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Should I tell dm that df is getting married?

(14 Posts)
JarOfTulips Sun 29-Nov-15 15:14:58

Df recently told me that he and his dp want to get married (not in a "We're engaged!" way, just as a future plan). I don't know if he's told my dbs, but he talks most to db1 so there's a good chance at least he knows.

I think it's probably not up to me to tell, but I'm staying with dm and I feel like I'm keeping secrets from her. Df and I have a somewhat rocky relationship and I don't really want to ask him if I can tell (I know I'm probably being immature there).

So MN, is this something I can give dm a heads up about, or do I need to keep quiet and put it out of my head?

redteddy Sun 29-Nov-15 15:18:08

Until it's a "we're engaged" thing, I don't think there's really anything to tell..? I'd advise putting it out of your head until DF clarifies that it's a definite thing.

JarOfTulips Sun 29-Nov-15 15:39:02

You're probably right. My dps never married so I'm probably making too big a deal of it.

ricketytickety Sun 29-Nov-15 15:46:41

How long have they been split for? Why would it upset her?

tribpot Sun 29-Nov-15 15:48:26

I don't think I'd mention it. It doesn't sound like a very definite plan, so why would she need to know about it at this stage?

SoWhite Sun 29-Nov-15 15:51:38

I wouldn't until there is an official engagement. Don't worry your DM over something that might not happen.

RiaOverTheRainbow Sun 29-Nov-15 16:06:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Sun 29-Nov-15 16:15:51

But there's nothing to know yet, so she's not the last to know. Your dad's hardly going to confide such a vague plan to his ex at this stage. What I would say to him is that when he and DP do make a decision he should call your mum first as a courtesy.

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 17:46:17

I disagree with calling your mother first as a courtesy. That only applies where children of the marriage are still children and need to not be in position of knowing before the other parent.

Do you think your mother even cares? I'll be vaguely curious of XH married his GF. I'd like to know I suppose as I'm nosy. But I honestly don't care to be told and wouldn't expect to be.

If your mother is still unhappy about the split, I would tell her. But just in a quick "mum, I'm only telling you as you might want to get your head round it - no actual engagement, but dad's talking in vague terms about marriage". Keep it simple.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 29-Nov-15 17:51:15

Was it an acrimonious split?

Part of me (the suspicious bit) wonders if he's said it thinking you'll take it back to your DM in the hope it causes upset (and then as there isn't an official engagement yet, he can deny all knowledge).

Of course, that might just be because I spend too much time on here wink

I'd only say anything once it was official and you'd want her to know before anyone else told her.

JarOfTulips Sun 29-Nov-15 17:53:45

They split 3 years ago rickety. Dm isn't unhappy about it, but can still be quite sensitive about df.

I think this has surprised me more than I thought it would, not helped by the fact I don't know the dp well as we live a long way from each other. You're right that "they want to get married someday" isn't much to tell, and I'm just over thinking it. Thanks all.

JarOfTulips Sun 29-Nov-15 17:58:35

They aren't friendly but I don't think df was being malicious Raptor I doubt he has/will consider dm's feelings

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 18:09:37

I don't think he has to consider the feelings of his ex, three years down the line, tbh.

Obviously it's not a bad thing if he does. But even then I'd think kindness needs to go no further than "child, I'm getting married, your mum probably won't care but I'd like her to be told properly - and as we're not friends I think it's odd from me - would you mind officially telling her?"

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 29-Nov-15 18:30:13

Ah, it's just my mumsnetty imagination on the run then wink

He's probably just giving you a little heads up so if/when it does happen it doesn't take you by surprise. As I said though, until anything is more official I don't think there's any point upsetting your DM.

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