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Xmas problems

(6 Posts)
carlajean Sat 28-Nov-15 13:04:32

(I've already posted this on Gransnet, so hope it's OK to post on MN)
I'm in the situation where I have 2 elderly parents and 3 children in their twenties. We live 100 miles from my parents, and about the same distance from our children, in a 3 bedroom house on 3 floors. My mum has recently had a knee operation, and is recovering OK.
I have a brother and sister, and we take it in turns to see our parents over Xmas, followed by a whole-family party soon after.
So, I asked my mum and dad (this is 'my' year)if they would like to come over for Xmas, but that they would have to stay in a local BandB as we haven't got room in the house because this year all our children plus one partner are staying(needless to say, we'd take them back and forth). Or we would drive up to them for the day (which would mean that my daughter couldn't be there).
My mum and dad said they'd think about it. a month on, my daughter rings to say that she wouldn't be able to see my mum and dad for Xmas, as my mum had told her that she and dad couldn't handle staying in a B@B. (My daughter lives 200 miles from them, but had just seen them for the day as they were staying at a hotel nearby)
My daughter is upset and thinks that we should make room for my parents.
I feel upset, as I've tried to do things right - I truly can't see why my mum and dad can't stay in a local b@b and come for the day. My whole life with my mum is her pushing me to get her own way.
So, my daughter is judging me as inflexible and says that I should let my mum manipulate the situation this way because she's old. But she's always been like this.
Anyway, I probably sound like a bitch, but I've spent my life appeasing my mum, and now she's using my daughter in her games.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 28-Nov-15 14:11:53

It takes a lot of work hosting Christmas. To some extent how well you get on with the guests the other 51 weekends in a year influences how gladly you juggle things to fit everyone in. In theory it's great fun having a mix of generations but the more of you involved, the more complex the logistics.

Does your mother dread a long car journey after her knee op as much as the thought of staying somewhere unfamiliar? I understand that you and your siblings normally take turns but are your brother and sister living close to your parents?

Does the whole-family get-together after 25th take place on neutral territory so to speak? I wonder if it would suit everyone better to do their own thing at Christmas and have the more mobile family members do the travelling to the family party.

If your daughter is so keen for your parents to stay how much help is she prepared to give? Will she and her partner (and children?) swap so they stay at a B&B and the grandparents can have their room at your house?

LordEmsworth Sat 28-Nov-15 15:24:46

Tell your daughter she can give up her room and she can stay at the B&B instead.

Or - give them your room, stay at the B&B yourselves, let her sort dinner out.

If there isn't room, there isn't room!

mintoil Sat 28-Nov-15 15:27:24

I would assume this means you are going to them and act accordingly - send them a text saying DD has told you they aren't coming to you, so what would they like you to bring, you are looking forward to staying at theirs etc

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 28-Nov-15 15:30:15

My daughter is upset and thinks that we should make room for my parents.

Daughter gets the b&b then wink

It's a shame your parents haven't mentioned it to you though.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 28-Nov-15 20:48:34

Has your DM actually told you she doesn't want to stay at a B&B? Have you told DD that your DM manipulates you a lot? Hasn't DD seen this herself? Or has she perhaps learned that DGM's whims must be obeyed?

In our house we would give priority to the elderly ones for a bedroom, adult children would double up, or the couple would go to a B&B.

Except for my DM that is, she is proper toxic, no way I'd prioritise her over my children.

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