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my husband hates me

(7 Posts)
eira1 Sat 28-Nov-15 01:03:06

My husband and I met age 18 and 21. We were so in love for years. We are in our forties now and have two lovely boys. We're over worked and money is tight. Gradually he seems to have stopped loving me to the point he seems cold and irritated. He also has had three violent outbirsts towards me in the past year. He was its because I treat him badly. There's no remorse. I say to him that even the slightest effort to be loving would go a long way but he says the relationship is nt worth fighting for.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 28-Nov-15 01:16:52

Have you reported any or all of his violent oubursts to the police? Did you sustain any injuries as result of his violence towards you and, if so, did you receive treatment from a health professional such as your GP or at an A&E department?

eira1 Sat 28-Nov-15 01:56:35

No I haven't reported any of them. I have constant neck pain from the last time but the real damage is that he has broken my heart and I feel very nervous and sad around him. I hadn't finished my post and accidentally pressed create then carried on writing so there us another post about this with more detail. This is my first time doing anything like this or talking about it at all.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 28-Nov-15 02:23:17

The hour grows late, my eyes grow weary, and I seem to have made a monumental cockup in seeing your other post as being a duplicate thread. However, below is the addtional information you added and I've taken the liberty of making it easier to read by creating paragraphs

"Its true I am prickly most of the time since the violence started. I feel uncomfortable around him even though I do love him. He is stressed about his job and I am physically not well as I have constant neck pain and numbness in my face plus being seen urgently in few days about possible cancer. He doesn't think I should be worried and just keeps brushing it off saying it will be ok.

We are always tired and all romance has stopped years ago. He says he loves me but doesn't want to talk about things or see a counsellor. Things are just miserable. We don't argue but we bicker. He blames me for his job. He did have a job he loved but he was away constantly and it wasn't good for us as a family. He also enjoys his current 9 to 5 ob but he often says he feels he has made a huge sacrifice. So have I but I don't blame him.

When we first met we kind of saved each other from awful situations. He was my hero and my rock. he also idolised me. He always said I was stunningly beautiful although I don't think I'm attractive at all perhaps because my confidence was knocked out of me growing up. He rarely compliments me now and just criticises my character.

I am damaged due to my background and so is he due to the terrible neglect and needing to fend for himself. He had to be strong and always likes to be in control. This was great when we met as I grew up scared and alone. He made me feel totally safe but not anymore. Increasingly we just kept clashing over decisions."

He seems to hate me and my heart is broken. I don't want to leave him. I want him to be happy with me and me to be happy with him like we were. But I suspect he wants to leave me. I just feel so heart broken.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 28-Nov-15 02:40:35

I'm glad you've found the courage to post here and hope that you will take on board all of the advice and encourage you'll receive over the course of the weekend and thereafter.

I realise you're feeling heartbroken and don't want to leave him, but anyone who reads your post will be concerned for your safety if you continue to live with him.

Your health is the most important thing and I urge to please visit your GP or an A&E department as the contant neck pain and numbness you've experienced since he last assaulted you suggests that something may be amiss and a physical examination and/or an X-ray should be able to rule out any serious damage.

You don't have to tell any health profession how you came to be in pain, but it will aid diagnosis if you tell the truth. Please rest assured that if you do so you won't be pressured into reporting him to the police, but putting his violence on record by way of your medical notes may come to be vitally importance in the future.

It's entirely understandable that you feel uncomfortable around him and I urge to please please call the police if he attacks you again as it's particularly worrying that he's resorted to violence at such a late stage in your relationship.

I'm so very sorry that you also have cancer concerns and hope that your fears will prove to me unfounded. The Tamoxigang thread on the General Health board may be of help to you as there'll be no shortage of hands to hold yours while you're waiting to know the outcome.

I intend to continue writing but will let you digest this already fairly long response before posting the remainder of it.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 28-Nov-15 04:35:17

I'm also going to urge you to make contact with your nearest Women's Aid branch and ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and have specific expertise in domestic violence cases. www.womensaid.org.uk

I realise this is not what you want to hear, but it seems to me that you are in need of advice as to what your legal entitlements are should you, or he for that matter, decide to separate or divorce.

Given that he won't agree to attend marriage counselling, it may be that telling him you have consulted solicitors with regard to divorce or legal separation may give him pause for thought and he may become willing to do what it takes to save your relationship.

However, I don't want to give you false hope as it appears that he has checked out of your marriage and I very much doubt he's going to check back in anytime soon. Is there any possibility that he may be having an affair with an ow?

I know you want to go back to being happy together, but you can't turn back time and your main concern now has to be your own health and safety and that of your boys. How old are they and have they been affected by the discord in their home?

When we first met we kind of saved each other from awful situations. He was my hero and my rock. he also idolised me

He had to be strong and always likes to be in control. This was great when we met as I grew up scared and alone. He made me feel totally safe but not anymore. Increasingly we just kept clashing over decisions.

It sounds as if his negative childhood experiences caused him to become a young man who had to be in control in order to feel safe. The vulnerable young woman you were saw his controlling ways as representing safety as he was most probably the first person you were able to rely on to stand by you through thick and thin.

He in turn worshipped you because your dependence on him made him feel strong and in control. But as you've grown and matured over the years you've developed a mind of your own and haven't always been willing to go along with whatever decisions he makes. In short, he can't control you anymore because you want a marriage of equals which reflects the ages you are now and the experience you've gained through the years.

If this should be the case, he's using violence to regain control of you and he's effectively attempting to batter you into submission. His violence is particularly dangerous because its coupled with an alarming degree of contempt for you and an equally worrying disregard for the possible consequences of his physical attacks on you.

The fact that you haven't reported him to the police or told anyone about his violence has led to him feeling that he can inflict whatever he wants on you with impunity, and this is what makes me fear for your safety.

I'm not an alarmist; I'm not going to tell you to pack your bags, pick up your dc, and ask Women's Aid for a refuge placement as a matter of urgency as you have 2 boys and I'm guessing that at least one of them is over the age of 11 which will make refuge accomodation extremely hard to find.

Under the circumstances all I can do is urge you once again to PLEASE call the police if you feel in ANY danger from your h and please give consideration to appraising medical personnel of the truth with regard to the cause of your neck pain and the numbness in your face.

Your heart may be broken but (hopefully) your neck isn't, and I want you to do everything possible to keep it that way for the sake of your dc who are in desperate need of a stable parent to steer them through early adulthood and beyond.

Having hogged this thread and cocked up your other one blush I shall bow out for a while knowing that others will soon be here to lend their support and encouragement to your cause.

Weekends can be flashpoints for dv and I sincerely hope that you will have a peaceful one.

Seeyounearertime Sat 28-Nov-15 09:23:30

goddessofsmallthings

Perfect, not much to add.

Please seek medical aid OP. Constant neck pain and numb face is a sign something's wrong.

And don't blame yourself for his actions.
Ye he might blme you because you made him give up travelling for work etc etc. But in fact he chose to give it up, you may have suggested it or even asked him too but he ultimately made the decision too so effectively if his actions and state of mind are caused by resentment then his resentment is aimed in the wrong place.

Not that it justify his actions, nothing justifys his actions.

I also dislike the dismissing of possible cancer. The only thing I can say is that he sound like he's in denial,
"Don't be daft, you'll be fine" sort of thing.
This might be because he's terrified that you do have cancer and he's burying his head. But this doent help you, you need support, not a little boy hiding under his bed.

Personally I'd follow goddessofsmallthings advice for the near future, sort out the cancer thing, if its all clear then you need to think about your life and whether you see your situation changing. If its not going to change donyou really want to live like it for the rest of your life?

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