Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

just realised that either he never believed me, or he thinks that I deserved this, and I am broken

(48 Posts)
Cuppachaplz Sun 29-Nov-15 22:21:05

DH and his (at the time) 16y old son moved in 4 y ago. I had prior to this previously got on well with both of his children (DSD is at university). Fairly soon after they moved in DSS began causing more and more problems. He had never been expected to help around the house before (he had had medical issues as a child) and I assumed that this was the reason, however he became increasingly abusive, starting with mind games, progressing lurking behind me with knives etc, then eventually to pushing me around. The problem was that this was always when no one was around; DH would be at work, DS in bed. DH was completely ineffective at dealing with it and things eventually progressed to the point that I would stay at work until I knew DH would be home, come in and cook, then go to bed and block the door. I continued to to beg DH for help, and eventually stated repeatedly that the other choice was that they left. I had been to the doctors a couple of times to see if it was possible that I was imagining this behaviour/going crazy. For this reason when I fell pregnant I was referred to a SS mw. When I was about 16w pregnant, DSS came back into the house after leaving (the arrangement was that he stayed out once he had gone do I knew it was ok to leave the locked bedroom) and repeatedly smashed s door into my face. I managed to hold the door shut against him and he left when I shouted that I was calling the police.
The mw arrived a little later when I was still shaken and bloody and eventually convinced me to report this.
Upshot was DSS moved out. SS insisted he had no contact with me and baby (although for the sake of my marriage I asked if if he in future agreed to counselling and supervision could this be reconsidered). I attempted to move forward with DH, but he refuses to talk about how his lack of support made me feel. My pregnancy was horrendous and DS was born early with additional needs do I was a little preoccupied to really address this. I have been back to GP as still having panic attacks and nightmares, and am really struggling when I'm alone, even though all locks have been changed.
DH family have totally ignored me since this, which upsets me as I have no idea what they have been told. DSD who I used to talk to constantly hasn't spoken to me for 18m.
Tonight DH spat at me that I was making everything up and that he was going to speak to SS. Tbh, this is find as maybe seeing facts is what he needs, but I'm in pieces that he still thinks I'm lying. I understand that he wants to support his son, and I've encouraged him to see him, but I can't see why he is with me if he thinks I'm making this up.
I'm in pieces as it's finally sunk in that he not only enabled this abuse for s long time, but is continuing to rationalise it. Either he really thinks I am such a filthy liar (what's in it got me though?), or he thinks I deserved it.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting, just a rambling rant I guess.
Sorry for the epic post.

AnyFucker Sun 29-Nov-15 22:25:04

Like father, like son

Your husband is also abusing you.

ChippyOikInAWowGuna Sun 29-Nov-15 22:30:42

Don't waste your life trying to make him believe it. Walk away and leave them to shout at each other and slam doors in each others faces.
my x abused me himself and still acts like i'm a fantasist, so don't underestimate the power of a history re-write.

tribpot Sun 29-Nov-15 22:32:24

Well, he's picked a side. It's not yours. This was not unexpected given I attempted to move forward with DH, but he refuses to talk about how his lack of support made me feel. So - you didn't move forward at all, but you continued to let him live in the house, fuck knows what your older ds makes of this (I've got this right, you already had a ds and now have a second one, the second one with your current DH?).

His family's disowned you and now he is too. Best thing that could happen to you, painful as it is. They all sound very damaged.

LineyReborn Sun 29-Nov-15 22:33:41

I honestly can't see why you are with your DP. I am sorry.

DancingDinosaur Sun 29-Nov-15 22:36:02

You need to leave your dh. He hasn't got your best interests at heart. It might not feel like it now, but you will be emotionally better off without him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 29-Nov-15 22:47:03

Yes you are right that your DH enabled it from the very start.

What are you going to do?

Cuppachaplz Sun 29-Nov-15 23:12:52

Sorry my op was do rambling...

That's right tribpot older DS from a previous relationship. As I said, initially DSS only did things when there was no one to see making me look like a nut job. As far as he is concerned DSS moved out because he is 20 and didn't like his dad and I being together or the fact that we were having s baby (all of which is also true). He wasn't in earlier.

DSD commented at the time that he had always been manipulative and was leaning in DH to do something, but since this incident hasn't spoken to me (odd) so I have no idea what has been said.

DH had been fantastic about everything else, which is why I never understood this total blind spot with his son (he would take this from DSD or anyone else) which was why i put it fiend to his illness.

No idea what I can do.
I can't be with him if he doesn't trust me.
The house is mine, but I gave no idea how to actually get him out of it.

Cuppachaplz Sun 29-Nov-15 23:19:30

I've been struggling to cope for a while but things came to a head today when he said that I never wanted to see his family (Xmas argument) and he thinks I don't think they're good enough. I stay away as font want to be ignored, and I'm rubbish at confrontation. Also it's a very long drive-I don't see why I should spend several hours in the car with a young baby to be miserable. Better he goes with DSS. I asked him to look at the flip side, my point of view that I felt that they were punishing me (his mum has met baby once and refused to look at it be in the same room as him, which is why I'm reluctant to go back). He went mad about me stopping his sons meeting with a pack of lies. It wasn't me who put this in place (although I am pleased about it, after if he doesn't believe DSS hurt me, then he doesn't believe he will hurt my baby)
I'm going to call SS in the morning to ask them to speak to him.
I really don't want this stirred up again...

UmbongoUnchained Sun 29-Nov-15 23:23:24

Some parents will just never admit it. My ex was very abusive, he was even arrested right in front of them and I have recordings of his abuse and screen shots. They still won't believe that he did anything wrong and blamed me instead for messing up their "little pudding".
They haven't seen their granddaughter for nearly a year now because they sticking on his side and he doesn't want anything to do with her. If the house is yours and in your name I'd seek legal advise but i believe you're entitled to just change the locks when he's out. That's what I did with my ex. Chucked all his shit out of my bedroom window and changed the locks.

springydaffs Sun 29-Nov-15 23:43:15

Grey area bcs you're married, therefore house part of martial assets? Get legal advice on this op - CAB as a first port of call. (Or post on the legal board on MN)

As hard as it is, you have to split. You were violently assaulted when you were pg and he refuses to believe you or protect you. You have no choice here flowers

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 30-Nov-15 00:07:21

This is gaslighting and you need to get away from both of them as a matter of urgency.

ginandjuice Mon 30-Nov-15 00:08:02

What a nasty little fucker. Get away from this situation. I hope he gets his face kicked in at some point in his life if he every tries to put his hand on a woman again.

ginandjuice Mon 30-Nov-15 00:10:09

What a nasty little fucker. Hopefully he will get his head kicked in the next time he puts his hand on a woman.
If my dss ever raised a hand to me, I know my dh would have him pinned against a wall before he even made contact. That's the way it should be. Get out of this situation now, get your baby away from this.

ginandjuice Mon 30-Nov-15 00:10:33

Sorry thought my first post got deleted

DancingDinosaur Mon 30-Nov-15 00:13:55

Hmm, I don't know how you can get him out of the house, although I will think about it and come up with a solution. But undoubtedly there are people on mn who have done exactly this and can tell you what you need to do. Hopefully those people will be here soon.

lazymoz Mon 30-Nov-15 00:14:08

It seems like you step son has had a good teacher in his father. Consult CAB or a solicitor to get some legal advice. Hope it all works out for you

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 30-Nov-15 00:25:29

He's threatened her with knives and hit her with a door. He's an adult at 20. A police report should be enough to get him forcibly removed.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 30-Nov-15 00:43:48

Sheba that's the step son. The husband hasn't been violent. The step son is out of the house already.

Atenco Mon 30-Nov-15 05:52:24

I'm sorry OP, I couldn't live with someone who didn't believe me on something as fundamental as that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 30-Nov-15 06:11:27

Oh dear, I couldn't live with him either. If he doesn't believe his son has done anything violent towards you, then you can't let him take the baby on his own, because he might decide unilaterally to take his baby to meet his adult son and I wouldn't like to bet on the outcome of that.

If you can't trust him to have the baby by himself, I don't know what you do. If you split, then he will have access visits to the baby; but you won't want him to take the baby away, in case it involves your step-son.

You absolutely need legal help with this. And possibly SS might have to increase their involvement where your H is concerned, if he leaves, to ensure that he doesn't breach the order to keep his older son away from the baby.

So sorry for you. thanks

tribpot Mon 30-Nov-15 06:18:48

I think SS need to know that your DH denies the violence took place. That will help them assess the risk more accurately.

I really don't want this stirred up again...

This is never going to go away whilst you continue to live in this fragile 'phony peace' with your DH. You can keep trying to push it away and pretend your family's okay but it truly isn't.

LuluJakey1 Mon 30-Nov-15 07:09:38

Your husband is abusive to. He enabled the violence from his son and has never told him to get out of your lives and he blames you. Presumably if he smashed a door repeadtedly into your face you were badly marked at the very least. Does your husband think you did this to yourself? Was he charged by the police? If not why not?

I can see no future at all for your marriage on any knd of healthy basis. You need to get out now while you can and take your child somewhere safe.

I do think you might also have PTSD. flowers

Cuppachaplz Mon 30-Nov-15 07:26:57

Thumbwitches this is exactly where I am. Baby is still BF so it's easy not to leave him right now, but leaving him would be horrendous.

Lulu there was marking, and had s had a nosebleed mastiff for a long time, but not a great deal to see by the time he got home.
I didn't report it for a couple of weeks, not until mw said that she would if I didn't, and this this would raise questions as to why I hadn't.
The police questioned him, but I had said that I wouldn't go to court, so wouldn't take it further. DH said yesterday that the fact that wasn't charged means that they believed him not me. The police have said that this isn't true, that they cannot charge with insufficient evidence, but presumably not said this to him.
I don't know who to listen to and feel like no one believes me.
Until yesterday, I had thought that DH believed me but was struggling to come to terms with what his son had done. I feel utterly betrayed.

tribpot Mon 30-Nov-15 07:40:06

He wasn't charged because you wouldn't testify - nice of your DH to reward your loyalty in this despicable fashion.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now