Fuming with mum's boyfriend

[frillybiscuits]

It's my mum's birthday today and she doesn't have many friends or family so it's never much of a celebration. I suggested taking her out for a meal and a drink with her boyfriend as it's a Friday night but he insisted on cooking for her.

When he picked me up I asked him if he had bought her a cake. He said no and was very blasé about the whole thing. I suggested we go to a shop and buy a nice one but he said he'd just throw one together. Money isn't tight so buying one wasn't a problem. Skip to an hour later and he's not got any flour for the cake so he goes to buy some. When my mum gets in from work, dinner isn't ready and there's this shitty sponge that's hollow in the middle sat there with no decorations. There's no bottle of fancy wine or chocolates or anything. I could see that my mum was upset and it's upset me too. We ate dinner in silence when it was ready, most of it was cold because he's not good at the timings of different foods.

He could have bought a nice cake and some alcohol from the shop when he went or could have let me buy her some. I feel I should have been more insistent on going out for dinner because he's done an awful job. I feel like he doesn't really care about her at the moment. I've said I'll get her a nice specially made cake tomorrow and take her out but it's not the same. I know she's going to be going to bed early tonight and crying herself to sleep thanks to his lack of effort

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

Well in fairness, even though it was a disaster cooking a meal and baking a cake takes more effort than nipping to the local shop for wine and chocolates.

Maybe to him cooking was showing his way of caring but for you caring is buying presents? Neither is necessarily wrong but just mismatched expectations.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

Also crying self to sleep would be an over reaction unless there is a much bigger back story here?

[Sansoora]

Maybe your mum should stop being so entitled?

WTF. You nasty cow!

[frillybiscuits]

She doesn't have any friends and family who live close so she only has her boyfriend and me on her birthday. I guess it would be very hard for her. I'd be pretty damn upset if that was me

[frillybiscuits]

She didn't ask for anything so it's not really entitled. I suggested we do what we usually do which is take her out because she never gets to eat out. It's only nice if you do something special for someone instead of the same shit as every day

[Sansoora]

How is that nasty? Her crying is a sign she isn't getting her own way and acting like a child having a tantrum

You're all heart you are

[Friendlystories]

Is it a sign she's 'not getting her own way' or just that she was a bit hurt that her partner hadn't put more thought and effort into making things nice for her birthday? I think 'entitled' is harsh.

[Cabrinha]

You would be upset - but it isn't about you. I also see baking a crap cake as more of an effort than grabbing something at the supermarket.

That's the back story?

Is she happy with him?

[frillybiscuits]

I'm really not sure, she does seem a bit miserable. He has had a history of sending sexual messages to other women so I'm not sure if that is still going on. I don't see her much so don't see much of their dynamic. I think he has been very lazy about the whole thing. I said I would pay to take all of us out and get a nicely made cake for her. She did say one thing about the cake which was 'you wouldn't dare give that to your mother would you' which suggests there may be some problems

[rockabillyruby82]

How is your relationship with him? Because although I agree, that is a bit rubbish for your mum, he did at least try! Is your opinion based on a general dislike for him?

[frillybiscuits]

I'm not close with him but no, my opinion is based on if I was in her situation. He didn't try, he wouldn't have made her a cake if I didn't bring it up. He wasn't going to make one and he made dinner the same as he does every night. He's a so called 'chef' but he's pretty crap

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

I would be pleased if someone cooked a meal, even a shit one for me on my birthday, and having the two people I love most in the whole world with me would be even better.

Unless there is a huge backstory here then your reaction, and your Mums reaction if she cries herself to sleep, is very disproportionate to the situation.

[rockabillyruby82]

I think if there are problems in the relationship, unless she tells you, you should keep out. It sounds like you're not very close tbh.
And for the record. A man has never made me a cake, I'd have been pretty chuffed with the effort!

[frillybiscuits]

Last year he got her a brilliant bailey's cake (her favourite) and took her out. As he has done for the years before. So something has clearly changed. Sorry should have mentioned that

[Sansoora]

Frilly your mum sounds like she's thoroughly fed up and not very happy.

Poor lady. I hope things work out for her and she goes on to have the kind of birthdays you want for her.

[Shutthatdoor]

I would be pleased if someone cooked a meal, even a shit one for me on my birthday, and having the two people I love most in the whole world with me would be even better.

Unless there is a huge backstory here then your reaction, and your Mums reaction if she cries herself to sleep, is very disproportionate to the situation.

I agree.

[Sansoora]

Her mums clearly over reacting


you are such an arse

[BrianButterfield]

I would be seriously fucked off it I got a shitty meal and shitty cake from someone who can supposedly cook. Why are women supposed to be grateful for any little scrap of effort or thought?

[AnyFucker]

Ignore nicecarpet

The bitch is plopping all over MN

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

I think you're being unfair OP. He actually put quite a bit of effort in. At the point that you mentioned cake, he still had the option to just buy one but chose to make it instead. He then realised he had no flour and went to buy some...he again had a choice here to just buy something ready made but still chose to bake her one himself. He cooked a meal and baked a cake and for some reason there was still an atmosphere and your DM fired a snarky comment at him. I'd be pretty annoyed if I were him. Either YABVU or there's a lot of backstory that this thread is actually about.

[BrianButterfield]

He made a crap sponge with no decoration. A child could make that. I'd be snarky if a grown adult presented me with that as a birthday cake when cakes are cheap and easily available from shops.

[frillybiscuits]

If she had friends or other family that would make it special for her then I guess she would be overreacting but she has no one. The people are saying she's entitled are probably fussed over on their birthday's at least a little. If I had a partner and he did that on my birthday I'd go off and do something by myself