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Is this fair after 30 years?

(56 Posts)
dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:18:34

Hi, I'd like some advice. I've been with my partner for thirty years, he was always adamant that he wouldn't marry me and when I tried to push him on this after we'd had two children and I needed some security and recognition he said he would, but only if I signed a pre-nup. I was hurt but had to accept it.He has built a successful business, while I have stayed at home bringing up our children then getting a part time job when they went to school. He has three properties he has bought outright and a pension he has put lots of money into and savings. My mum died recently and I have an inheritance. He now wants to leave as he sees this as money I can support myself with, so he doesn't have to give me anything. . Everything is on his terms, he says he's not leaving until he has bought a house, so possibly months, he refuses to leave before then.I am entitled to nothing as we aren't married. He sees my inheritance as justifying not giving me anything. I will get half the house we live in when it sells. I feel devastated and used. I have brought up our children with little help from him and done all housework house while he made money for himself. I feel that morally he owes me much more after all this time together.

Sn0tnose Sat 28-Nov-15 15:23:55

What a horrible situation for you to be in. The only advice I can offer is to get legal advice as quickly as possible. It is completely irrelevant what he thinks and try not to let him browbeat you with his opinions on the family finances.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Sat 28-Nov-15 15:29:02

Yes it's unfair, yes it's morally wrong, buy sadly he's probably correct. You need to get some legal advice asap.

Out of interest, when he said he'd only marry you with a pre-nup (and I'm not sure they're worth the paper they're written on in this country, but happy to be corrected on that), why didn't you agree, and go ahead and get married?

gonegrey56 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:29:37

Please get legal advice NOW. You need expert help. Your partner is wholly wrong to be treating you like this . Thinking of you , stay strong .

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:39:40

Hi snotnose, I've sought legal advice, I'm not entitled to anything as my name isn't on anything. I was going to try to make him think of it in a moral duty to me after all these years. If he won't agree, I'm going to tell him he has to leave now as the situation is unbearable, yet he still expects me to wash, cook, clean, shop etc for him until he decides is the right time for him to leave. I'm only doing those things because to stop now would make the kids wonder what was happening and he won't tell them he's going until he's ready! I'm just trying to keep a lid on things because otherwise I think I might explode with anger towards him.

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:40:10

dewdrop "I feel that morally he owes me much more after all this time together."

gird yourself, just going to play devil's advocate for a minute. put the amounts aside and think of the general principles
1) you're getting half the house
2) he isn't taking half your inheritance while not offering you half of anything else

does that make you feel any different? If you were with someone who hadn't accumulated lots of money and extra property, then would you feel morally obligated to give them half your inheritance money in the event of a split?

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:44:16

Drgoogewillseeyounow, I did agree, he changed his mind and wouldn't talk about it again.,. I was hurt as he knew I worried about my financial position.

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:49:32

Lorelei, I see what you mean, although I think the money from the relationship is different. I've supported him and enabled him to set up his business while I've done the necessary stuff in the background. I thought it was a partnership, but clearly not.

TheTigerIsOut Sat 28-Nov-15 15:50:05

Dewdrop, he is right, and he seems mean enough not to care about or change to make you feel more protected. i don't think that he is going to change, so you may as well start preparing your way out as you won't get any appreciation from this twat.

Please start looking for a job and leave as soon as you are ready, any extra time you spend with him is a waste.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Sat 28-Nov-15 15:50:58

Sorry but this is one of those cases where the solicitor probably feels like banging their head on the desk.

You've done nothing to protect your own interests. And now you're just carrying on washing, cooking, cleaning for him so that the kids don't wonder what's going on? How old are they?

FGS take some control back, sit the children down and explain you've split, get the house sold, take your half plus your inheritance and move on.

This isn't decent man who is going to do the morally right thing.

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:53:16

Thanks gonegrey. I actually feel like giving up. I know I haven't got a leg to stand on legally. I just feel like I'm going mad with it all.

TheTigerIsOut Sat 28-Nov-15 15:54:01

Exactly, if he has managed to get this far professionally, it is because you have been supporting him at home, it is not as he needs to get out if a meeting or nit raking on trips because he has to pick up the children from nursery and cook dinner, is it.

Unfortunately, without a marriage certificate you don't have a claim to anything that is not in your name (but you can claim a small amount from him in child maintenance).

VimFuego101 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:55:46

You get half the house (plus child support if the kids are young). You don't seem very clued up financially - do you have a pension? I would suggest seeing a financial advisor to make sure you are fully prepared for the future/ retirement and to make sure you make the best use of your inheritance.

What are your qualifications - are you able to work full time?

And stop doing his washing/ cooking/ laundry!

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 15:58:22

dewdrop "I've supported him and enabled him to set up his business while I've done the necessary stuff in the background."

but would he have just done that anyway - I mean yes, he'd have not had the children but the "enabling" thing is a bit of a grey area, could he have set up the business and made all that money without you? From your post, I get the impression he could but of course it's not all the info.

For the record, I always said I'd never marry because the thought of someone being entitled to half of what I have earned over the years filled me with horror. I appreciate it's different because I don't have children and if you raised children there's that to factor in - but then he can argue that he enabled you to stay at home with the children?

I'm interested that you see money from the relationship as being different to the inheritance - I would have thought either you feel it all goes in the pot to be shared equally, or you don't.

Like another poster, I'm wondering why you didn't marry with a pre-nup, it would have been much better legal protection - I realise you're asking about the morality of this but I'm curious. I also wonder if his solicitor will grab on to that - if you go that far - will they say you knew what you were entering into and you are getting half the house, which legally is probably more than he has to give you?

lorelei9 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:01:35

PS I also wouldn't drive yourself mad with the morality of it. It's not going to change anything.

One poster has said "don't do his washing" - given that legally you are on the back foot here, I'm afraid I'd be as amicable as possible so you can still get half the house. I don't know what the legal position is but if your inheritance is enough to live on - you say married for 30 years so guessing you are least 50 - could he withdraw his offer of giving you half the house?

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:08:26

Tiger and google, you are right. I need to just get him out of the house before Xmas. He's refusing to go until its right for him! I think stopping looking after him will cause an awful situation but it may be the only way. I know that if I create problems like thus for him he will definitely be awkward with the money. The kids are mid teens and hopefully will be ok. I'm not eating or sleeping and need to move on and accept he's been selfish. I think he's been waiting for my inheritance to come through to ease his guilt about leaving. As I'm writing this I'm realising that no amount of asking him to be fair will ever work. It never has. He sees it as his money only, not the family money, in fact he told me that a long time ago. I should have bloody gone then. At least I have some inheritance money. I do have a job, thankfully. but the pay isn't great.

GreenTomatoJam Sat 28-Nov-15 16:10:15

Given he's gone back on everything else, why on earth are you trusting him to give you half of the house when it sells?

Get it in writing, with a solicitor.

If he won't, then it's clear he never intends to, and you should do what's convenient for you - stop doing the washing, find out whether you can apply to the court to continue living there and have him move out or move out yourself and apply for child maintenance.

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:11:24

My name is on the deeds, so legally it is half mine.

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:18:06

I have a pension from my employer., although it's only small. I'm seeing a financial adviser in the next week.
Yes, he could have built his career in his own, he just couldn't have had the family too. Someone once said to him that they couldn't believe he had a family because of all the time he was at work and away from home. Very telling.
Thanks for all your advice. Basically I need to be stronger and get through best way I can.

greenfolder Sat 28-Nov-15 16:19:11

So, you have half a house owned outright with no mortgage? And an inheritance? And a job and teens who are moving towards adulthood? Yep, he is walking off with more but you will be fine. Get the house valued so you know what it is worth. Could you buy him out? Put yourself back in control.

Shonajay Sat 28-Nov-15 16:21:33

Prenups are indeed legal and becoming more and more common. I wish to god they'd had them when I married my husband x

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:21:29

Green tomato, the inheritance wouldn't be enough to live on, but would help me get on my feet and possibly top up my pension as I didn't have one for years. I'm 47, so still time to save.

TheTigerIsOut Sat 28-Nov-15 16:27:38

lorelei, you are wrong in a couple if things: pre nuptials are not worth the paper they are written on in this country, they are taken, at best, as an initial intention of what the couple wanted to do with the assets if they split, but they have no legal value.

Raising the children is seen by courts as the sahp's contribution to the marriage. If you had children you will understan why either parent might need to put their career in the back burner to ensure they children are being taken care of.

Unfortunately, no marriage, no protection for the partner in more vulnerable circumstances, unless this is affirded to protect the children.

dewdrop68 Sat 28-Nov-15 16:28:38

Greenfolder, you're right, I will be ok. Thanks for the kind words. I can't afford to buy him out but I'll hopefully have enough to get my own place once the house is sold. Just feels a bit crap starting again. I think I'm still quite emotional and clingy after my mum died. I need a new start though. Thanks everyone for making things a lot clearer.

TheTigerIsOut Sat 28-Nov-15 16:31:35

Dewdtop, you will find the way to survive on your own. I'm sure of that, when it'sno longer an option, you do because you have to.

I'm not richer since leaving exh, but I am much happier since smile

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