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I've finally broken

(15 Posts)
Embarrassedbymylife Sun 29-Nov-15 10:33:39

Nc regular here who just needs to vent

My husband is, on the outside, Mr Perfect. He's caring, housetrained, funny, looks after the kids... But behind closed doors he's anything but.

He ignores me in the home
Sulks when he doesn't get his own way
Sulks if we are doing something he doesn't want to do
Refuses to have any form of sexual contact unless it's on his terms. If I turn him down he sulks. If I try it on I get a look of disgust and a blunt no. Our sex life consists of a weekly peck on the cheek and actual sex once every 4-6 weeks.
He is 'self employed' but in reality he brings no money in
He bitches at me for doing the slightest thing wrong - such as putting the post on the dinner table and leaving it there more than a couple of hours saying I'm lazy and inconsiderate (I work full time and am the only person bringing money in)
He throws anything older than a few months away, considering it rubbish. This included my external hard drive full of photos from before we met and of my dc when they were young. Irreplaceable things.
Refuses to spend time with my friends and family and sulks when I won't spend time with his chauvinistic father

I could go on but I won't. I'm broken and need to leave but I'm disabled and rely on him to do the big stuff I can't do. I've tried to tell him I want to leave but felt physically sick at the thought and couldn't go through with it. I'm so depressed. So lonely. Feel so ugly and unwanted. I can't stay but I can't leave it's a horrible limbo I'm in.

gamerchick Sun 29-Nov-15 10:36:14

What stuff does he do that you can't?

summerwinterton Sun 29-Nov-15 10:36:58

He is a cocklodger. I am sure if you weren't paying to keep him you could pay someone to do the jobs to help you are.

You are not ugly or unwanted - he is just foul and you need to get rid. How can we help you to find a way to not be with him any more? I know you deserve way better than him.

Embarrassedbymylife Sun 29-Nov-15 10:38:34

He does all the heavy stuff like the garden, the hoovering, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen etc. It's a case of if I work I'm exhausted and pained and can't do anything but if I didn't work I'd be able to do some of that stuff.

Embarrassedbymylife Sun 29-Nov-15 10:40:15

He is a cocklodger

I don't know how to leave though. It needs to be me who leaves because it's his house.

He's so overbearing. My dc is going through hell medically at the moment and he keeps telling me I shouldn't go to the medical appointments and to leave it to him.
Do you know what it feels like? Like he's trying to cut me out of my own life.

summerwinterton Sun 29-Nov-15 10:51:19

You are married - it is not just his house. You need to see a lawyer.

ALaughAMinute Sun 29-Nov-15 11:39:45

You need to see a solicitor and start legal proceedings. As his wife you will very likely be entitled to half of everything including the house (regardless of whether the house is in his name) and half his pension. You may also be entitled to stay in the house until your children are 18. Do not under any circumstances leave the house until you get legal advice.

There is a way out, but you need to be strong.

Be brave and phone a solicitor tomorrow. flowers

mintoil Sun 29-Nov-15 12:17:39

I know you have namechanged OP but I recognise your story and think you have posted about it before?

I doubt the advice here will change - you need to get legal advice and get shot of this horrible man. He isn't just affecting and damaging you is he? It's your DC as well. Is that not enough to spur you into action? I suspect you will fare so much better once you are rid of him.


Chottie Sun 29-Nov-15 12:51:40

Please think of yourself and your DCs and make that call tomorrow.

Don't worry about all the jobs he does, there is always another way of getting stuff done. The garden and cleaning are small stuff compared to his behaviour.


forumdonkey Sun 29-Nov-15 21:48:36

How old are your DC's? Could they help around the home with house work? When you don't have him to subsidize you could probably afford a gardener and a handy man to do the things you can't.

You can do this OP flowers

Joysmum Sun 29-Nov-15 22:03:56

Get a house without much of a garden or a flat with communal gardens. A cleaner once every 2 weeks will keep on top of the more challenging cleaning such as bathroom and kitchen with just a quick wipe down ok otherwise.

pocketsaviour Sun 29-Nov-15 22:22:27

I'm assuming you're in rented and don't own your home.

If you're unable to take care of household tasks eg laundry, cleaning, (but probably not the garden), it's possible you may be entitled to help from adult services at local Social Services with this. It will depend on your disability and whether the tasks could reasonably be done by someone else in the house, e.g. your DC if old enough.

Do you have any family or friends nearby who might be able to help in the short term? Can your DC pitch in? If you're not paying this lazy cocklodger's food bill, could you afford a cleaner for £20 a week to take care of the stuff you can't do?

Robotgirl Sun 29-Nov-15 22:30:33

He sounds awful.
Have you made a PIP application to see if you're eligible for extra money because of your disabilities (could get benefits towards help you around the home. If you're not eligible, have you got friends or family who can help you?)
You don't have to tolerate this selfish and immature bell-end of a partner, you know.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 30-Nov-15 06:22:21

God he sounds vile.

Divorce his arse. Buy a flat with the proceeds (no garden) and get a cleaner. Sorted!

I know that sounds glib and it is a bit. But I think the practical reasons you're staying are so easily solved.

You just need to get yourself ready psychologically to leave.

wannabestressfree Mon 30-Nov-15 06:39:28

I am going to echo what everyone else has said....
I live alone and have regular surgery + three boys. They step up when required with hoovering and lifting and I also have someone who pops in to clean.
You need to rid yourself of the doubts that you can do this and start putting things into place..... We are all here for you

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