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35 weeks pg, 18 month old and just been left. Hand holding please

(22 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Sat 28-Nov-15 16:07:39

Hi
My husband left me last week. Doesn't love me anymore (but does care for me, never dreaded coming home to me blah blah). I'm 35 weeks pregnant and we have a toddler. I have no idea if it's a breakdown, for real or what. No idea if I would take him back if he asked (at the moment yes with a fuck load of therapy). Difficult to tell when it's nearly Christmas, I'm really bloody pregnant and I can't sleep because I have a toddler who won't. Don't want to leave him alone with DS so at the moment need to see him at the weekends so he can spend time with him. No idea what'll happen with the birth. Trying to be civil because there's children involved much as I'd like to scream at him. But I also still bloody love him

I just need a bit of hand holding really. Just some tales of people who made it through. So if he doesn't come back I know eventually we'll be OK. Sometimes I feel like we will be but then plunge back into gloom and tears. I know it's only been a week in just exhausted and need to see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel, whichever outcome it may be. Thank you

quirkychick Sat 28-Nov-15 16:12:06

No direct experience, but didn't want to read and run. Fwiw, I know lots of fab single mums who do a great job.

Have you got any family or friends for extra support to help with the practicalities? A good mw or HV who can get you some extra help?

Hope someone with better knowledge or experience comes along soon. And what an are to leave you now...

quirkychick Sat 28-Nov-15 16:13:23

Arse, autocorrect!

MrsTatum1980 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:21:46

Mine is a long and complicated story so I won't go into that but I will tell you that you will get through it. After lots of suspicions about OW and him behaving like a total twat I somehow found the guts to pack my Ex H bags when our DD was around 15 months. I'm not going to lie, it was bloody tough but we made it through in one piece and after time grieving for the relationship and what ifs I genuinely have never been happier. I felt enormous guilt at not being able to give my DD the 'normal' 2 parent relationship but have long since realised one dedicated and consistent parent is way better than what we were together.
A new relationship will be the last thing on your mind also but 7 years down the line I am disgustingly happy with my DP and our DS together. I never realised that men who are always kind, always respectful and downright lovely were actually out there and that I had spent a long time settling.
Focus on yourself and your children. If you want to wallow in your pjs do it, find the strength within in you to not settle and not let them manipulate your emotions or hold on waiting in case he changes his mind. I wish I'd been stronger and not spent so long wondering if we could work it out with hindsight I realise I was just scared of doing it alone and it wasn't particularly him I wanted.
Use family and friends to support you and get breaks, be brave enough to do stuff you always put off and if he can leave you whilst pregnant, let's be honest...he's a bit of a dick! I thought my ex had, had a breakdown to justify it, turns out he was just a class A dickhead smile

mintoil Sat 28-Nov-15 16:24:11

So sorry you are in this predicament.

One question- why do you say you cannot leave DH with DS? Does he have anger management issues or something?

It would be far more helpful to you both emotionally and practically if DH had DS outside of the home without you there.

MistressMerryWeather Sat 28-Nov-15 16:25:21

My god, I am so sorry you are going through so much.

Do you have close family? You really need hands on support right now.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sat 28-Nov-15 16:27:08

Oh Molly, sorry to read. I was given 30 days notice of his intended departure when I was around 38 weeks pregnant with my now 14 year old. At the time I was devastated, I loved him, I wanted him to stay.......I was depressed for a long time after he told me "I don't love you any more" that hurt, I cried for days, but I also had to look after my 7 year old so I couldn't wallow......fast forward 2 years later I was thriving, I moved countries, I went back to university, got my degree and have never looked back.

Having RL support really helps, I had my wonderful mom to help. Importantly my mom did the school run and all the other duties, all I had to worry about was my new born. GET REAL LIFE HELP if you can.

Start with the practicalities, you need to rest, and he needs to help you more.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Cocacolaandchocolate Sat 28-Nov-15 16:27:32

Hand holding with you op.
Xflowers

MollyBloomYes Sat 28-Nov-15 16:54:53

Thank you. No he doesn't have anger issues but until I know for sure he's not having a depressive episode ( he has a history of depression which at times can manifest in extreme physical symptoms such as collapsing and hallucinating) I'd rather not leave him alone.

I have loads of family support, friends flocking round etc. Just need to see we will be ok, am alright for money at the moment thanks to maternity allowance but when that runs out in July no idea how I'll fund two kids in childcare. Because the plan was always I'd be a SAHM. But now his wage is going to have to go on another rent and bills etc so I need to bring in some money. But can't if my wage will be wiped out by nursery fees! I know that's seven months down the line and not to worry but hard not to.

mintoil Sat 28-Nov-15 18:50:26

Oh Molly that is awful! He will have to pay you a minimum of 20% of his take home pay. If you work at least 16 hours you will get tax credits and these can be a lifesaver. Do you have family who could help out if you worked part time?

Try to take really good care of yourself - lots of eating and sleeping and you know what - somehow it will all work itself out. I know that sounds glib but he doesn't sound reliable, and your children need you to be in tip top form, so worrying yourself sick isn't going to help.

flowers

queenrollo Sat 28-Nov-15 19:03:18

This happened to a friend of mine, the week before New Year. Same stage of pregnancy and same age toddler. She had good family support, and she got through it. Now re-married and another little one due early next year.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Let your family and friends rally round, if they say to ask if you need anything - they mean it, and take them up on the offer. Whatever the outcome for this relationship, you can and will get through this tough period.

kennyp Sat 28-Nov-15 19:06:45

don't put yourself under any obligation to feel any particular way. it's a horrendous time and it is still taking me time to get used to everything. don't hold back on how you are feeling - i.e. cry!!!! (seriously!!!)

if he doesn't come back and you don't get back together then it's obviously life changing and it could take a long time to get through/over/around. i'm nowhere near what i was like at the beginning of the year. it's very odd how it affects your mind etc etc. good luck and let it all out. seriously.

BaronessSamedi Sat 28-Nov-15 19:08:09

don't want to read and run either.

i'd cut him off at the pass and ensure he knows there's no going back now.
he says he doesn't love you? well, that would be enough for me to shut up shop on any future with him.
he's not a real man because real men don't abandon their kid and a heavily pregnant partner. and this close to xmas. what a fucking prick!
get legal advice to ensure you get all your entitlements from him. continue to ask friends and family for help.

he's a loser but he's actually doing you a favour in the long run. better to cut loose the dead weight (him) now rather than 10 years down the line.
god, i sound very harsh! but i hate tossers like this. if i had my way they'd be up against a wall and shot by firing squad. kidding. kind of.....

flowers

MollyBloomYes Sat 28-Nov-15 20:33:03

Thanks all if I didn't have DS I'd be doing some serious wallowing. A blessing in a way as have to get on but also means I'm having to do my grieving and sobbing and processing in little bursts! Family amazing and very eager to help. Day at a time I guess. First priority is some sleep, absolutely desperate for it, can't even have herbal nytol in pregnancy, it's a real bugger!

Needaninsight Sat 28-Nov-15 20:38:13

Hate to say it...but better now than when both kids are here. Sadly it sounds like it was never going to be much use anyway sad

Stick with your amazing family.

I have an 18month gap between my two. Honestly. It's easy the first 9 months or so. It's only when the baby starts on the move etc it's get tough lol.

You will get child tax credits and support for nursery costs. You'll probably be surprised to see you'll be better off (or the same). I'd actually be better off not working at all (farce, yes) But don't worry about that for the minute.

BaronessSamedi Sat 28-Nov-15 22:35:43

yes - take solace in your family.
and your friends who so want to help.
so sorry you're going through this - i really am.
fuck him. effing tosser.
blessings for the coming year to you. you'll get through this.
you have loads to look forward to.

Justdisappointed Sat 28-Nov-15 22:49:36

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My mum says we're better off without them, and I'm starting to think she's right. Glad to hear you're getting a lot of support. I hope he's getting an inverse amount of shit flowers

ShowOfHands Sat 28-Nov-15 22:55:55

<squeeze>

I am so sorry.

MollyBloomYes Sun 29-Nov-15 15:58:09

Thanks everyone. Just want this unbearable sadness to end. Feel completely floored by it and being crap mum. He's already had his dad leave him now I'm being rubbish too

Deardinah Fri 04-Dec-15 17:18:09

Not at all. That's your self esteem taken a bashing, that's all. You tell yourself all kinds of lies, 12 months down the line you will look back at this time & think 'my god, I was a superhero' because you are. You are going through unspeakable inner torture but first & foremost you put your child first. You are a mother & a fantastic one, your mother is also a great mother & one to be relied upon, being pregnant & dealing with this pain is just awful, you need to be kind to yourself, please don't expect too much of yourself in these early days. One step at a time. It will get better, the weight will lift & you will be more than ok.
My awful husband left me last year for another woman, I had just given birth, he cheated throughout my pregnancy, told me he didn't love me & has never apologised. i understand the pain, the stages of grief you are going through, I threw myself into motherhood & wept when I could. You can do both, you must do both, grieving does not make you a poor mother.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 04-Dec-15 17:40:06

I promise you that the sadness and pain will end. One day you will feel happiness, joy, excitement, contentment and at peace again.

Fratelli Fri 04-Dec-15 20:36:55

What a pathetic excuse for a "man". I mean wtaf?

flowers for you op. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just take it one step at a time. Concentrate on looking after yourself, your health is paramount here. I wouldn't take him back as he's shown no regard for your wellbeing at your most vulnerable.

Just know this, you will be ok. You are strong and you will get through this. One day this will all just be a bad memory. But you will have two beautiful children. When you're up to it see a lawyer (many do first half hour free) and get him to pay maintenance asap. Stay strong op

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