I've been phased out, haven't I?....

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

Hi,

Really wasn't sure about posting this, as I shouldn't be that bothered....but I am.

We've only lived here for just over a year and as I'm sure everyone knows, it's a little daunting, that 'fitting in' period. I'm not super confident, but like to think I'm fairly easy to get on with.

Anyway, I met this woman when we first moved and she suggested swapping numbers and maybe we could go for coffee, our kids could play etc. Seemed really nice, so a few weeks later, I text her and we arranged to meet. Got on well and met up occasionally (once every 3 or 4 weeks maybe) and kept suggesting we should go out for 'proper' drink. One day she invites me out to dinner with a couple of her friends. I accepted, but was quite nervous, as I didn't know them and it takes me a while to....I don't know , get going? The night was fine, but there was a lot of discussion I couldn't relate to and felt a little left out. No big deal though. I was the outsider after all. I did notice that every conversation had a 'we've got a lot of money' undertone', which again, made me feel left out. I'm not poor, but certainly not rich. They all clearly are. Anyway, my friend text me the next day to say thanks for a good night etc and I replied the same. I text a few weeks later to suggest going out again. Nothing. Fair enough, people are busy etc. Text again two weeks later. Nothing again. That's a phase out, no?

Maybe I'm being silly, but I got the impression that money and status is important to them and maybe she felt, I didn't measure up. If that's the case, I know I should just think, her loss, not mine, but I feel really hurt.

I really wanted to widen my social circle and feel like this is a slap in the face. It's done wonders for my lack of self confidence!!

Thoughts? Anyone experienced this?

Thanks.

[Jan45]

Shame, but wrong lady and yes when someone ignores you it means they don't want to see you again.

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

Ouch

[Purpleboa]

Hey extra. Sorry to read this, it sounds hurtful, especially when you're left guessing as to what happened.

But there are so many reasons why this might have happened. I can actually relate to some of it from my own experience. Since having my DD, I've been lucky enough to make a lot of new friends who are mums. I love meeting new people and surrounding myself with friends (I was very shy when I was younger so I guess it stems from that as an insecurity /making up for lost time thing!) The problem is, I over extend myself and end up making arrangements that I just can't keep because I'm so busy. There are a few women I'd like to meet up with and get to know better...but I'm already neglecting current friends and with a baby, my social life is restricted to daytime dates! So I often take ages to get back to people...feel horribly guilty...avoid the problem and not get in touch...then it's too late to get in touch and I feel like I can't go back again!

I realise this makes me sound a bit of a twat However, I'm sharing this with you to show you that it's maybe not personal - this woman has a lot going on in her life and she's letting some balls drop.

That said, they don't sound like the 'deepest' social group...not sure I'd like the emphasis on material things and status either. There will be other people to meet who are more you, so please try not to feel too hurt and chalk this up to experience.

As an aside, I do find that mummy cliques are like being back at school! I thought all that stuff about school gate mums was a myth, sadly not...

Good luck

[Purpleboa]

Oh and Jan? Might want to sweeten your responses a bit??

[Jan45]

Eh - why's that Purple?

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

Thanks for that, purple . Appreciate your honesty.

I was wondering if maybe, like you, she simply had loads going on and obviously I wasn't going to be top of her priority list. But, I do think a month of hearing nothing is on another level, don't you think? If I'm really busy, it can take me a while to reply, but I don't think I'd let it go past a week. That's just me though.

God I hope I'm not coming across as needy and over analytical!

I'd just really hate to think that I'd almost been screened by her friends and got a thumbs down. That's what it feels like.

As I mentioned before, I'm not exactly ooozing confidence , so this sort of thing can knock me quite hard. Some people might be a bit 'meh' by the whole thing, whereas I'm more 'oh god, I must be an uninteresting, boring cow...I knew it!'

Oh well.

[Jan45]

Go with your gut OP, to ignore your texting (two separate times)is just bloody rude and I wouldn't be wanting to hear from her now.

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

It is rude, but it's also incredibly hurtful.

I'm feeling really down today, so am taking it harder than I would usually I think. Feeling very isolated and tbh, lonely.

[ALaughAMinute]

Don't take it personally, we've all been let down. They didn't sound very nice anyway, did they? Even if you did meet her again you might have decided that she wasn't your type or you didn't feel you could get on for whatever reason. Far better to find yoursel some friends you do like.

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

Thank you

Urgh, wish I could delete my last message. Just having a everything's shit day.

[mybloodykitchen]

I dunno. Same happened to me recently with someone I thought was a pretty good friend. I was hurt (and a bit confused) but moved on.

Then four/five months later she got in touch. Things had been shit with her and her dp, she's been depressed, it all seemed too much, she's had one play date for the kids since September. We had a lovely meet up at hers and as I left she said basically 'if I do that again don't let me get away with it?'

So it could be all sorts of things. Give yourself a break, if someone is being rude and shitty it might be them not you. And don't think that just because people have nice cars/diamonds/houses/bank accounts they aren't susceptible to their lives imploding as much as anyone else.

[tallwivglasses]

I think she's done you a favour - youre clearly far too nice and sensitive for her crowd.

[Robotgirl]

OP, you sound really lovely.
I would feel massively uncomfortable in a we've-got-loadsa-money group of mums (some of the mums from my NCT group are like that and I avoid them like the plague)
You'll make more friends & they will be down to earth and great.

[marzipanmaggie]

What Purpleboa said. I don't think you've necessarily been phased out. You may have been phased out. But she may just be super busy, she may be a bit of a flake, she may be going through a hard time. I can think of multiple reasons as to why one might not get back to someone without it meaning that she has made a conscious decision to drop you.

What works for me is to be relatively passive and laid back about friendships like this and not expect too much from them. Don't over-invest in early friendships, just as you wouldn't over-invest in a first date. If they turn into solid, lasting friendships, great. If they don't, you had some fun and no-one died.

[springydaffs]

How long does it takes to send a text? I don't care how 'busy' people are, they could send a bloody text.

I got phased out (aka dumped) by some people for similar reasons and at the time I was so taken aback I couldn't take it seriously. I mean, it was just so vile.

I've noticed that when I'm feeling a bit threadbare it can play on my mind and I can easily slip down the path of feeling hurt and rejected. When I'm fine I think 'ewww'. So repulsive!

In a way she's done you a favour - you didn't invest in a friendship with her only to find out years down the line she's a dick. As it is you found out early she's a dick. Now you have some free space to search out some decent people - non-dicks, basically.

[springydaffs]

There are a lot of docks about, op. Brace yourself.

[springydaffs]

Dicks!

[Sweetsweetjane]

I was phased out...I'm sure it's because I'm not academic. I'm intelligent but life chances, choices etc meant I couldn't pursue it. Anyway, I thought I'd made a good friend and , she was new to the area. We hung out loads, similar life stages. Then she started making new friends, some of whom were my friends and they became a strong group. I don't begrudge them much as we didn't have much in common, socially the chat was way over my head and it felt as though it was done to exclude me.
The worst thing about it is that my dd was bfs with one of theirs, it's as though she's been phased out too.
I have shared private stuff with these people and I see them daily. All fake smiles and 'we must get together ' whilst ignoring my messages and socialising together.

[lorelei9]

I'm interested that you think it's "phasing out". Some friendships work, others don't. Meeting up the first few times can be a bit like dating, sometimes you can see it isn't going to work long term.

I'm afraid I posted recently about phasing out someone (who hasn't treated me very well, not trying to phase her out for trivial reasons) and there's always a worry about whether to say it straight or not say it at all. It sounds as if this lady has just decided that she's not interested in a friendship and doesn't know how to say so, which tbh I can understand.

I know people have phased me out. I know of one in particular who tried and I didn't get the hint so she had to say it. So embarrassing. I know it's hurtful but with time and distance I just thought, okay, these things happen.

It isn't you, if that makes you feel better.

[Wileycoyote]

I've had this. Remember OP, you didn't like her much either so maybe you need to ask yourself why you wanted to be liked by her despite the fact you didn't warm to her much. Maybe just having the kids in common isn't enough in this particular instance, and you'll find other people that are on your wave length.

[extrastrongblackcoffee]

lore that sounds really harsh! Someone actually told you?! What did they say?! I understand what you're saying. Some people click, some don't and all that. I think it just came at the wrong time, as since moving, I've felt very isolated and it's been getting me down. I start to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I not interesting enough? Witty enough?.....Rich enough

[clarelouise37]

This has happened to me as well, there's a mummy group in the town that I live in and I thought I had made friends with a few mums and I message one of the mum's whose little boy is the same age as my son, about a Heart foundation toddler walk we were doing at the weekend. I messaged her twice and got no reply. Also when I have suggested meeting up and coming round she's not enthusatic and so far hasn't been up. I have a few other mum friends I'm just hurt by her behaviour and wondering why she is so funny with me. We have a mutual friend and they are very close, again her son is the same age as my son so it's likely that they will start school together. They get on really well and I want to keep the friendship, I'm just a bit baffled as to why I'm always pushed out, it's my son's birthday in a month and I'm arranging a party and want to invite both children, but not be feeling blanked by the mums - Help! xxx