MIL and her twin's birthday

[BasinHaircut]

MIL has a big birthday coming up. She will 100% want a party and I think would be really disappointed if she didn't get a surprise one.

It's not for a while yet but in the interests of making sure it gets done, I mentioned to her twin's daughter today who said that her mum didn't want a party and had booked for her and her family to go away over the birthday weekend.

Now without getting into the ins and outs, MIL's family are very 'close' (in the sense that you have to include everyone in everything or else you are not behaving acceptably), so it's firstly a bit weird that her twin has decided to do something without her on the actual birthday, and also that by declaring that she doesn't want a party, is making it akward for us to do one for MIL as it will sort of be her birthday party, even if it isn't, by default. They have a big family who would obviously all be there and mostly the same friends.

How do we play this? Do we convince twin's DH and kids to throw a joint party with us anyway, or speak to twin directly to let her know that we are doing it to make sure she knows why it's not her party too? That just seems weird though, not to mention probably having to field calls from everyone who got an invite, asking why it only had MIL's name on the invite and not twin.

I also think that MIL will be upset that twin has made plans for the actual day that don't involve her, but that's another issue for another time!

[AliceInUnderpants]

Is their big birthday their 13th?

They are adults, and can do their own thing.

Do we convince twin's DH and kids to throw a joint party with us anyway knowing that she doesn't want one?

[Cabrinha]

Your husband should call his aunt and say "I'm doing a party for my mum - would you like a joint one?"

If she says yes - do it.
If she says no - the rest of the family will just have to grow up and accept these two grown women aren't 5 years old and joined at the hip!

[Cabrinha]

is it their 13th

[Cocolepew]

Or don't throw a surprise party.
Its not really a surprise if MIL expects one is it?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

What Cabrinha says. Check aunts wishes out,,then go ahead with what your mil wants..

[mintoil]

I really wouldn't get involved.............It does all sound very childish.

[MorrisZapp]

Forget the surprise aspect. Just ask mil what she wants to do for her birthday.

Don't take this one on, it's not your issue to worry about.

[RaspberryOverload]

The fact that MIL and aunt are twins is actually irrelevant.

They are each adults who can choose what they want to do for their own birthdays.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

Hardly a surprise if she is making it clear to everyone what she expects.

I think I would say "Aunt is going away for her birthday, what do you want to do for yours? Shall we throw a party?" and then leave before the temper tantrums start.

[expatinscotland]

Dear god. She sounds childish and self absorbed. I wouldn't bother to organise anything. Let your husband do it. It's his mother.

[BasinHaircut]

I know it sounds childish, and in some respects it is, but the faaaaaamily dynamic makes it really akward.

On top of that the twin dynamic is very much that MIL twin is and always has been dominant in their relationships and MIL follows in line. So it's a bit like 'I've decided that our/my birthday will be X' and MIL has to like it or lump it. I.e. If twin doesn't want a party, there is no party.

MIL hasn't said she wants anything. The 'expects' a party is a presumption on my part but I'm sure I'm right.

[springydaffs]

Childish? No! Well, maybe, but this is exactly what families are like. This is precisely the sort of stuff that goes down.

It may be late in the day but perhaps this is your Mil's chance to exercise some autonomy.

Make a fuss of her, give her a lovely party, where all the family and friends give her undivided attention on her special day. An twin first if she wants to be involved but if not, ta-ta, have a good hol!

[springydaffs]

*ask twin first

[MissApple]

How nice it will actually be to have all the attention on a special day rather than half the attention!!

Forget the surprise party and just have a party, far less stressful

[DinosaursRoar]

Get your DH to ask his mum what she'd like, if she'd like a party, say you'll arrange one, or would she like a weekend away with her DCs and DGC, you can arrange that....

The get DH to call Aunt, "I'm doing a party for mum, would you like to make it a joint one?" if she says no, then go ahead without her. The 'big family' will come along for just one twin surely? Or it might be she'd like to but not on that weekend....