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Why am I so bothered my mum isn't proud of me?

(34 Posts)
Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:34:07

It really upsets me.

I am coming to realise that I have actually achieved a lot in my life - however they're not achievements with monetary value attached.

For this reason my mum isn't impressed. There always seems to be an undercurrent that my husband and I haven't 'launched' as we're not rolling in cash.

The only thing we miss out on is probably driving around in nice cars and expensive hols (something she has in spades). But we have a nice, welcoming home and the kids never without.

It really upsets me and I don't know how to let it go.

Advice welcomed.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 19:37:02

It sounds like your mother's love is very conditional.

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:40:10

Hello. Daft question but what do you mean?

Like if I'm not doing as she wants then she can detach? She has done that a few times.

FrancesNiadova Sat 28-Nov-15 19:40:19

Are you really proud of your Mum?
Your core values are: providing a loving for your children together with your husband.
Your mother's seem to be make/spend money.
You have your own set of core values, you don't need approval from your mother, especially when you might not think very much of hers.
(FWIW, I think you're spot on, but you don't need my affirmation or anyone else's.)

FrancesNiadova Sat 28-Nov-15 19:42:30

...A loving home environment blush

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 19:45:01

Well unconditional love means you are loved for who you are. If you were suddenly to lose all your possessions/abilities you would be loved in the same way. Conditional love is based on what you do.

Does you mum see your accomplishments as a reflection upon her? It sounds like she is using some kind of measuring stick and you don't believe you measure up.

Would you treat your own child in the same way?

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:45:04

It's very sad/crude/empty if her core values boil down to materialism and status. There's more meaningful things to life.

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:46:43

The best thing you can do is learn from your experience and decide not to be like her!

With your own children you can promote acceptance and unconditional love/support.

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:47:21

That's a really interesting insight! Thank you!

Sometimes things are so easy to see but you need someone to actually say it.

Yes this makes so much sense. No I'm not proud of her. That sound absolutely awful. Maybe she knows that deep down.

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:48:07

* sounds

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:50:45

Maybe you need to decide to be accepting of her despite her different values? Or you could challenge them in a gentle fashion?
It must be awful to feel that your parents don't appreciate you. Potentially it could knock your self worth.

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:50:53

Every child needs to feel treasured!

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:54:29

Yes I think she does see me and my life as a reflection on hers.

I was having an email clear out the other day and came across a spat we'd had over email.

I can't remember what exactly kicked it off but there was a message there saying that the only people she can compare me and my husband to are our peers - other people she knows our age. And that she sees them having holidays (we don't) and new cars. But then has the audacity to say she was concerned as not buying a new car was a safety issue for our kids!! (It's four years old and just MOTd).

It makes me feel upset every time I think about it.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 19:54:10

It sounds understandably sad to find that your mother is judging you - if you are not proud of her either maybe you are starting to acknowledge to yourself some painful truths - mainly that your mother is incapable of loving you in the way you believe to be "normal" - she doesn't accept you as you are. Does she treat your siblings in the same way?

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 19:55:52

Yes big pants - my DH says the same. That I can trust her to be as she is so just accept it and move on with confidence.

I just don't know why I can't.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 19:58:47

Being compared to others constantly and judging purely by appearances and material possessions is very superficial and immature, as I am sure you know.

Do you think you are more emotionally mature than your mum? My DH just told me in the last month that he knows he is more emotionally mature than his mum and it feels strange as you expect a parent to be the more emotionally mature one. His mum is 72 and he is 46.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 20:02:09

It's hard to move on when the person you most expect to accept you as you are cannot - they do not have the capability. It is very painful to come to that conclusion. Have you have any counseling around this issue OP? If you can't move past it it must be a source of constant pain.

How are your other immediate family relationships- your dad and siblings?

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 20:02:22

One sibling lives quite a distance away - she doesn't really have a relationship with him.

The other - the relationship is close and loving. I feel she truly loves her despite many many mess ups. (I've never really had a mess up).

Now other sibling and DH earn lots (and work extremely hard) but don't have a family. I feel that although she is proud re. Their material accomplishments the no family thing is starting to irk.

Bigpants4 Sat 28-Nov-15 20:03:17

Why don't you talk to her about it? Say you feel quite judged despite your achievements

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 20:04:52

It is a source of upset in my life. I just want her to say she's proud of me - and mean it.

Very phone call and contact had a critical undertone. I do feel like detaching now.

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 20:05:42

* every
* has

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 20:07:17

Have you heard of Family System Theory? That the family is a system and everyone has a role? The sibling that has no relationship with your mum, why? The sibling that can mess up and yet still has your mother's approval would you consider them a Golden Child - that is, a favorite that can do no wrong in your mother's eyes? It is interesting that your mother is measuring you all by material success but also whether you produce a family that is acceptable to her.

Does your mother have close friends? How are her own relationships with peers or people outside the family?

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 20:07:06

Big pants - how to start that conversation do you think?

I would guess she's say I was being 'ridiculous' but then maybe I am? Maybe it's actually my own insecurities.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-Nov-15 20:09:46

This issue is bigger than just you and your mum, that is what I am getting at. Your mum had made herself the most important person in your immediate family and she expects you all to want to need her approval. Why are her feelings more important than yours or other members of your family? Why are you not free to tell her the truth even though she criticises you constantly?

Loopyloser Sat 28-Nov-15 20:10:35

Weirdly I was thinking of this just the other day - she has no close friends. None.

Also sibling that lives the distance away - she's quite critical of their children.

What people look like is another issue.

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