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Christmas & separation

(8 Posts)
sarsiem Sun 29-Nov-15 10:21:26

Posted earlier this year and had amazing messages of support from this board. Made it through the worst few months of my life. Discovered H was cheating in May and I filed for divorce in November. We are unfortunately still living in the same house. He won't move out. His response to me filing for divorce was to spend four hours writing down all the reasons I was a dreadful wife ( love the children too much was one of the reasons , that and nighttime BF getting in the way of our marriage, when the children were small) He went to see his female solicitor who told him his ramblings were totally irrelevant and that we now need to be practical.
He has been EA to me in the last couple of years, and probably before that and I don't want to stay married to him. He wants to stay living in the same house until our youngest goes to uni. I want to be living in a peaceful, calm, happy house and that is what I am working towards.
The problem I am having atm is that my H's aunt ( who has been like a grandmother to our DD's) invited us to spend Christmas day with them as we usually do. I then filed for divorce and she came round last Sunday to say that she doesn't think Christmas day is going to work as I have "created a new level of agro". She was crying to the point of sobbing. I cried too.
She has now texted to ask us how we think Christmas Day is going to work. I haven't replied yet. I suggested to H that we have dinner here and he takes our daughters to see his aunt and uncle later on. I feel as if I am under enough stress at the moment without this added pressure of sorting this out. I know it's only one day of the year but we have all enjoyed previous Christmases with them and I know our girls will be upset if arrangements are altered.
I cannot speak to my H as not much he says makes any sense. He also twists what I say so I have to be very wary to protect myself.
Most of my friends have offered for me to go to theirs for the day with the girls and my Dad has said we can go to stay with him.
I'm unsure about what to do next.

sarsiem Sun 29-Nov-15 10:24:33

Sorry should have made it easier to read with spaces between the paragraphs

RedMapleLeaf Sun 29-Nov-15 10:36:20

What would you like to do?

I would decide that and then inform him and his auntie and uncle and leave it up to them. Personally I'd either plan the morning and dinner at home and make space in the evening for the children to be taken visiting in the evening with their dad.

AuntieStella Sun 29-Nov-15 10:36:07

Is there any way this would work if you left your STBX out of it, and took your DC to see their great-aunt without him?

Because you can have an independent relationship with your DC's paternal relatives (especially when it's people you like).

Epilepsyhelp Sun 29-Nov-15 10:40:43

Very unfair of her to say you have created 'agro' when it is clearly very much the other way round. Given that opinion I wouldn't feel guilty in just taking the kids and going elsewhere this year, without the ex.

By this time next year whatever he wants you will have found a way to set up your own home without him and this won't be an issue.

mintoil Sun 29-Nov-15 10:43:53

Poor you OP. Just keep telling yourself that this time next year you won't be living with him and he will not have anything like this level of control over you.

I am wondering if the aunt is actually saying "this isn't going to work so you need to make other plans?"

DC won't be traumatised just because you do something different for Christmas (assuming no SN)

How old are they? How much do they know about what is happening re divorce?

sarsiem Sun 29-Nov-15 11:16:40

Thank you all for taking the trouble to reply.
Red - I think I am not used to deciding what I want to do! Am working on that.

Auntie - It would be so much more straightforward if I just took the girls on my own. Think that could work but then start to think about H on his own.

Epilepsy - am so looking forward to having my own place as I know I won't be on this emotional roller coaster.

Mint - you might be right. So maybe I should just make other plans. have had lots of lovely offers. DD's are 14 and 12. No SN. We told them we were separated in the summer. They seem ok atm. Haven't told them I've filed for divorce as thought that could wait until plans re finances are more sorted and where we are going to live etc.

Cabrinha Sun 29-Nov-15 17:57:29

Next time you start to worry about STBXH being on his own, remember last May when he left you on your own, to go fuck someone else.

No sympathy for him.

I'm not so sure about visiting the aunt without him. Seems like ultimately she's going to side with him, if she's already talking about "aggro" and that being YOUR fault! She knows he cheated, right?

I'd be tempted to put her on the spot. Call her all upbeat and say "well we're all still living together for now so really it's no issue to have Xmas just as we usually do - now, what shall we bring?" and don't even ask him. That way it's just not complicated this year whilst you are in same house.

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