I've been married for 10 years, and have four children, the youngest of whom is 3. Last year my husband was diagnosed with Asperger's. The psychiatrist said it was 'mild asperger's'. We'd waited a year for the diagnosis, and my dh refused to go for couples counselling until the diagnosis was made. In that time my mental health spiralled and I have had many points where I've felt at the end of my tether. I've been on anti-anxiety meds, and had counselling myself, and manage to drag myself to a place where I am now supposedly looking after myself.
I have good friends (none of whom know about the ASD), and have time away from the children (once a week I meet my friends for our 'sewing night' ) which is a big improvement on a couple of years ago where my life seemed to revolve around the young children, and I didn't have any time for myself.
We started seeing a relate counsellor in the Summer, but it wasn't great. We got lots of practical advice like maybe we could go on a weekend away, or ask for help blah blah blah… but nothing really addressing the issues within the relationship which are numerous.
Dh seems to think that the main problem is that we argue, and I shout and get angry. He would like to think we can compromise and have a rational discussion, but in truth, it is his way or nothing. He won't go out at all with other families or friends. He won't help out e.g. at the kids school, or cubs/beavers etc. It is hard to put across what it is like without it sounding like I'm being extremely unreasonable, wanting to have a certain life and having unrealistic expectations of him.
For me, I feel like I'm a single parent. He won't be part of a 'team'. He'll go out and buy presents for the children on his own, and arrange to do things with them on his own, for example when I'm out, but will have no part of 'sharing' anything as a family. He spends more time with our oldest daughter chatting and cooking etc than he does with me. I feel completely isolated, like a lodger in the house who has to serve all the people who live in the house, but otherwise keep out of the way and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.
We've been on the same holiday for the last 10 years, we see one couple (his school friend and his wife) socially… I've carved out a new life with friends I've made through having the children, but dh won't have anything to do with them. He is rude to them - one husband of a friend asked if he'd like to join them (the other husbands) at a local pub quiz, and his flat response was 'no'.
When we initially got together he was very attentive and kind, and we were 'in love' and had the children in quick succession. Being pregnant 4 times has 'protected' me from the worst emotional problems if you like, because he has been 'on his best behaviour'. He did actually say that he couldn't cope if I was pregnant again. Now, he just doesn't speak to me. I feel that we job-share. Our responsibility is to look after the children, and we speak to share arrangements for the children. In the evening he can spend ours looking at videos and clips etc on his phone, and then will come to bed late. I try to carry on as normal, but am beyond lonely. I hate the constant atmosphere that he is oblivious to. He thinks if I'm not shouting, we're happy. I only shout out of complete exasperation, when I am completely worn down with his arguments, which are always logical and evidence-based and always right. Anything I say is just a waste of time.
We've been seeing a psychodynamic couples counsellor for a few months now, and it has been enlightening in some respects, but I'm just not sure she understands this asperger's thing. She sees it as a label, an unhelpful label, and thinks dh is no different from anyone else. That may be the case but he thinks he is different, and since he had the diagnosis it is as if all kindness and willingness to work together has evaporated, and I'm now supposed to accommodate what he calls his 'disability'. I've obviously tried the usual things - to communicate clearly, to be direct, to not expect him to want to be 'life and soul' of the party etc, but I can't cope with a life that is completely dictated by one person. I am trying to do my best for the children. I have supported them to join different groups and activities, to spend time with friends and other families even if I have to do it all on my own. Their friendships matter a lot to me, whereas I know dh wouldn't care if they never saw their friends.
I don't really know what I'm asking here, and I know that some people are going to tell me to leave him, and some people are going to say that I sound like a demanding monster. I wish I could get an objective view on whether I should continue to try to navigate through my emotions and the bleak loneliness and distress, and try to ignore every hope and dream I had of being a family and doing things together, or whether it would be a waste of my energy. I can't talk to people in real life about it all (he doesn't want them to know) and I worry that they wouldn't really understand anyway. I have times when I'd just like to walk away from it all. The children all show signs of similarity with dh, which makes it unbearable at times. I'm on egg-shells, dealing with tantrum after tantrum… just so lonely.
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Relationships
Asperger's and relationships (again)
MrsMiss · 27/11/2015 12:36
I'm in a very similar situation. My Dh has undiagnosed Asperger's and isn't receptive to the idea that he isn't neurotypical. His mum, niece, DS and two nephews have it as well and recently I've realised I'm on that spectrum as well. Unlike him however, I try very hard and feel I've managed to develop emotionally and socially. I have social anxiety but I'm damned if I'm going to let it me stop doing things I'm interested in.
DH goes to meet up with friends about once a month and does almost nothing else. I look forward to him being away. As you say it's less lonely. I try not to expect anything from DH now. It's a bit easier now the DC are older teenagers.
The thing I find most hurtful is the fact that he never ever thinks about his relationships. He puts zero effort in.
And his utter lack of communication. He doesn't say hello when he comes in or goodnight when he goes to bed -he just disappears.The only thing that he says is cheerio when he goes to work in the morning. I think it's a way of reminding me that he's sacrificing himself by working for the family. He sits in the evening on the laptop or in front of the tv, often with earphones on. He wears earphones on the way home from work and doesn't take them off until after he's taken his coat and shoes off. There would be silence at the dinner table if I didn't initiate conversation and he scoffs his dinner quickly then goes into the sitting room as he doesn't like sitting at the table. Sometimes I or someone else will talk to him and he won't answer at all! And if they repeat themselves he is sometimes grumpy - I heard you the first time.
He almost never asks me how I am or about things I've been doing or my day. I don't even know if I like him any more.
He has a horrible attitude to gift -giving. He wants or feels duty bound to give birthday/Christmas presents that people will like. But they must tell him what they'd like and hope it's suitable. He gets annoyed if I ask for something practical even though I've explained that I don't want (our) money spent on me or anything else to further clutter the house.
He is exceptionally untidy too and thinks he's doing me a favour by occasionally picking up some of his clothes from the floor. His reasoning is that once I said very unkindly that I was no longer going to pick up his clothes off the floor - I remember it many years ago - I was absolutely calm and IMO in no way aggressive. I'd thought that instead of feeling resentful every day I would stop picking up. So he leaves stuff lying around for days on end before he picks it up. Many years later I called him on this - and he thought I was being bossy and unreasonable as I had 'asked him to pick up his dirty underwear and he now did'! Don't get me started on the way he occasionally stacks the dishwasher. It was only when after explaining to him that his scrambled egg pot and weetabix bowls are never washed by the dishwasher and worse the rest of the stuff gets covered in glued on starch, resulting in lots of stuff then needing to be washed I happened upon an article about dishwashers which said that no dishwasher can manage scrambled egg that he stopped putting the pot in.
I pride myself on not nagging. I never ever ask him to do anything more than once and I hardly ask him to do anything.
When I was in hospital (treatment for cancer) he'd sit about four feet away dozing off! It's awful. Once I was in a lot of pain at home and asked him to chat to me about anything to take my mind off it. He huffed and puffed a bit then proclaimed he couldn't think of anything at all to talk about. There were times when I'd be cooking and hurting my hands - peripheral neuropathy/slight loss of motor control I'd be burning myself and dropping stuff all over the place - but he'd still sit there doing nothing to help because on the rare occasion I asked for help there was a good chance he'd be grumpy.
The grumpiness is such a downer.
So I think I know how you feel! 
You can't change him. He can try to change, but genuinely might not be able to.
So that's what you have to work with. You need to decide what you want, see if it's achieveable within your relationship or not, and move from there.
We are a family with riddled with as/asd 
and it is very trying.
Coco- I hope you do a bit more reading on the subject, otherwise things will be very miserable for your son having a mother with that attitude.
To be fair, denial is the biggest obstacle in making things better with regard to Aspergers; for some reason, the strength of the denial is unbelievable. This would be improved if society had a much more open attitude, I imagine, and if diagnoses in adults were encouraged, not discouraged, by GPs.
I have more to post, OP, but am in a dash now. Back later. 
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