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Tonight i could weep...i know i know you were right.

(31 Posts)
whatisforteamum Fri 27-Nov-15 21:52:22

I am posting this mainly to get it off my chest.Some people have advised me before and witnessed the gradual decline in my marriage.Ive changed jobs which has been great apart from the fact im never off when my family are.
I have had to take on extra work while a colleague has an op for a whole month.Not ideal with current relationship issues and dh has been sleeping downstairs after yrs of me doing so with his bad snoring and 430 am alarm.

I had hoped this christmas would be a good one as df is ok this week (been v ill as terminal c on off all this yr).
i agreed to dd getting a hamster as she is 18 however her small room had to be tidied as it is overrun with clothes while she works 48 hr weeks on late shifts.DH agreed we are v overstretched,
so tonight after a tense day at work i came home to a hamster and sawdust everywhere and the food shop done which im pleased about although much of it is junk not supposed to be eaten by someone who has had a major heart attack like dh did.

Dh has 3 days off a week so i would expect him to make ds 16 some tea.He chose instead to watch his beloved soap opera which no one can talk when its on.He wont communicate with ds even before he came out as gay sad
9 pm they decide on take away pizza which is a complete one off.its like he is having a midlife crisis.Only doing what he likes with no regard for his health or thought for anyone.My own DM had a go at me thur as we dont earn much between us none of her business.I feel like my life is falling apart.
Once i had dhs support and love and a job with set hours.i thought my parents respected my work ethic (they dont) and my dcs cant stand the fact ive stayed with someone when we clearly have nothing in common anymore.
I cant believe anyone can change so much.i dont recognise this man.i vow to sort this out in jan.sad

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Fri 27-Nov-15 22:14:29

Ah things sounds really bad for you right now. I have no real advice but maybe the first things to do would be to get some legal advice. Consolidate your finances. Do you own a house jointly, are you renting?

Your children sound old enough to be able to get themselves a decent meal anyway, as well as helping around the house with chores, do they do that?

If your DH isn't pulling his weight leave him a list of jobs before you go to work and definitely stop doing things for him!

whatisforteamum Fri 27-Nov-15 22:25:17

Dcs do help and he has a to do list my parents have said this is controlling however with my split shifts uniforms etc have to be done.tbf dh does do a big roast on sunday while dd and i work all day until 11pm.we have paid off the mortgage.I was waiting on things as DF has been nr death on off for many months then bounced back,I have no one to turn to working unsociable hrs and tonightdf said i f ..ing stress him out,The to do list was hang washing,food shop and get ds contact lenses while he was getting his own glasses at spec savers.True a nr 17 yr old can take something out of the freezer.

SSargassoSea Fri 27-Nov-15 22:35:40

At 18, 17 and adult your DCs and DH can sort their own meals. Unhealthy if that's what they want.
If DF has bounced back maybe you can step back there too.

MelanieCheeks Fri 27-Nov-15 22:37:12

Take a deep breath and try to get a bit of perspective. A takeaway pizza isn't the end if the world, nor is a teenagers untidy room. Have you found the hampster?

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 00:08:56

thanks that is so true.it probably is best to let everyone do their own thing mess or not.
I have cut back on df to an extent and that saves me from hearing my adopted sis may lose her home due to her dh dealing cocaine and the police raided their home and arrested them both,(not good for our otherwise well respected family). i tried to speak to dh,He swore at me turned the light off and went to bed in a huff.
i know dh can eat as much junk as he likes .i am being silly thinking of the months of recovery from his last heart attack and how his dm died at 44.and how he couldnt work while waiting to see if he needed a bypass.
Even the dcs says its not really like we are married,Sad times.

Handywoman Sat 28-Nov-15 00:29:23

It's hard working opposite shifts and dealing with a terminally ill relative and illness. But by no means impossible where is love, affection, support and respect.

Your marriage has none of these and has not for some time. And so everything is a mountain. The takeaway pizza, hamster, dd's messy room. They all feel massive because you have lost yourself to this relationship. You are running on empty. Your soul is screaming at you.

Get to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and get some of yourSELF back.

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 09:13:50

i know ive woken up to a complete mess that i would ve sorted if it were my day off,Wet washing etc.I did try to speak to dh last night.He was furious as he wanted to watch emmerdale he had recorded (it is like that every day.It was only 1020 but he threw down the remote and went to bed !!this knowing that i cant see him now until weds eve after 7 when he gets home.Very childish behaviour.DD who is 18 can see how bad he is.Impossible.this breaks my heart as i was going to buy xmassy things this yr as having my car written off by a lorry,ds s coming out as gay then being sent money by a stranger online then dfs decline and weight loss.I asked dh why he never asked about my new job as we had a good review for the restuarant.He said i show no interest in his factory job that he has had for 27 ys.unreal.
I cant remember the last hug or kiss.The odd bit of sex.He didnt shave for 3 days last week.

kittybiscuits Sat 28-Nov-15 09:19:01

Your life will be so much better if you dump this hanger on. What do you actually get from being in this relationship?

Suddenlyseymour Sat 28-Nov-15 09:50:51

OP, i may be wrong, but are you the poster that for years had no bed and slept on the floor because of your DH's snoring and alarm?

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 09:57:35

yes i did sleep downstairs for 14 yrs.I couldnt afford to move out and with primary school dcs it seemed an ok solution.the dcs are grown up now and dd plans on moving out.I cant blame her.Ive been here while he recovered from his heart attack and generally go golfing and eat all the food on the rehab avoid foods.Im not perfect obviously however each day i bath wash my hair and go out in clean presentable clothes.He is HARDWORK.So thats it...just when i need help the most.He doesnt even bother with ds so i have to be there more for him while he goes for interviews and goes out in the world as a gay teen.sad

LionHeartedWoman Sat 28-Nov-15 09:59:20

Oh my god, what you describe sounds exhausting and miserable.

If I were you I would make some regular time to go off/out to relax and to have a think about things. The situation won't change overnight but you cannot realistically continue living like this.

Kewcumber Sat 28-Nov-15 10:00:27

I know this really isn't the point but please don't call your sister, your "adopted" sister. You obviously don't feel that she's a proper sister but it is upsetting to those of us who have adopted children and battle the common view that they aren't quite as good are "normal" children.

No-one has to stay anywhere they aren't happy.

You either need to accept you can't be happy with him anymore and arrange to split or you need to disengage and leave him to it and see if that makes a difference. You are choosing to fret and nag over his eating - he doesn't want you to and however upsetting you find it, he's an adult and is entitled to eat himself into a heart attack if he wants to.

But separate your money so you aren't paying for him to do it.

LionHeartedWoman Sat 28-Nov-15 10:01:21

((hug)) your life sounds really toughsad

Kewcumber Sat 28-Nov-15 10:01:44

Why does your DS need you more now that he's come out?

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 10:15:32

sorry kew you are right.the same for my adopted brother.we always made a point of not refering to them as that then he i am.My point should really be that i didnt live with her.My parents took her on after i left home.DM excuses her behaviour as she didnt have a great start in life,I feel i should be there more for ds as some pple where i live are homophobic.I was quite shocked when the men where i work started making comments about a waiter.I havent told anyone about ds.DH said his stomach churned when he found out.i still just see my lovely clever son.I always suspected.It was a shoch to DH as he only buries his head in tv.

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 10:21:32

i also want to keep in favour with ds as i didnt know a stranger was sending him money online,,,

Sunnyshores Sat 28-Nov-15 10:41:02

OP you have so many things going on right now and life sounds unbearably hard - you cant control most of these things, but one thing stands out and that is the dickhead of a husband that you have allowed to abuse you for years. Its almost understandable when Dcs were young, when perhaps that was the only difficulty in your life.... but now its time to get rid.

I think without his unpleasantness and without the disappointment and surprise you still experience each time he lets you down, you and Dcs will be happier and the rest of the crap will be easier to deal with together, as a family.

I think the relationship between your DH and DS is a particular concern.
Maybe all the more reason to make a break of it at this stage
You have so much to deal with but a poor and constantly challenging relationship makes it all so much harder doesn't it?
Best of luck to you all as we head into 2016 x

ohtheholidays Sat 28-Nov-15 10:43:29

Honestly OP has hard as it may be to hear your husband is bringing nothing to yours or your DCS lifes but misery,anger and upset.

He is a grown man you are not responsible for his health or moods but you are responsible for the mental and emotional wealthfare of yourself and your DC.

SSargassoSea Sat 28-Nov-15 10:59:46

I always think that people who drink/smoke/eat far too much have a bit of self hatred, or why would you do this, maybe it's just low self esteem or depression - i'm not a psychologist and have done all three at diff times

But the bottom line is that you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself.

For your DS's sake I think you need to move out.

You don't knwo what will happen, DH might fall to pieces, he might continue as he is, he might find that you leaving is a kick in the pants which gets him making good changes in his life!!!

But it's his prob not yours.

BoxofSnails Sat 28-Nov-15 12:08:27

Listen to handywoman , she explains really well why things feel as they do.

I think the fact your DD works hard and your DS is getting interviews speaks strongly of your work ethic. Give yourself some credit. Get your ducks in a row - there's all that equity in the house and you are fit and well and working. Life will be ok.

Why not see a solicitor pre Christmas - they get very busy in Jan as lots of people make your NY resolution!

whatisforteamum Sat 28-Nov-15 16:10:28

Thank you all.I cant believe my life is going so wrong tbh.I have a car now and like you say i have my health touch wood.whatever has gone on in 29 yrs this isnt a nice place to be in right now.
I agree about over eating and drinking etc as i was anorexic in my younger yrs feeling not eating and being thin may make me a better person or more accepted.Now im happy to be me and average weight smile

whatisforteamum Sun 29-Nov-15 09:44:42

Feeling better after a good nights sleep and great day at work saturday.I know from changing jobs what a difference it has made and ive even put some weight on and dont feel so exhausted and run down.I guess this is the same for a bad marriage after 29 yrs i can only assume.i have no idea what support i will have if any when df dies.My dcs are lovely though and make life more fun.smile

BrendaandEddie Sun 29-Nov-15 09:50:22

so you have:
a friend dying of cancer
A son who has just come out as gay being groomed online
Brother in law dealing coke
Your car was written off
A h needing a heart by pass being an arse?

I am not suprised

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