Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
If your ex lives abroad, how do you manage visits? Does he stay at your house?(20 Posts)
I'm looking for some advice or ideas on how to deal with this. We used to live abroad, me and the DCs came back to the UK a year or so ago, H stayed there, with the intention of moving back when in a better position financially. I discovered weeks ago that he's been unfaithful for years, including when we lived there. I confronted him and told him it's over. He's been here to see the DCs and to 'talk' - which has been hellish. Of course he's been Mr Super Dad while I've been snappy and grumpy. I've insisted we tell the DCs (he didn't want to of course), so we just told them (not about the affairs, just that we're splitting up). It was possibly the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. They're 10 and 8, and were both very upset, younger one distraught.
How do we deal with him visiting them? He has his own room here, and of course he wants to carry on as before. I've told him I can't play happy families and live a lie any more. So I've told him he can stay here for his next visit (Christmas) but arrive a few days after Christmas and I'll go and see friends or something and he can spend time with them here and take them to his mum's for a couple of days. But DD is really unhappy with that, as she doesn't like to be parted from me. And they both want H to be here on Christmas day.
But in future, how do we do this? Can you tell me what works for you? He gets a hotel room, then spends the daytime here with them while I go out? Or he takes them away somewhere?
Please be kind in your answers, I'm finding this very tough.
he fucked someone else - therefore - hotel.
he made his bed so he can lie on it.
don't have him in your house. he can take them out.
he doesn't get to set the rules because he had a random fuck - no fucking way.
fuck that shit - he can sort himself out.
do not pander to him.
he messed up, therefore he lost the right to take over your house.
bloody cheek of him.
I know you're right. He's a piece of shit. But it's hard enforcing it with the DCs being so upset. It's such a mess.
Kids are much more resilient than you give them credit for. Start as you mean to go on and they'll soon get used to it.
FFS NO, No , NO!!!!!
He can stay in a b&b or hotel or anything at all - this is NOT your problem. Blimey you have been well conditioned OP.
Meet him at doorstep - he takes DC - brings them back safely - whatever happens in between is none of your concern.
My friend in this situation has her husband get a holiday let nearby when he comes over. He used to make her book and pay for it but that's because he's a total tosser!
He can stay with the OW the knob. Yeah hotel or rubbish bin or whatever for him. He is the one that trashed the marriage. He gets no favours.
With my 1st DH, there was no cheating. When I would come over to visit he let me stay with him in the guest room. Different situation.
Him not staying with you will make it harder for your kids and their Dad to pretend that you're still together, why can't he take them to his Mum's?
Do not underestimate the bullshit (been there) that an entitled coward will spout to his children for an easy life (especially when he's not around much). Your boundaries will therefore need to be robust enough (clear and consistent) to stand up his uncertain comments and downright lies. In addition, do not understimate the bullshit children will accept in order to avoid the devastating truth that a parent isn't committed to them.
Kids can handle change, it's uncertainty that messes with them. Start as you mean to go on because in the long run it will be a lot less painful for you and for them.
Seems to me that there's a fair bit of projection on this thread. It is vile when someone cheats in a marriage, it is selfish and damaging to everyone.
In this situation one parent has to put the children first - children are not as resistant and adaptable as people think - OP I can't tell you what's best for your children (I don't know you, or them) but deep down you probably do know what's best. But please don't let your hurt and anger influence your decision. Children can cope with their parents splitting up, they do it best when the adults involved (or at least one of the adults involved) put the feelings and needs of the children first. Good luck and I am sorry that you are all having to go through this, especially so close to Christmas.
I went against everyones's advise when my husband left for ow when dd was 10 and ds 5. He had always worked away from home so we attempted to continue life as similar to how it had been. He had an early finish once a week and would travel the 80 miles here to see the children picking them up from school and taking them for tea before coming back to the house and settling them to bed. Each Sunday he would come here for lunch and take the children out for the rest of the day but sometimes stay in the house and I'd take the chance to go out on my own. For Birthdays and Christmas he always came here for the day, very occasionally staying overnight, spare room of course. The children loved it, we managed it until the youngest was 16 and the eldest had moved to live with a bf. It worked for us, neither of us had much money and he continued paying the mortgage until the youngest was about 14, I then bought him out so the children managed to stay in their home throughout their childhood
Seems like I have both perspectives here. He doesn't deserve to ever set foot here again. But I don't want to punish the children for what he's done. If I make him take them to his mother's for a week, they would hate it. If he gets a hotel room then he has to be out with them all day, in the winter. It's a bit rough on them for me to say that it's his problem what he does with them, and not allow them to be at home. But yes, I think it would be confusing for them if he stays here as normal - and if I go off then it's like I'm being sent away.
That's another thing that really hurts. I've decided not to tell them the real reason for us splitting, for the sake of their emotional wellbeing. But I'm worried they're going to blame me for the split and see me as the horrible mum who's ruining their lives.
He's not with the OW, by the way, she's in another country now. But I have no doubt that he'll find himself another girlfriend.
notarehearsal How did you cope emotionally with him being around? How did it not kill you inside?
Well if I'm being honest I think I was still a little in love with him for some years. Once I stopped being smitten it became harder emotionally. He sometimes acted rather entitled in the later years but, by then, I just thought he was quite a prat. I knew he would have come back at the drop of a hat once him and ow split but I'd become stronger by then. I think whatever you decide to do it will have some heartache for everyone. It's just working out what you can manage. We had a very big trauma in life some eight years ago. We haven't spoken since.
No way in my case. I don't think in your case either.
I bet you have been supporting the children financially and emotionally and with your time much more than he has paid for them, so he's responsible for finding suitable accommodation for them when he has them.
Or take/arrange for them to visit him at his place abroad.
Firstly your children have to be told the truth.
How else are they supposed to navigate this?
Oh yes, that's right... YOU end up being the bad guy.. Keeping daddy away.
Your children have to learn that when someone lies like that to the family that it can't just get ignored and that at the very least you have the power to choose who you have living in your home. You get to choose because he chose to lie to you all.
Look at Airbnb, he can rent an apt or a house for the duration of his stay.
Do not let him back in your house, it will kill you. (Or you'll kill him...)
I had my ex here on and off this summer for the first time in 4.5 years. (He was abusive and a waste of space, not a cheating low life liar)
I WILL NEVER EVER LET THE BLOKE INTO MY HOME AGAIN.
For reasons of his behaviour on the second to last day, I will also never ever let him care for our son.
Your ex has to pay the price, the children have to understand why you are being so firm about this.
You have not given them enough information for them to be able to process this or understand your anger.
You will be made the bad guy, trust me. Put a stop to it today by telling your children the age appropriate truth. Tell them separately if need be so that each had the opportunity to ask questions and have the truth said.
If I could tell my 5 yo that his daddy had to leave because of abuse, you can tell your children that their dad broke his promises to you and that as a result to can't be together.
Before I got to the end of my sentence, My son actually said to me "is it because dads shouts at mummy"
Over the following 5 years I have answered his questions more he appropriately. Now he has seen his father this year, he's under no illusions.
Your ex did this, remember. Don't take any blame for any of it.
You are not punishing the children either! You are the one person who HAS stepped up and provided a stable, happy and healthy environment.
You didn't go sniffing around for a bit of side action, you didn't just stay put letting your other half pick up all the heavy lifting.
His accommodation is down to him. If they hate what he arranges, it's down to him. Him and him alone. It's his problem, he created it all by himself. So let him fix it.
Your kids will have a great Christmas because they have you, a mum who has stepped up and been there, and who hasn't just chucked it all away for a bit of action.
He's got a bloody nerve. He really has.
Had a similar situation years ago.
ExH never stayed as a guest in my home for DC's sake. Never. It's a recipe for resentment and him taking gross advantage of a situation that would suit him perfectly.
ExH stayed in hotels.
I'm sure your exH is more than experienced with booking hotel rooms for reasons you'd be better off not dwelling on. --> him, not you OP
My ex dh stays elsewhere and last time he came over he arrived about ten and left at four. My DC are a bit younger than yours, all their stuff is here and it just seemed easier.
He is now taking me to court to make me sell our home ( which he has never lived in) and has just written to ask if he can share with the DC a bedroom as it's cheaper for him, over Christmas. I won't allow it. And we are in court just after Christmas!
He has already told the DC this is what he wants to do and I'm the bad guy and mean and spoiling Christmas. I plan to ask him to take the DC out for Christmas lunch somewhere and drop than back - he can leave then. He says I'm ruining his holiday.
Thanks for all your posts. Hissy I completely respect your decision to tell your DS the truth, and I think I would have done the same in your situation. But I thought that the 'accepted wisdom' was that it's better not to tell children about affairs etc. It's adult stuff between me and him. Yes I feel that he betrayed them as well as me, but they don't need to know that at the moment. I'm thinking I will tell them as it seems necessary or if they ask when they're teens. I'm not keeping it secret the rest of my life.
I think after this Christmas holidays, I'll draw the line and not let him stay here again. I'll make him clear out his stuff.
Join the discussion
Please login first.