Feeling resentful - am I just being selfish?

[AuditorofReality]

Help!

I am prepared for some honest opinions as I cant seem to get a handle on this.

I am a well qualified mum of 2, great husband, lovely job etc. etc. My DH has recently moved across the country to pursue his career - he did have a choice not to go and get another job, but choose to move instead. The DC and I don't see him all that much but we are holding it together somewhat.

I love my DH lots, we have been together for 17 years and are generally very happy - but I am tired of doing everything myself, doing all the things in the house, with the animals, with the children etc. and denying myself (this is important) opportunities for progression at work or new jobs etc. because there is no one at home to help me if I take on more work or take promotion. Whereas I have supported him 100% in everything he has pursued, even at the detriment of my own feelings or workload.

So the result is I feel resentful of him being able to pursue his career and be devoid of many of the responsibilities (because he is not here) and it is eating me up and I am frightened that I am going to spend the rest of my life resenting him and it will jeopardise our marriage (which is generally very supportive and happy).

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't really understand and thinks I should be more grateful that he provides for us and works hard to do so.

I know this is a pretty small problem in the grand scheme of things - but I need to know if I am being too selfish - any insight would be appreciated.

[LadyB49]

From a. practical point of view can your husband afford to pay for child care, a cleaner, dog walker...or whatever...someone to do the ironing, a handy man to do the fiddly jobs.
This would go some way to show support and understanding.
You would still be carrying the responsibility but would not be under the same pressure leaving you able to think of yourself.

However it still leaves you and your husband more or less living apart. How often is he home.

[FredaMayor]

If DH cut you out of the decision-making or wanted you to be 'grateful' regarding his job, it seems to me that your marriage was not as general happy for him as you thought it was.

Don't sacrifice yourself to him any further, I think he understands what you have been saying perfectly but doesn't want to hear. I think you should be prepared for more revelations about your relationship.

[Baconyum]

Erm you work ft too but he sees himself as 'the provider'?! Did he make this decision alone?

[AuditorofReality]

I don't think we could afford to pay for everything else on top - but yes I see what you are saying about that. Its not just emotional support, but practical support also.

we see each other every 6 weeks or so for about 3 weeks and then wait another 6 weeks before seeing each other again IYSWIM.

Although I think I do agree that he does understand what I have been saying - just not willing to accept it......or do anything about it

[AuditorofReality]

No the decision was made jointly - but really I saw it as me being supportive of his career. I don't think I really understood the implications.

To be honest - things haven't really changed that much with him being away - I am still doing everything in the same way - just that he does not come home every night now

[iminshock]

Who chose to have the animals?
My friend has ten horses and two dogs ( her choice ! ) and complains her domestic workload ( about three quarters animal care probably ) is so much more than her husband's !

[iminshock]

Perhaps he is envious of you being home more?

[QueenofallIsee]

I don't think that you are being selfish at all - your DH should recognize that this 'providing' is coming at a fairly steep cost to your family life and marriage. Suck it up and be grateful is hardly recognizing that!

Is this job situation indefinite? you are expected to live like this ad infinitum? If so then you need to spell out to him that while supportive of his dreams and grateful that he is working hard, your agreement initially didn't take account of how unhappy you would be with the long distance arrangement and thus your voice should be heard here! if he loves you, he will want you to be happy - ask him to start looking for something 'at home' again

[OneMoreCasualty]

This was a pretty drastic change - surely you both thought it was possible it wouldn't work? Would he look for something more local? Could you get a job near his and everyone move?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

How long is this situation expected to last?

Surely you have to get additional childcare arranged to allow you to progress your career?

If my DH worked away then we would cost in the extra childcare. My career is not an optional extra. Under absolutely no circumstances would I tolerate DH acting as if my career were merely a nice to have.

He never did his fair share at home anyway you say? Little woman know your place is the clear message there.

What will you do now?

[ImperialBlether]

I am really shocked that he made that unilateral decision to move. Is he getting help with his accommodation or are you both having to pay for that, too? What exactly are you meant to be grateful for? If you can't afford a cleaner then it doesn't sound like he's providing huge amounts of money for you. In which way does he think he's contributing?

Would it have been easy for him to find another job nearby?

[April2013]

I think you are not being selfish at all and he needs a reality check - is the current working away a temporary thing? You need to fit more of you doing things for you into your life and to do that he needs to take on more of the house\animals\children, I think it is telling that there isn't much difference btw him being home or away in terms of your domestic workload. I guess there is work for money and work for self esteem and it sounds like he is getting to do both whilst you focus on the former which isn't fair or sensible unless he has much more earning potential than you and you all need his higher salary (this is our situation but I'm hoping this will change in the future). Is there a way you could swap over maybe next year if a work opportunity crops up for you? I'd say when he is at home he should be doing 50% of house \children \animals. It's tough as I know my DH has to make sacrifices on the work front, he doesn't work the hours expected in his career, but we don't want to end up with me being sahm all day and then evenings too as standard, but it is difficult for him to manage this at times eg pregnant wife at home struggling with morning sickness and toddler and desperate for help with dinner vs pressure at work to work late. It is a very common problem, hope a workable solution appears for you both.

[AuditorofReality]

Just to answer a few of the points

1. The animals are shared, although one is his. He did actually do his fair share of animal care whilst at home so cant fault him on that
   
2. The job situation is pretty indefinate- I cannot see that i can move closer to him until my DS has finished GCSE's (16 months)
   
3. I know he does want me to be happy - but he doesn't seem able to understand that what he wants might have an effect on that
   
4. Maybe he is envious of me being at home - but I would think that would have changed his decision making process?
   
5. The children are a little older now so it is more running them about etc. then childcare
   

What will I do - I seriously don't know. I think partly the problem is that I am not happy with what I have and that if I continue to put up with it I will put everything at risk by resenting him forever - but I dont want the marriage to dissolve because I am being unreasonable with my epxectations

[OneMoreCasualty]

Can he do things remotely that enable you more eg paying for taxis to their activities or taking them and 2 friends on a three week rota (so he gives all the lifts for three weeks, one friend does three weeks, other friend does three weeks)? Pay a dog walker etc?

[AuditorofReality]

Thanks for all the questions- it is really helping to clarify what the problem is.

I think he could do all of those things - but I would (as experience shows me) have to organise it all and therefore I would end up in the trap of it just being easier to do it myself etc. etc. I am sure many people are guilty of that.

In terms of 3 weeks we see him- it is in 'our' new home, not our family home - which makes it slightly more awkward - and its in a different country.

[OneMoreCasualty]

So every three weeks you and the kids travel to him?

[Ubertwat]

he did have a choice not to go and get another job, but choose to move instead

He chose to move away from the family home, away from his wife and child for a job?

I'm actually speechless. He sounds selfish and uncaring. You fucking bet I'd personally end up resenting this.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

This doesn't sound good to me. My DP did this years ago (before DC, so not quite the same). We spoke every day, and saw each other every weekend. I had a demanding job too so I didn't really miss him at all!

However, as he turned out to be a bit of a selfish twat I think this move was a symptom of this. I should have been more aware.

In your case, would be asking myself some searching questions as to whether your DP is committed to your relationship long-term.

[TheVeryThing]

You're definitely not being unrealistic in your expectations.

In essence, your H has opted out of family life and all the responsibilities that go with it, (apart from providing money).

It doesn't sound as if you sat down and really talked thorough the implications of this move properly, though.

This is not a situation I would be prepared to tolerate, unless there was no other option, and even then it would have to be a short term thing.

Do you actually want to go and live in the country in the future?

You really need to decide what you want for your life and then communicate that clearly to your H.

[AuditorofReality]

When it is phrased as 'he choose to move away form the family home' then it seems more stark and difficult. He says he is only doing it for us, for the money, so we can be more comfortable and have what we need - but I agree it might be symptomatic of something else.

I get the impression that I should be able to cope effortlessly we everything- and really shouldn't keep moaning about it, but that is not the way I feel.

• on the other note for the last 6 months we have visited him - he will come to us in February. It is a 5 hour flight to get to where he is based, so not insignificant

[PaperPlaneDown]

I could only handle this in the short term, say a year or something like that.
How do you manage with school if you go to visit him for 3 weeks?

[OneMoreCasualty]

Ok I thought he was back 3 weeks out of 9 (like an oil rig) but that was clearly wrong!

[OneMoreCasualty]

And you have every right to find it hard - you are doing two jobs, home and family, and him just one.

[OneMoreCasualty]

Paper beat me to it re school!

For how long did you guys discuss it before he went?

[OneMoreCasualty]

And if people in the family are being made miserable by the set up, this has to be weighed against any future riches that may or may not compensate.

For example, if I'd always had a dream of retiring to Italy and this period made that dream 5 years closer, I might be able to tolerate it for 2-3 years. But not if it just made it possible to holiday there for 3 weeks instead of two, IYSWIM,