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Certain that I'm being "ghosted"

(140 Posts)
hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 09:32:02

Morning everyone,

I'm quite beside myself this morning (PMS is also in full swing so this is badly timed!)

I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago, really hit it off, went on a date last weekend, it was good.

He asked me to go to lunch on the Monday as we work near eachother, so we did. We did the same again on the Wednesday.

The friday I asked if he'd like to come to a house party with me, he said yes, when the day came he asked if we could meet for a drink or two near where he lives as he was so tired from the week (he is a carpenter and is up against it working on a house nearby). I said sure, and we had one drink, he was very sleepy, and I went home afterwards.

Saturday I asked if he'd like to do something Sunday evening, he took a while to reply but said how about in the afternoon instead? I replied saying I was busy until 5pm would that be too late?

That was at noon yesterday. At 5pm I texted him 'hello?' as its not like him to not respond, maybe he's sleeping all day etc etc.

Still nothing. I called this morning before work as thats when he usually calls me. Nothing. I text to say hope you had a nice weekend give me a shout when you're free.

I'm 90% sure I know what the outcome of this is going to be. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again.

My previous relationship was mentally abusive, and he would ignore me for days on end as punishment, when I hadn't actually done anything. So naturally, I've felt very emotional about all of this in this short space of time. Well, I've spent most of my morning crying.

I must say this happened last week on Thursday. I had texted him in the afternoon on Wednesday and he never replied for 24 hours. I ended up texting asking if I could call, and he said 'of course, just leaving work now' and I'd got myself so worked up those 24 hours just like I am now.

But this feels different. I really don't think I'll hear from him ever again.

It's such an awful way to treat someone, it really messes with my head and makes me very emotional.

plantsitter Mon 30-Nov-15 09:38:20

Tbh I think you've got yourself into a pattern which has nothing to do with this new guy. I would assume he's not interested and leave it there. He's behaved not very well but not THAT badly.

What you should probably focus on is what YOU get out of this constant yearning for someone and trying to get them to react to you. It may well be a pattern forged in your previous abusive relationship but you're not going to have a normal healthy relationship until you can look at your behaviour and work through it.

I hope that's not harsh. It's not meant to be. I've been where you are and you need to love yourself.

strawberryandaflake Mon 30-Nov-15 09:40:27

Leave it. The problem with OLD is that you can talk to so many people at once and the others will never know. He is probably seeing several people at once and you just haven't made it to the top of his list. You're not his GF so he won't feel any allegiance to you. Ignore him back. Get back on there and find someone who thinks you are awesome. I did. smileXx

MazyCrummy Mon 30-Nov-15 09:42:36

After such a short period of time, whether he's behaved badly is almost irrelevant. The issue is he's behaving in a way that doesn't suit you. Move on, and find someone who suits you better

WhataRacquet Mon 30-Nov-15 09:43:53

Maybe he felt that seeing someone every second day was a bit too much?

You seem to be thinking about him all the time and I think you need to relax about it and not try to second guess what he is thinking. He may feel a bit pressurised.

Hope things work out for you.

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 09:44:59

Now I feel silly for calling him, when he'd call me all the time. Before work, on lunch, before bed.
After our date we'd discussed how we felt about it, and appeared to be on the same page.

Feel like a fool. We'd talked so much about everything, mostly him asking me questions like I've never known any man to.

I've spent the last year working on myself after my awful ex, and felt ok, so I don't think I should feel too bad for this upsetting me. Its hard not to have some attachment to someone you spoke to so much for weeks on end.

He literally wouldn't have any time to be seeing anyone else but yeah, guess he's changed his mind and doesn't want to know.

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 09:47:13

"The issue is he's behaving in a way that doesn't suit you."

Agreed, just hurts a bit when I very rarely let someone in.

"Maybe he felt that seeing someone every second day was a bit too much?"

I had thought about that, then remembered the first few dates were his suggestion, so I was trying to make a bit of effort in suggesting we do something.

I should just cease all contact shouldn't I?

Ugh sad

imjustahead Mon 30-Nov-15 09:53:38

yes cease contact and don't blame yourself. xx

niceupthedance Mon 30-Nov-15 09:56:09

You saw him four times in a week - that's pretty heavy. Maybe he just wanted some time to himself, or he was getting the vibe you were moving way too fast.

Incidentally I dated someone who took 24 hours to reply to texts. It was a headfuck. Don't message him again.

Preciousxbane Mon 30-Nov-15 10:02:44

I would struggle with anyone contacting me that much so just be a little mindful next time.

Personally I think it's a bad idea to talk for ages online before meeting, meet more quickly but just be safe.

Pantone363 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:04:51

I understand why you feel upset and don't think you should feel bad about it. You thought it would go somewhere and instead he's done a disappearing act on you. He should have had the decency to say I don't think this is going anywhere but he didn't.

Why not give yourself 24 hrs to feel shit about it, cry all you want, but tomorrow pick yourself back up again. Delete his number and whatever you do, DO NOT call or text him again. Or respond to him if he texts. Then you just become the person who lets him treat them like that.

Tomorrow start looking again, fuck him, you're worth more than being ignored.

RB68 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:06:23

some people are not intravenously attached to phones though. 24hrs wouldn't bother me but then I don't have a history where someone used it as punishment - he doesn't know that does he. Maybe he is just busy. If you don't like it let it go and move on - the in your face communication of the first few weeks never lasts long anyway its more of an infatuation than a relationship

strawberryandaflake Mon 30-Nov-15 10:08:16

The biggest lesson I have ever learned (and didn't believe for yeeeeaaarss) was:

Let them chase you.

If you chase them they will think you are in the bag and lose the thrill of the hunt so to speak. Go on YouTube and wash Mark Gungor's A Tale of Two Brains. Apart from being brilliantly hilarious it's also an eye opener to how differently our brains are wires up. Xx

strawberryandaflake Mon 30-Nov-15 10:09:00

*watch. Bloody autocorrect!

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:12:56

Now I just have this overwhelming feeling of stupidity.
Yes that is a lot to see someone in one week, but I don't like to play games and say no Im busy when Im not.
He knew all of my relationship history, because he'd asked.
He said he got a bit of a friend vibe from me and I said I do like him and happy to just roll with it.

Its the ignoring. I could handle it not going anywhere, thats fine, but ignoring me. I clearly have deep rooted issues about being ignored, maybe more than your average person.

I think its woken something in my head a bit because I haven't cried like this in a long time, and I honestly wasn't even thinking of him becoming my bf. Just thought there was more respect there.

WorraLiberty Mon 30-Nov-15 10:16:31

I mean this kindly OP, but you don't sound emotionally strong enough at the moment, to be using Tinder.

It seems many people use it to meet more than one person and keep their options open, at least at first.

It all sounds pretty full on and perhaps that's why he's taken a bit step backwards.

He was wrong to ignore you though, but I would just write him off now and concentrate on yourself and your emotions for a while.

Preciousxbane Mon 30-Nov-15 10:16:57

I do agree with the let them chase you, I don't dislike men but find them irritating for various reasons so have always been disinterested in them. That always seems to make them more interested in me, been called a challenge, ice maiden, cold, but they seem to like it. I am always bemused by it personally.

Preciousxbane Mon 30-Nov-15 10:20:46

I thought Tinder was for really casual encounters.

Leave going on Tinder for a bit, I would not encourage you to ever fib to potential dates but you don't have to tell them everything. My first DH used to beat me up and I only told current DH the full truth last year, we have been together for 19 years.

TracyBarlow Mon 30-Nov-15 10:23:21

Bollocks to 'don't chase them' etc. If the person is the right one for you then you won't have to worry about all that shit. I think playing games like that early on in a relationship sets it up on dodgy ground TBH. Just be yourself.

I think you are being ghosted, and it's happened to me before. It's hideous. I just think some people are complete bullshitters and at least you've found this out now. Although beware - people like him often reappear in a few days / weeks as though nothing at all has happened, and they're all, like, 'whaaat? I was just busy.' Oh aye mate. I didn't come down in the last shower.

Give yourself a couple of days to wallow, then pick yourself up and crack on. This is a valuable lesson to learn. People who want to be with you will just be with you, without all this crap behaviour.

flowers for you.

Golightlymydear Mon 30-Nov-15 10:29:16

This all sounds very full on very quickly, and like you were driving a lot of that, so maybe he just panicked and got cold feet?
Either way, you're clearly not suited to each other so chalk it up to experience and move on. I like being upfront and honest with new people too, but you shouldn't make someone your whole world so quickly or you're really setting yourself up for a fall. I'd take a break from Tinder for a while TBH, OLD is merciless and you have to be quite thick-skinned to take all the crap needed to find a good 'un. Maybe you're not in the right place just now?

MerryMarigold Mon 30-Nov-15 10:30:07

I was also going to say about Tinder. It has a such a bad rep.

The ignoring is not good and would upset me too, but I have some ishoos with that (my mum used to ignore me a lot as she couldn't really handle my emotional outbursts, but they were a cry for help!). I feel for you with that as I really, really hate being ignored and was last dumped like that when I was 17 but boy, did it hurt.

Perhaps he was so intense over the week to see whether he wanted this or not. Or maybe he wanted sex and wasn't getting it, I don't know. Or maybe something has come up in his life which is genuinely difficult for him and he doesn't know how to deal with you as well so he's just backed off.

Good luck OP, but do avoid Tinder.

Quornmakesmefart Mon 30-Nov-15 10:33:15

*The biggest lesson I have ever learned (and didn't believe for yeeeeaaarss) was:

Let them chase you.*

This with bells on.

It's not about playing games. It's about showing somebody you have a life of your own and you're not just waiting for the next available man to fill your time with. A relationship is a big deal - both sides need to take time to really get to know each other before deciding whether or not to make it a 'relationship'. And you need time to do that just as much as the man does - so give yourself that time before deciding it's a big romance in your head - in the nicest possible way.

And at the end of the day, you will never really know how interested he is until you give him the chance to make the effort with you.

Personally I don't think he's done anything wrong. I would guess he has been put off by how serious you seem so early on... some examples -

He knew all of my relationship history, because he'd asked

So what if he asked? It's your personal and private life story. Why tell it all to a virtual stranger? Protect your feelings and your privacy a bit more and keep the deep and heavy back history to yourself until you know you can trust somebody with the deeper stuff.

After our date we'd discussed how we felt about it, and appeared to be on the same page

Again. why so serious so quickly? A date isn't supposed to be a job interview, it's supposed to be fun! Discuss it with your mates as much as you like, but keep it light with somebody you hardly know yet. You can't 'force' intimacy.

strawberryandaflake Mon 30-Nov-15 10:34:23

There's no need to swear, Tracy.
If you meet someone that you just click with then great. It's not necessarily about playing games, just about having a different attitude. Please don't be so rude.

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:36:27

It did feel full on and quick, but to be honest my relationships have always started in that way, that they want to see me and speak to me all the time, like there are no rules.

Of course, his ignoring is about him and not me, and maybe something has happened or he's gone into his cave because he's stressed or something. But I'll never know what it is, unless he one day decides to tell me.

He had mentioned he had been to family therapy, and that when the therapist asked his Mum how much of her attention she gave to him, she replied 2%. Also his brother died at 18, when he was 10. I understand this isn't quite relevant but a friend had said "Jesus, why would you think he's an okay person? Thats a lot".

I must calm down.

I simply enjoyed his company a lot and talking with him about anything and everything felt great - regardless if it was going to go anywhere.

hiphoplollipop30 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:39:29

But he had chased me? The first three dates came from him, I arranged a fourth.

He was the one to question if Id had a good time with him, did I want to do it again etc.

I can't quite explain it but it felt like a no bullshit zone of communication?

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