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My marriage might be over, really hoping not.(24 Posts)
Just as it says. We're going through the motions, but I don't think either of us are truly happy. We were once, very happy, but his stressful job and an unexpected third child (second pregnancy was twins) have really taken their toll. We seem to be in permanent competition as to who is the most tired, ill or stressed. He starts this, he's a total hypochondriac,he's always been like it, and I've started feeding off it and doing the same. There are no big arguments, we just seem to be breeding resentment between us. I resent him for being able to get out of the house, and he resents me for getting to stay at home all day while he works. I don't cope well with babies, I'm much better when they're older, so I find now the toughest time, while he thinks I have it easy. I love him so much, but our circumstances are driving us apart, and I don't know how to fix it, or even if I can be bothered.
I thought I'd be crying writing this, but I'm not. Is that because I truly believe we can fix it, and so therefore there's nothing to cry about because it'll all be ok, or because I'm completely resigned to it being over and don't have the emotional energy to fight? I don't know.
Young children / babies are tough on a marriage.
If you both recognise where you are you can get through this.
You sound exhausted. Are you getting any help / rest?
I also think you both need third party help/intervention. It would be terrible to make the decision to split when you are both at your absolute lowest ebb and have nothing to give. Can you get couples counseling/have a holiday alone/get lots more help with children? Sleep deprivation and other daily exhaustion is the worst state to be in when making huge life-changing decisions.
You are not crying because you are too exhausted to cry.
It is a really tough time and I can see why each of you thinks the other has it easier, particularly if you both have disturbed nights. It's incredibly annoying living with someone who's a hypochondriac - does he ever admit this?
I would suggest couples counselling - would it be difficult to arrange this?
I resent him for being able to get out of the house, and he resents me for getting to stay at home all day while he works. I don't cope well with babies, I'm much better when they're older, so I find now the toughest time, while he thinks I have it easy
Is it feasible for him to be SAHP for a while, and you go back to work?
I think arranging counselling would be impossible right now. Just the logistics of it. I'm. Guessing you don't take the kids! Plus he's working at home every hour there is.
We have some external help, but not loads. We're at the financial limit of that really. I can't see us getting any alone time for a long time. Nobody among family and friends is willing to take three children.
Reasons I think it's salvageable - we do still think about each other and consider each other when it comes to organising our lives. When we get the chance to talk there's definitely still something there. I want to spend Christmas with him. I want to go on holidays with him. I want him around.
Reasons I think it's not - we get so little time to talk that we've kind of given up making the effort. The hypochondria is too much. Our physical relationship was never what it was pre-children after we had the first one. I just can't be bothered making the effort to fix things. Maybe that feeling will lift as and when the exhaustion does, but I just can't imagine things changing. Actually I can't imagine ever not being exhausted, but I have hope that it'll happen one day!
Not really feasible for him to stay home. His salary is vastly higher than mine, and his career would suffer more from time away. If we earned the same, we'd consider it, but unfortunately my much hoped for promotion never happened in time.
So if someone said "there's a good chance that you could end up divorced if you don't have couples counseling" is there absolutely no way on Earth that you could make it happen?
Yes you are snowed under but ultimately it's what you make a priority. Is there any way you could find an hour a week where someone could watch the kids and you see a counselor? Maybe near his work?
Francis - I would go. If he suggested it now, I'd go. If I brought it up, he wouldn't be interested. I've told him a few times that I'm concerned that we'll never get back on track properly, and he's all "we will, we will, we're just tired." He thinks things will be better once children are older, but I think it's his job causing him the most stress, and that won't change. He's changed jobs within his field in the last 18 months, and it's the same.
I would be willing to try anything to try and make it work long-term. But it takes two of us to do that. Either he really does think we're fine, or he doesn't care either.
When I had a toddler and baby, both DH and I were sick with tiredness. I resented being at home, was suffering with PND and wished I could be out of the house more. Both of us felt so low that we thought the exhaustion was going to break us. But we got through it and so can you. I think this is the most challenging time. Can you get any help from friends or Home Start or even pay someone for a couple of hours a week to give you a bit of a break? Hugs to you, it's tough.
Don't give up, OP. It sounds like your relationship is worth saving but is currently mired in stress and tiredness.
DH and I went through something like this (I think most couples do!), we went on a marriage course which helped. Now we're so happy again, I can't believe I ever thought "well, if we do split, I'm really not that bothered". I hope you get to the same point with your DH.
Even if you earn less, would it be enough until you are both working? How old are the twins? Would childcare and part-time work be an option? Even if it makes no extra many it could work wonders for your sanity and keep your career going.
(Seven Seconds what marriage course did you go on? I was searching for marriage courses in our area and could not find any.)
OP, cling on, the twins won't be babies forever. There are always threads on MN about how it's only a blink and kids leave for uni. Just hold on and your older one will be in school and the twins in nursery in no time.
On a more practical level: could you not get someone just for an hour or two so you can breathe (sleep?). A student in need of money?
I had one then twins and know how you feel. It does get easier when they get older. The twins are 7 now and me and dh are solid again but for the first 3 years or so it was touch and go who was the most tired /run down who dwlt with the kids it was so monotonous.
We had a home start helper cone in twice a week for a couple of hours and knowing someone was coming to help/chat really changed my outlook on things maybe that may help. Everything was a lot easier to handle after I had a shower and a got cup of tea ;-)
OP I didn't have twins but had three 5 and under and the exhaustion is a killer. Just don't want you to base the rest of your marriage on the most physically and emotionally demanding period. I was definitely at a very low ebb at that stage particularly because of sleep deprivation. You are in survival zone right now and it is the worst time to make permanent decisions. Your husband does need to pull up his end emotionally however. Playing "whose the biggest martyr" is a no-win game. Sounds like you are both depressed and physically knackered.
He thinks you have the better deal at home?!
Sorry if that's cat among the pigeons. I'd just be really pissed off with that.
Does he ever get to mind the kids, just him? Perhaps he could take a week's AL to mind them while you go off on holiday. Just so he gets a reality check.
Blueberrymuffin26 I'd very much expect that there are 1000's of couples like he and three up and down the land who are tired and worn down with modern day life and the stresses of child rearing.
BUT you want to make this better and are still talking to each other that's good, it doesn't sound as if its anywhere near call it a day time but it seems to me you really ought to talk to someone for a bit of guidance, most times that other person can be seen as to not take sides if even this is the case, but can be a good thing as it can reduce that sort of conflict stress.
Best of luck to you both
I think I've realised what one of my issues is - I don't feel important enough. I seem to make more of an effort, even when things are rough, to do little things to show him I appreciate him, even though I dont at times. Just things like his favourite dinner, making a real effort with birthday gifts and cards. But I don't feel like he treats me the same way. Our babies' routine is done according to what suits him. And it really dawned on me how unimportant I felt when he was on the phone to a friend earlier. His exact words were "I've got a terrible cold. BM thinks she's got a bit of a cold." I've been complaining about feeling ill for days. I look like shit and I'm coughing my guts up. The way he phrased it really annoyed me, and I did pull him up on it. He told me not to be silly, words aren't important.
Maybe that's the crux of it - we're not important enough to each other. He'd never do anything to try and save his marriage, but he also wouldn't do anything to end it. So the way it goes I feel is up to me. I save it or I end it. He'll do nothing. We're not unhappy, but I think he's content to just chug along and be parents. I'm not. I just don't know if things will naturally get better when we're out of the newborn haze and more settled into our new family life. Let's hope so.
Counselling is a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce OP.
ReturnfromtheStars sorry I just noticed your question.
[www.marriagecourse.co.uk This]] is the marriage course we did.
OP, I just don't know if things will naturally get better when we're out of the newborn haze - of course, I can't guarantee they will. But I honestly believe there's a good chance of it. Tiredness is such a killer!
Sounds like he's in competition with you. You may be competition with one another, I don't know. But he's definitely in competition with you. The 'I have it worse' competition. It's common at this stage from what I've heard.
Words aren't important eh. Right
marriage has its ups and downs....you are having a down time....ive been through the 'competition'....i dont do it now....if he starts the 'im worse than you' 'ive done more than you' i dont bite, i ignore it.....funny i dont hear it that much anymore....its hard work marriage....maybe it seems worse at the moment because as you have said you are both ill
Over the last couple of days there have been examples where he seems to hold me in complete and utter contempt. Maybe I'm more aware of things at the moment, which is why I started this post. He's questioned how I'm looking after my children several times and made me feel like a bad mother. I'm not. I'm not perfect (who is?) but I am a good mother and I know it. The old competitive martyrdom has reared its head again and again. I feel like playing him at his own game and faking a 48 hour stomach bug all weekend. But it's not like me to stoop that low.
It'll have to be counselling or the end I think. How do you find a decent counsellor? Is it expensive? Probably not as expensive as the cost of running two households after a divorce.
Relate, if there is a branch nearby can be good. And as mintoil alludes above it's a LOT cheaper than a divorce!
Which is what you need, some guidance seems to be in order to put your marriage and relationship back on track. In a counselling session they if they are good it it can get you talking or rather communicating, rather than competing, which is not what you both need!.
Here you go,
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