in the morning before getting ready for work and isn't making enough of an effort, he doesn't want granny sex (sex in bed).

It's all bizarre to me, poor Dp is lucky if he gets it at all and if he told me that i wasn't sexy enough he knows where the door is.

I'll be sending her a link to this thread but i don't know if she will be able to post.

Sixpencenonethericher Mon 30-Nov-15 16:51:32

He sounds really controlling

TooSassy Mon 30-Nov-15 17:02:37

Hmmmm. Interesting.

Does he ever try to instigate it? What happens if he does?
How often do they have sex?

Baconyum Mon 30-Nov-15 17:07:25

What should she do? Several options

Complete ban on sex


Tell him why he's so unattractive that she doesn't want to initiate (I'm guessing he's no sex god himself! Or does he groom every day and have abs to die for and Hollywood idol looks? Thought not! )

Have an affair and get om to tell him exactly how sexy she is!


AnyFucker Mon 30-Nov-15 17:08:25

why might she be unable to post ?

Mermaidhair1 Mon 30-Nov-15 17:08:33

Sex is a part of a healthy relationship. I don't agree with her having to repay him for sex from 10 years ago though.
It sounds like she is pulling away the more he puts pressure on her.
Why doesn't she want to be intimate with him?
Do they ever have sex?

ivykaty44 Mon 30-Nov-15 17:08:34

Someone will say he has a porn addiction, another will say ltb

Tbh they probaby need to sit down and decide whether they want to continue with their relationship as it sounds unhealthy for both. He has expectations of his spouse that are not on her agenda.

If they still live each other maybe they can talk about how to move forward

tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 17:13:28

They do have sex, not sure how often. He never iniates it and most of the time when she does he turns her down.

Moob Mon 30-Nov-15 17:18:01

I cans definitely see both side to this.

He clearly shouldn't be pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to, but if he enjoys seeing her dressed up a bit, having been her initiate occasionally, and feeling like she finds him attractive and enjoys sex with him is it really too much to ask within an otherwise healthy relationship. His desires obviously need to be balanced against hers, and if she prefers "granny sex" then there is plenty of scope for both and a bit of compromise from both people in the relationship assuming everything falls within pre agreed boundaries.

I say this as a bloke who's sex life is entirely at the say so of my wife of 20 years. We do it only when she wants and how she wants.

She knows full well I would love the odd text during the day to give an idea what might be in store later, or to occasionally wear nice underwear but it never happens (other than when we were trying for children)

To be honest, it seems like such a small thing to do to show you care about someone else and constant refusal just makes the other partner feel unloved and as if they fulfilled their purpose when you conceived.

In our case I can't think of a single thing she could suggest or ask of me sexually that I wouldn't at least try if I knew she wanted to. The fact that she is the exact opposite and doesn't seem to want to make any effort to please me is difficult to compute, and makes we wonder if she is getting her kicks elsewhere.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 30-Nov-15 17:20:32

I predict both you and your friend will be able to post on this thread at some point soon.

tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 17:21:46

Thing is she does do these things for him. She wore sexy underwear but it wasn't sexy enough. To me it seems like she does what he wants but it's never good enough.

ifyouregoingthroughhell Mon 30-Nov-15 17:22:31

He tells her to initiate sex and then turns her down. Lowers her self esteem. Head games. Control.

tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 17:22:56

And whys that Red?

Mermaidhair1 Mon 30-Nov-15 17:25:03

He turns her down?
Goodness knows what's going on in his head then.

TooSassy Mon 30-Nov-15 17:24:59

Ok. So things don't add up.

He wants more sex. Accuses her of not being sexy enough. But when she does initiate it he may sometimes turn her down.

It's odd. Want to know what I would do in her situation? Say to him, fine let's go underwear shopping and pick something out together.

And see how he reacts. If he jumps at the chance and they have fun then great.
If he refuses/ sulks/ finds something else to argue about then it points to something else entirely.

Your sister needs to bottom out whether this is really about sex with her or something else entirely.

To be fair he could be trying to communicate his feelings and doing a bad job. How many times have there been threads on here saying that if a guy was unhappy he should have said something and not just had an affair. Well maybe this is the guy saying something....

AnyFucker Mon 30-Nov-15 17:25:24

I say this as a bloke who's sex life is entirely at the say so of my wife of 20 years. We do it only when she wants and how she wants.

What alternative would you envisage, Moob

RedMapleLeaf Mon 30-Nov-15 17:30:24

if she prefers "granny sex"


hesterton Mon 30-Nov-15 17:31:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moob Mon 30-Nov-15 17:32:39

I say this as a bloke who's sex life is entirely at the say so of my wife of 20 years. We do it only when she wants and how she wants.

What alternative would you envisage, Moob

Ha. You know what I mean, don't start suggesting I am trying to make her do things she doesn't want to.

I am saying that if she told me it would make her happy if I wore a particular thing, or did something particular - it would make my day because I love her, want to make her happy and would appreciate the fact that she clearly wanted me.

I find it difficult to understand that with the above being the case she knows loads of things I would love to try or have happen that would take minimal effort on her part (sending a text at lunchtime for example) and yet she chooses not to. Makes me feel unloved and resentful,

AnyFucker Mon 30-Nov-15 17:32:47

OP, this is your relationship, right ? Are you ok ?

tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 17:33:38

She's been shopping with him to buy sexy underwear and he sulks because she's not showing enough enthusiasm shopping. Honestly she does whatever he wants but it's still not good enough. I can't work it out either that's why I suggested posting here.

callMeMaybe Mon 30-Nov-15 17:34:31

WTF is with the need to wear more sexy underwear? or to do certain things otherwise it's not good enough? hmm if she was refusing to have sex with him generally then I might be able to see his frustration, but not doing it to his exact specifications?

I had one of those. Bought me underwear that he liked. stockings and suspenders, and then complained that I never wore them. Complained when i wouldn't have sex on my period and refused to come anywhere near me not even for a cuddle because he wouldn't be able to have sex with me. Complained that I was boring in bed because I wouldn't let him give me oral.

Sex is an important part in any relationship but it is also a powerful tool which is often used to control people.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Nov-15 17:35:40

I am not twisting your words, moob. You wrote them, not me. I will always challenge statements like that when I see them. I am sorry you both seem to be having problems though, FWIW. Maybe start your own thread ?

tryingtohelpout Mon 30-Nov-15 17:36:18

No anyfucker its not my relationship, like I said I'm baffled about it.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Nov-15 17:36:57


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