Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How can he not see? :(

(190 Posts)
Chugpower89 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:10:12

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

Chugpower89 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:12:54

Pressed send to soon before I could even read it over - so sorry if it doesn't make sense!

All I had left to say was that because I don't earn as much as he does and wouldn't be able to contribute a huge amount I don't get to be a part of it! I want to work this out and so don't want to be a single parent - but it just feels like he is NEVER going to get that bringing up our daughter is a huge and valuable job, and he wouldn't be able to earn the money to save for a house if I didn't!!

Goingtobeawesome Sat 28-Nov-15 20:19:30

So buying a house is a bigger deal to him than having a child? I'd be making plans for the future that do not feature him.

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:21:22

Chug, firstly I'm sorry you are in this position

but secondly, reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder if he wants the relationship to be over but doesn't have the balls to say so? He is effectively behaving like a single man with no child. He is paying nothing towards his own child? Shocking and awful but it does make me wonder if he is just taking this a coward's way out?

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:22:19

sorry, I should have added - but it seemed obvious in my head if you know what I mean - you should leave him. He is literally offering you nothing. You will be better off without him. Sorry flowers

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 20:26:28

It sounds as though the relationship is over. Time to get the CSA onto him and arrange some formal times when he looks after your child so that you get some free time to yourself.

Baconyum Sat 28-Nov-15 20:26:45

Sorry, from the way he's behaving he's already checked out of your relationship and doesn't seem to have any real interest in your daughter either. Get onto cms asap, plan as a LP.

BathtimeFunkster Sat 28-Nov-15 20:29:51

You're already a single parent and he needs to start paying maintenance.

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:31:11

Personally I'd take his insistence on separate finances as a sign of non committal and end the relationship. He clearly doesn't value the care you provide for the DC or see the costs involved.

Personally I would make sure he takes responsibility for her one night plus one day at weekends. I'd also start bilking him for half of all costs.

gamerchick Sat 28-Nov-15 20:31:47

First you need to sort out child support. Ask him if he would rather a private arrangement or will you just go through the official channels and see what he says.

It seems that money is the only way to rattle his head into reality.

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:32:16

He needs to be paying maintenance. Request payments from this past year

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 28-Nov-15 20:35:02

Cms. Regardless of where this is going he needs to stepup and deal with his financial responsibilities.

ShatterResistant Sat 28-Nov-15 20:39:40

It sounds as if he feels you've already broken up. I'm sorry.

Cabrinha Sat 28-Nov-15 20:43:13

Love, you're already a single parent.
Time to get the proper maintenance.

He's not going to get a mortgage with a woman he doesn't even live with.

alicemalice Sat 28-Nov-15 20:45:58

Call Child Maintenance Service to sort it out - he should be paying you the legal minimum amount.

FellOffMyUnicorn Sat 28-Nov-15 20:51:12

from what you say he doesnt sound like 'your other half'

CocktailQueen Sat 28-Nov-15 20:55:29


He sounds awful.

Chugpower89 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:55:17

He had always said throughout our relationship that he thought joint mortgages were a bad idea and he thinks that splitting up brings enough complications so why make it any more complicated (as if having a child together isn't complicated hmm)

We were supposed to be back living together in about 3/4 months time but to be honest I've been dreading it. It doesn't upset me too much what you are all saying, because I guess I sort of feel the same. He has been quite awful to me since having LG over housework, money etc and I think I have just started to give up and not care. We get on really well when we are together and not arguing, we bounce off each other, but that's all it seems to be. I don't miss him when he isn't around and I much prefer spending time with my family at the moment. I'm more just upset about the cheek of it.

He's told me he will help out when he's not got any bills to pay, in the meantime I should 'just ask' if I need him to get anything, but I hate asking sad

Thanks everyone xx

Cabrinha Sat 28-Nov-15 20:56:57

You don't have to ask for money.
You just have to let the CMS act on it for your child.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 28-Nov-15 20:57:55

Definitely CMS and tgey will tell him what he has to hand over every week without being asked.

tribpot Sat 28-Nov-15 20:58:55

as if having a child together isn't complicated

It's not complicated for him, is it? He has no interest in his dd and is paying nothing towards her.

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 21:00:18

Chug - if you don't mind me asking, how old is he? I don't get what he thinks you're going to do - he can't think he can get away without paying for his own child, surely?

timelytess Sat 28-Nov-15 21:03:36

Don't ask, go down the CMS route.
And forget him. He doesn't want to be committed to you or your child, does he?
You'll be a fine single parent, you're doing it already.

BathtimeFunkster Sat 28-Nov-15 21:04:48

He's told me he will help out when he's not got any bills to pay


Paying for his child is one of the bill he has to pay.

It's not "helping out" and it's not money for you.

He is legally required to support his own child.

Chugpower89 Sat 28-Nov-15 21:09:14

I guess that's true. I just haven't wanted to do it yet since we've still been 'together'!! I'm a bit nervous.

He is 34 lorelei, 9 years older than me but it feels like 9 years younger sometimes!

He does love his daughter when he sees her but just doesn't seem to have time for her. Then tells me that's my fault for not offering her to him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely that's not my responsibility? If he asks to see her I say yes...but Why would I offer my daughter out when he hasn't expressed any interest in wanting to see her? Anyway, I told him that and he hasn't dared say that again. Xx

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: